I get so upset by DH's attitude - but maybe I am wrong. Opinions welcome.

[suiledonne]

We have 2 dcs (4 and 2) I am a SAHM. My DH is self-employed.

He has always been sporty and very involved in a local team. It means training two evenings a week, match and sometimes extra training at the week end. Regardless of what is happening at home/work etc he is committed and goes if at all possible.

My problem lies with the fact that he is self-employed and never turns down work. At the moment he has a contract for Mon-Fri for the next 4 months. He has also agreed to work extra hours one night a week for the duration of the contract and this weekend is working Saturday as well. He also has another night course in the pipeline.

When I look at all this it means with work and training he will be gone 4 nights a week and playing a match every weekend.

So. it's work - the whole family benefit from the money he makes - I get that but we also benefit from him being here sometimes but he never discusses the options with me.

And the sport - he is talented and has been playing since he was 5 - how can I ask him to give it up?

But it leaves me with no free time and very little time for the 4 of us to do things together and I feel trapped.

We have MIL living near us but she works and other than that we have very little in the way of family support.

When I moan to my mother about it she says I am being unfair. He is so hard working etc etc etc and I feel like shouting 'what about me?'

I have considered paying someone to mind the dcs but what I really want is for DH to spend time with us. It seems ludicrous for us to pay for childcare when the simple solution is for him to make some time.

I don't really know what I am asking but what do you think?

no reason why you cant book a babysitter to give you some "me" time. nothing wrong with that.

but getting you and H time together is a different matter.

have you said any of this to him?

and the only reason your husband CAN do all his hard work and loads of activities is because you facilitate his life.

but unless you have actually spoken to him about this and told him how you feel, nothing is going to change.

You need a babysitter for your couple time and then book dcs into creche nursery (?) to get your me time and then, most importantly I think, you need to to leave your dh alone with the dcs for a couple of hours while he is there while you go somewhere, anywhere. He needs time with them too.
Good luck with the plan

go with him to the matches??

I was going to suggest that too.

Can't you and the kids go to the matches at the weekend too, make a family trip out of it?

That's what my BF and I do. We just take DS along with us.

You say he started at age 5, well maybe once your DS turns 5 he can start taking him too, so they do something together.

Could you take it up? Could it become a family sport?

Definitely pay someone to give you some time to yourself.

The sport thing - I think we had a discussion a while ago about how much time it was reasonable for one half of a couple with children to devote to a solo hobby and I thought two evenings and 1 weekend day max was just reasonable. But combined with your dh work level I think that is too much. I'd definitely want him to cut back somewhere. Basically I'd think he should be showing at least as much commitment to his family as to his sport.

Is there some aspect of his work - e.g. accounts, admin, that he currently does that he could get someone else to take over?

Thanks for the replies.

We have talked about it and things improved for a while. I have told him in the past to remember that he can only do what he does because I do what I do, even though it might not seem like work to him and he really made an effort but bit by bit he always reverts back.

I know I could pay for childcare but it seems pointless for him to work extra hours and us pay for childcare when he could work a few hours less and then we wouldn't need to pay for it. And paying for childcare wouldn't do anything to increase the time he spends with the dc.

WRT to the sport - we are in Ireland and it is hurling - not a sport I could take up at 36 lol.

We have 2 dds - no ds. DD1 might learn in school but she is a bit young yet to get involved. I take the girls to the occasional match but it's not something I have a huge amount of interest in to be honest.

I just feel like we are always going round in cirles with this.

Does your DH agree that you are entitled to some time either with him or on your own?

Could you draw up a rough timetable of the week that would give you both equal amounts of time 'off' - then he can use his time for the hurling if he wants?