Some of you might remember that my partner had an affair at the beginning of this year and we decided to stay together and make things work. I had a thread back then but can't get the name to work now for some reason.
After a few hiccups our relationship is pretty good but I just feel really crap. I doubt him all the time despite having no reason to, I question his motives about everything, I look for evidence of everything he says and does - not directly - I never tell him I do this, I just quietly conduct my detective work... if he says he feels ill or something I don't believe him and just assume it's an excuse to skive or get some extra attention.
I feel very low most of the time, at night I dream about killing myself or how much better things would be if I were dead, those thoughts pop into my head during the day too.
I feel like I'm not good enough, that I can't have a bad hair day or be under the weather or anything less than perfect.
I have to say he's very good, does lots of things to make me feel special, is very open with his phone, email etc - he's doing all the right things, probably more so than I am if I'm honest.
We have a lot of fun and do lots of things together, he never goes out in the evenings anymore, just visits his parents about once a month and stays overnight there and when he does that he sends photos of where he is and who he's with.
The only glitch is that we still don't communicate very well.. we don't talk about the affair anymore and if I bring up anything that even might relate to it we end up arguing, so it's been swept under the carpet and is largely ignored now. I don't obsess over it anymore, I don't think about the affair but I do now feel very insecure and unsure about him and whether I really want to continue with this relationship.
We never got round to counselling, I couldn't find one I liked and he's had to be working hard rebuilding his career because he left the job he was in at the time because OW worked there.. so he's not really had the time, but even if he did, he thinks he doesn't need it and would only be doing it to please me.