To anybody who has left a partner - how to actually do it?

[itspuzzling]

I have been with dh for 15 years, we have one ds who is 12.

Over the last few months, I have had to to face facts that my marriage isn't working. We met very young, and various things have happened over the years that have caused us to change. Before I go any further, dh is a wonderful man who hasn't actually DONE anything. He has however, become more like a friend or brother to me, and after a long period of soul searching I have come to the decision that this isn't right. This isn't an overnight decision - it has been lurking for many months.

To complicate matters, a few months back I did start to develop feelings for a friend - nothing has happened, but, I think dh kind of 'senses' this which makes it so much harder.

Anyway, over the last few weeks, we have talked alot - he knows how I feel, and he is gutted. Whereas I feel the spark has gone and find it difficult to be intimate, he still really loves me and says he would do anything to make it work. I know he must be frightened, worried etc, and I didn't expect him to exactly congratulate me on what I had to say, but, its so hard when hes so desperate to make things 'right'. About 2 months ago, I actually said the dreaded words that it was over, but the next morning, he put his arms around me, and asked me to keep trying. Its now got to the point where he has accepted I'm 'going through it' ( he thinks I'm depressed) and is prepared to wait it out.

Its so hard - the pain I'm causing him I know is so hard. I know I have to lay it on the line for his sake, I know in the long run it would be fairer, but its so hard now. I'm also not sure how we would sort things out practially in the short term. We earn similiar amounts and could eventually go on to buy our own smaller houses. But at the moment, we have lots of equity tied up in our jointly owned house.

If we didn't have ds, I would stay with a friend, but obviously would not dream of 'leaving' my child. I have reassured dh, that I am not out for everything - I would be happy to split what we have 50/50 and would be prepared to rent in the short term, whilst the house is in the market. I know this would be a nightmare but I could just about manage it and contribute a little to the mortgage. Or, if dh wanted to go (and I don't think he would, and don't think I could expect him too, as I'm instigating this), I would continue to cover the mortgage.

I feel so bloody guilty and my head is swimming. I know this has so many implications and am obviously worried about the effects on ds. However, I know this isn't 'right' and have to make that break. Just how to actually do it?

By the way, with regards to my other feelings for the 'friend'. I do not have any intentions of being with this person. I know that when dh and I split, I need to be on my own for a while, for my sake and the sake of ds. I am almost cross with myself that I feel like this, because it obviously complicates things, but if anything, it has highlighted my lack of romantic feeling towards my dh.

Look at other poeple what they are going trough.And you would know what to do.You should be greatfull and appretiat what you have .Think about those children who doen't have a familly!!!!!Sorry English is not my first language.Try to attend some spritual or religious meeting,and this will make you realise how ungreatfull we are human been most of the time.

Unlike Precious I have actually been in your position - Precious you really have no right to be so judgey.

Anyway OP before you do anything I would recommend you go for some counselling with your DH. I did this and it crystallised the decision for me and also made it easier for him to accept the final decision because he felt that he had a better understanding of the situation and that he had a chance to put his views out there.

It has taken you 15 years to get where you are now - take some time to think, manage the unwind process and move on if thats what you decide is right for you.

Have you thought what you are going to tell your son?

My sister recently left her husband. What she didn't realise was that her sons would refuse to see her in the company of her new man. This meant she constantly had to choose between them.

She hadn't thought, either, how she and her ex would have to share the kids at Xmas and New Year. As a result, she spent the festive season on her own with her new man, but missing her kids horribly.

I'm only telling you this because you will find that no matter how carefully you think it all out, there will be unintended consequences that you can't foresee - quite apart from the pain of it all.

Also, your husband is being very reasonable now, but he might not stay that way. And he might turn to your son for emotional support, your son might take his side, etc etc.

It seems like it is a sex thing - and I imagine you have done all you can to reignite the spark (counselling, advice etc)? If you were having incredible sex every night with your husband, would you still want to leave??

I realise that you have made your mind up, and hope that you manage to do it in the least painful way, but you will cause pain to your son, and he will call you to account for it. I don't want to seem like I'm judging you (I left my husband too) - I hope I don't come across that way.

What about counselling/mediation (to help you through the split if not to keep you together)?

I'm rambling and it's late. Realise this isn't much help. Good luck.

Good advice from Ginandchocolate.

Hi itspuzzling
I've done it. Together 28 years married 24 with three DC older teens. Realised three years ago I was in denial about my relationship. Fell for someone who was married and just looking for an ego boost. Lots of soul searching, counselling for a year, Relate for ages.
Six weeks ago I moved out to general astonishment from family and friends. I am happier on my own in a small house near my family than I was with DH. He is a good man, fair and generous, and DC seem to be coping. Tonight DS has come to sleep over after babysitting nearby.
I am lucky I could afford to rent a small house of my own, and my DC are old enough to decide for themselves what they want.
Life is too short to be unhappy and I was suppressing all emotion to avoid confronting my unhappiness.
If you know in your heart that you will not be able to reignite the passion with DH then be brave, take the steps you need to one at a time, and whatever others say you will know you are on the right path.

Thank you all for your responses,

I know this decision has so many consequences.

Last night, dh started asking me about it all. We ended up having a big, big talk and I said again about splitting. He didn't get cross, but got really upset about how he would end up seeing far less of ds. I reassured him that I had no intentions of making life difficult, that we can both care for ds and that he will still be a massive part of his life.

He cried and cried but did not seem angry, just very very sad. I comforted him and we fell asleep. I felt upset but quite calm. This morning he has gone to see a friend (already been planned) and said he would not agree to what I'd said because he felt he couldn't because he loves me too much. But, he says he would respect my decision and if I knew 100 % I/we should tell ds.

Its like the hardest, most complex decision I've ever faced, I feel like I'm ripping my family apart

Do you have any family/friends who can help out - talking it through etc?

I do and am going to speak to somebody. I have a brother and 2 sisters.

grannieonabike, I hope you don't mind me asking, but why did you leave dh? Had he 'done' anything? How do you feel now?

I think you should know that your life won't get any easier, just different. If you can handle that and you feel you've no options left, do it. Whatever you decide I hope it works out well.

Have you considered counselling, relate do a 'splitting up' counselling or having a break?

Grannie, I hope your sister chose to see her children, can't imagine why she had to choose? Surely there was no choice?

jonicomelately

I know exactly what you are saying. I don't for one minute think that liffe will be a bed of roses being single. Financially and practically it will be harder. Obviously very emotionally hard as well, at least in the early stages. BUT - I cannot pretend that I love dh as I think I should. I know some people do kind of 'plod along' and I think that works when 2 peoples love for each other is at a similiar level. But dh loves me so much, and knows things aren't right. This has been going on for a few months. We started counselling together - I admit that we didnt go for months, but for long enough to realise the big question that needed to be tackled. He has done so much for me, I love him as a friend and brother but not as a dh.

He has phoned me and is obviously low. He has asked if I would give it just a bit longer to clarify my feelings. I know that is a sensible thing to do with a decision of such magnitude, but I also don't want to give him false hope .

Posie - we have considered a trial separation. If it weren't for ds, we would, but I think that would be so much upheaval for him in the short term (although he would be facing that at some point anyway). God, what a mess.

Posie, my sister would always choose her kids. Trouble was they voted with their feet. (They were 19 and 21 at the time). Things are a bit better now.

I mentioned that I had left my husband because I didn't want you to think I was being judgemental, but it's a long story, and I don't want this thread to be all about me ... He hadn't done anything, nor had I. At the time I took the blame, but in retrospect he had some responsibility too (no-one else was involved, btw).

But it isn't about blame - though, sadly, your son might see it like that. Ime, it's usually both people who are responsible, although you are taking all the responsibility at present. You just need to think about where to go from here. Good luck.

19 and 21, well quite different!

(thanks the lucky escape that grannie is indeed reasonably and could have rucked!!)

Ruck-free zone.