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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

friends taking sides after affair

6 replies

Kenickie · 23/10/2010 06:12

My husband had an affair last year, soon after I found out, friends of ours came to stay (we had just moved to another country) I was still in shock and ended up confiding in the female of the couple, she was great and seemed very supportive, however after they left I never heard anything from her again. she did however choose to support my husband, I understand that they knew each other before me, and I do think he needs some support too, but to completely ignore me has really shocked me. I was careful to never vilify my husband (even though he may have deserved it!)Other people, including my family were very careful to not take sides, anyway, my dilemma is that we are returning to our home country for a visit soon and it is probable that we will be expected to socialise with them.but is it acceptable to have nothing to do with these people? I feel they took sides and I want nothing more to do with them. My husband is, after counselling, willing to do anything that I need to help me to heal, and will support me in my decision ( I think he is also a little shocked that she never contacted me again actually). What should I do? Thank you

OP posts:
ChippedChinaTeacup · 23/10/2010 07:08

Tricky one I think. I think if it were possible to avoid her then I would, and if you have to socialise in the same place as her maybe just give her a wide berth without making a scene?

People are odd and situations like ours is exactly when you find out just how strange they are :(

Gonesouth · 23/10/2010 07:46

Follow your instincts and keep yourself safe. You don't owe them anything and if they were good friends, you would not have found yourself in this position.

Enjoy your visit home and don't worry about upsetting other people. They haven't seemed too concerned about upsetting you.

Put your energy into your own relationship first and you will find new friends as your lives move on from the past.

LittleMissHissyFangs · 23/10/2010 10:04

Sorry, but she is no friend, to either of you.

However you look at it.

You confided in her about H cheating, she ultimately chose to support him.

So she endorses that kind of behaviour - for me that is STRIKE 1

She was good enough to accept your hospitality, but not at least remain neutral? - STRIKE 2

She ignored contact from you/has never contact you again? - STRIKE 3

If you are looking for a reason not to bother with her, tell yourself that she ENDED the relationship first.

Don't worry about her, if they contact you/H about getting together, make excuses, or say you'll get back to them. And Don't.

Drop them, they are not real friends. Real friends don't pick sides AGAINST the woman who has been cheated on.

Karma will have a funny way of teaching her that... you'll see!

ScaryFucker · 23/10/2010 11:40

what hissy said

OP, dont give them headspace

if they happen to be where you are, be cool and polite

but don't make plans to see them

if they contact you to make plans, evade them and say you are too busy

and make sure you discuss how you will handle it with DH, so he can follow your lead and give you the support you need

perfumedlife · 23/10/2010 11:43

Agree with the girls, frienship is earned, and worked at. She didn't.

Aside from the confiding in her, she is one rude lady for not contacting you after all the hospitality! Shock

Ignore her, if she talks, polite and distant.

Good luck with your marriage, hope it works out.

blackwell · 23/10/2010 13:38

She chooses to support your husband, nothing wrong with that if she was his friend first. But she can't really be your friend too. I think quite a lot of people get this discovery when their husband cheats and friends who she thougth were theirs but are actually his take his side. Like with Charles and Diana.

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