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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

feeling guilty, but am i being silly?

9 replies

gem564 · 21/10/2010 22:17

I had a 5 year relationship with my daughters father which ended 4 and a half years ago now.
The problem is when we were in the last 4 months of the relationship i had an affair which ended before our relationship did, with somebody and now feel really guilty about it to everyone around me who means anything, my mum knows as i have told her and she understands my reasons why i did it, I just cant come to tell my boyfriend now of over a year, only a few close friends and my mum knows.
Should i keep beating myself up about it i mean should i tell him or not? I know the situation i was in at the time was awful and i was so young and naive and have grown so much since that period that i wouldnt do it again, but i still feel scared that my bf now would feel differently.
Please any advice would be so helpfull i just cant settle lately, I think its becuase we are getting more serious and i feel like i want to be completly honest with him but im scared at the same time.

OP posts:
pinkyp · 21/10/2010 22:24

your bf shouldnt feel differntly if you told him, if he did he isnt the man you thought he was. I'm sure he has things in his closet too. From the impression you gave i think you want to tell him as its something thats made you who you are today, so i'd say tell him. No need to be scared, you want to tell him because you feel its important that he knows the good/bad/everything about you,you want to let him in... go for it :)

bundlebelly · 21/10/2010 22:25

What do you think you or your boyfriend would gain from you telling him this?

If you are feeling this guilty about the affair in the past, you are not likely to deceive again. Your new relationship is a new start. I think you should try to put it behind you, learn from it and move on to happier times, free of previous relationships or previous mistakes.

ooooozathon · 21/10/2010 22:28

Tell him, but do it at the right time and as part of the right conversation - when you're talking about feelings, relationships and why you are how you are - not lightheartedly like a confession awaiting forgiveness. I guess the main thing is to share your regret and how you've changed, and make it clear that was a different person and you understand the importance of fidelity now etc.

gem564 · 21/10/2010 22:30

thankyou for your comment, much appreciated.
I think he will understand becuase he is so good when it comes to talking about past etc, its just becuase its something that i feel so awful about that i am scared about my daughter ever finding out becuase she may hate me for doing it to her dad when shes older aswell. I find it hard to trust. all key signs of cheating i know :-(
I am so ridculously insecure which prob plays a big part of it all, I just feel like maybe if i told him i would start to feel alot happier in myself.
I actually cant believe how much its eating me up

OP posts:
pinkyp · 21/10/2010 22:38

Tellhim if its eating you up! you will feel better. Like the others have said do it in the right conversation etc.

yesyouknowme · 22/10/2010 00:18

dont tell him. It's history.
Forget about it

Anniegetyourgun · 22/10/2010 09:22

I would say, tell him if you feel that you must, but don't feel you owe it to him. It wasn't him you cheated on. Your sex life before you got together is not really his concern, except insofar as your DD is part of your lives and therefore her father has to be.

You do realise people have affairs for different reasons, some more justifiable than others? Yours sounds like a typical "exit affair" - looking for a way out of a relationship you had already emotionally left. I don't think you should beat yourself up about it as you did what seemed like the right thing at the time; ok, in hindsight it wasn't, and you know enough not to make that mistake again.

"To err is human, to forgive divine" - and I'd include, in that, forgiving your younger self.

bundlebelly · 22/10/2010 10:38

Well said annie great post.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 22/10/2010 12:08

I assume fidelity is important to you in your current relationship?

If so, yes you should tell him - because all couples who have entered into a monogamous relationship should have the fidelity conversation sooner, rather than later. I disagree that fidelity is ever a noble choice, or justifiable, but can see why it happens and why it is a choice for people who feel unhappy in their relationship. I can also see why people overlook the more obvious choice, which is to exit a relationship with their dignity and self-respect intact.

You need to forgive yourself for this, but part of that process I suspect, is about knowing as you do, that you would never make that choice again. Your current partner, if he has any sense, would feel more secure, not less, if you reframe this as a bad choice that you would never make again. People who have learned bitter lessons about infidelity are actually more infidelity-proofed, not less.

In fact why not regard this instead as an enormous gift to your partner? From what you've said about him, he is not a man who would ever use this against you in an argument, or regard your admission as a passport to his own infidelity.

To err is human, but it is madness not to learn from that mistake. I have the utmost respect for people like you, who regret making the choice that you did and have learned from it. I have no respect for people who continue to defend infidelity as a behaviour choice, because that implies no learning and paves the way for them to do it again, with all the hurt and carnage it causes.

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