Lonely

[arabella2]

Do I spend the rest of my life never kissing, cuddling or having any physical or emotional intimacy with dh??? The answer would be very clear - ie. no to leave instead, but we have three children who are 4, 6 and 8. I delude myself that it is fine and I can have friends who fulfil some of my emotional needs, but I have just been out for dinner with some friends and I actually feel worse about dh and I than before I went out. I am 41, he is 54. Somehow I feel too young for an elderly type of relationship where there is no physical contact and only a vague kind of companionship (during the week, at weekends he becomes very critical of me, one of the reasons why we have withdrawn so far from each other). I have just been out now to a restaurant and dh has asked me nothing about it, NOTHING. I end up living in a fantasy world where I have crushes on people who I imagine kind of return the feelings (yeah right) and one day everything will be alright, but in reality I feel like a dried up old prune. Anybody else in a relationship as sterile as this one - I wouldn't call it a relationship actually. Somehow I am terrified of talking about this to dh for fear of his reaction, so the status quo remains :(. We talk about the kids, a little about his work but that is kind of it - as if our life is restricted and has big brick walls around it over which we cannot go. Plus he is a very sanctimonious character who "tells me off" at the drop of a hat. We never ever say anything particularly nice to each other and so the whole sensual, romantic side of life is denied. I'm fed up with it yet I totally don't know what to do about it.
Am I being spoilt? After all we have three lovely kids, a nice house, dh works really hard to provide - our youngest has just started reception and I am this year doing a course to become a teaching assistant. I am blessed in lots of ways and of course our children need both of us all of the time. Yet I can't stop daydreaming of the person that I will one day be able to hug and kiss (haven't a clue who this will be) - just infantile daydreaming?

Oh that sounds really hard.

If you were really ill, heaven forbid, but if you only had a couple of years left would you want to spend it with him or would you leave?

My x was a far more straightforward abuser if that makes sense, so the decision to leave him was easier. I used to think that if only he were civil to me, or respectful, or cared about my pov I could stay. But it was STILL a hard decision to end things.

For three years after leaving him I never had a school girl daydream!! I was too busy feeling real emotions finally, not just loneliness! have only just started to think about romance again, but it doesn't feel as embarrassingly pathetic now.

Can relate to real emotions not being felt - everything is somehow curbed at home - we only talk about certain things and not others. Also to the embarrassingly pathetic thing because my crush makes me feel that way kind of STUPID. Do you have kids ValiumSkeleton and if so has it been easy for you and your x to co-parent?

I have two children and my x is not great, he comes to see them every two months. But in many ways it is easy yes! Because I get to do things my way now, and I'm not constantly and pointlessly undermined or insulted. It sounds bad I'm sure, but the children are happy and they have adjusted really well.

All my relationships since I left have felt more honest. I just mean friendships and acquaintances... I haven't met a man (yet) but I feel less like I'm living inside my own head!! i guess it was a crutch and a comfort that I could withdraw into. But now I feel braver I need daydreaming less. When I'm chatting to people now there are no embarrassing subjects to avoid, no facades to maintain, no assumptions to uphold.. I can be around loving couples in good marriages now. Being around happily married people used to make me physically ILL, with jealousy I suppose. It was salt in the wounds back then. Now it is tolerable. It is normal now. Maybe even heartwarming because I hope to have that one day. Optimistic perhaps, but at least it's possible. And even if it isn't possible, I'm not being criticised or controlled, verbally abused, financially abused.......

Life is short. To quote the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, this life is more than just a read through.

arebella2- I suspect that your dissatisfying relationship is fairly common. And yes, it must be more frustrating to feel lonely in a relationship than to be single and lonely, in some ways.

And breaking the family up is a difficult thing to do because children sometime don't understand why it is better to do so until they are older. My mom stuck with my dad and played happy family even though he had a few affairs and we would have be devastated if they had broken up. Altho' they sometimes argues we wanted to be together as children. What I am saying is that there is no right answer.

You must follow advise to talk to your husband....perhaps you should make it a criticism directed solely at him. You could refer to the mundane state of affairs and objectively criticise both parties in the relationship. Or you could ask him to name the top 5 things that he wanted you to prioritise and vice versa. Each listening to the other without being interrupted. And then revisit weekly at first and then monthly.

warm wishes

ValiumSkeleton - I'm glad you're so much happier now. Good luck with everything - and I hope that if it's what you want, you meet a really nice person.
TDaDa - thanks for your message - yes I kind of think that dissatisfying relationships are fairly common too - thanks for your perspective as a child of a difficult relationship - are your parents still together now?
I will at some point talk to dh but I just don't have the courage at the moment. I know I have to do it but I've got to have a clear strategy as to how.
Thanks everybody for your messages - threads like these always help me feel more positive as I don't feel so stuck when I'm able to mull things over with other people.

he sounds like my exh tbh

similar age gap as well

we have been split four years 2 dcs and he has moved on to another victim partner who seems to be more similar to him (controlling and sanctimonious) yet younger than me.

I am so happy to be free of him as I was truly miserable and lonely.

But now I am contending with two of them!! But at least its at a distance.

My self esteem was eroded - I always made reference to him - but now its back to normal and although being single parent is difficult I am so much happier in myself.

arebella2- my parents are still together and have a sort of pride in the fact that they educated and supported their many children but I think that my mom has some sadness that she will take with her. But my dad is charming and ebullient and I think that she has never stopped loving him.

I was thinking that if your DH was underperforming in a work situation I would start the feedback session by pointing out his strengths and all the good things that he is doing before outlining his areas for development....set him some "SMART objectives" (in the corporate speak) [hsmile]

If it helps at all there are an equal number of distressed guys falling out of the other side of disasterous realtionships - you really don't have to soldier on because you suspect opportunity will never again come knocking.

Being single and alone is better - as possibilties are around every corner and every day is new and open.

Seriously - you whole lives are in front of you (for several of the posters on this thread). You all sound like lovely people so give yourselves a chance for real happiness and move on.

Not all men are this difficult!

arabella2, I think you really really need to bring this up with your husband and have a serious talk discussion as to whether the two of you have a future.

You're right to think of your children - but also consider that, if you can't sort things out, the right thing for your children long-term may be a divorce. As the grown-up child of two people who have been in a sterile marriage for 20 years, I can tell you I wish they had got a divorce. They stayed together 'for the kids', are still together and are miserable, which buries 'the kids' under a horrible guilty cloud.

(^ Realise this sounds really ungrateful - am very grateful, but also just wish that they were both happy and if that means apart, then so be it.)

Please do not think that I am saying that you should (or shouldn't) sacrifice your happiness for the children. I think that it is difficult to predict how the kids see it ...but the best thing for them is stability and parents being civilised whether that means divorced or staying together. It is possible to have an amicable separation/divorce (obviously). I think that this is another reason for talking to your DH in a way that he doesn't feel attacked....recognising the things that he is doing right before moving onto the important areas where it isn't working...also recognising if there are areas where you need to work on as well. All of this will indicate to your DH that you want to work on this together and perhaps make him less defensive, and less able to derail things by having a big fight/argument.

Thanks for all the recent posts - it's very interesting to read about different people's experiences and points of view. Glad to hear not all men are this difficult electribe because being used only to mine I sometimes wonder :). I think the main problem for dh and I is that we never talk about "us" in any shape or form and haven't for a long long time, almost like "us" doesn't exist and I suppose that in a way, it doesn't. Good idea TDaDa to start off by making dh less defensive - it just all feels like a stealthy plan for battle that has to be thought out so carefully in case it fails. I wish it were much easier but in that case I probably wouldn't be considering the fact that we might eventually have to separate.
Not only does it feel as if there is some kind of generational difference between dh and I but we are also different culturally. He has been in this country since he was 10 but he is originally from India. I think the model he operates from (as well as the one where his parents eventually separated so don't know what that was like)is one where the family does everything together but there isn't the same need for the couple to spend alone time together as in the west. Maybe I am generalising but I think there is some kind of difference. However I don't know how
people survive like this unless they get on so fantastically well that they never need any mental "strokes" as it were - knowing that someone finds you attractive, likes you and wants to spend time with you (which by the way I don't feel like about dh at all at the moment). Anyway must stop going on. Thanks again.

Arabella- yes, in some cultures the family trumps the individual which can be fine but sometimes that can lead to a high degree of dissatisfaction. Some cultures invest so much in the next generation that it seems like supreme parental sacrifice...I can even confess to sometimes being programmed that way myself but nothing nearly as bad as your description and it hasn't affected my urge for intimacy with DW.

It sounds as though you have lost/are losing your bonding as a couple so really important to restore some intimacy.

Is DH fit and active? Can you persuade him to play a sport with you such as tennis, badminton, squash...can help in so many ways.....

i'm amazed so many people are saying "talk to him, give it a chance"

this guy sounds horrible - he tells you off - who gave him the right to do that? he doesn't ask about your life, you feel stifled, there is no intimacy - poor you.

be careful because you don't want your dcs to grow up with this example of daddy telling mummy off - you have to stand up t o him.

i was in a similar situation and i left him. i hate conflict so i was rubbish at confronting him and kept letting him treat me badly for years until finally i couldn't take any more and just moved out. it's been mega-tough and i have no money and its tough with the kids - they are the same age as your dcs - but in the long term i am happy i am showing them never to settle if that makes sense

good luck x

i think that it is sometime difficult to say whether someone should a]or shouldn't leave their DP based on a few lines. I don't think anyone would blame arebella2 if she just left. On the other hand if she wants to have another go then there are suggestions as to how to approach her DH.