When the arguments are always the same

[quicksand]

DH and I have been together almost 20 years. A lot has changed in that time, of course. Things are usually good. We are a good team, we get on really well.

But we have the same arguments. The points of tension are the same, and it is upsetting me perhaps more than it should.

I have made massive massive leaps in overhauling my mental health and coming to terms with a difficult childhood and adolescence, and 'owning' the parts of me which were informed by that. I have always had a problem with anger. I've worked through that now and identified that the trigger is feeling disbelieved, disregarded or having motivations ascribed to me.

DH does all these things. We went out for a special meal for my birthday the other day and he made a throwaway comment which at the same time made it clear that a really intense, heart to heart discussion we've had maybe TWENTY TIMES over the six years since the event he was referring to happened, hasn't made any impact on him at all and he still believes other people's version of events over mine.

I started to tear up and he got really angry with me for "spoiling the evening". I tried to explain why I was upset and he basically told me to stop talking since I was making him upset and ruining everything.

After 20 years of explaining that I don't really care whether he stays out late or not but I DO care if he says he'll be home at 11 and never turns up or texts me at 2am saying he's staying out, he still does it. Last night he said he was popping round to a friend's house to collect something. He decided to stay for some drinks and watch the football but didn't text or call to let me know.

I shouldn't care so much but every time one of these little issues comes up it's like I flash back to all the times the same issues were big deals - the time he didn't come home and I thought he was dead, the time he told me to stop it when I was arguing with my mother, all the times he has distanced himself from me rather than 'make a scene' with his (horrible), family. All the times he has decided I am being petty or stupid or irrational and not listened to me.

It is a serious blight on our relationship and I don't feel it's entirely my problem. That's exactly how he feels though as "you are the one who makes such a fuss".

It just feels like I have spent so many years talking about my feelings and he doesn't give a shit.

I'm watching this thread with great interest, the OP could be me. I'm sorry I have nothing to add but I just wanted to give you some support, I understand your frustration.

thanks toast, sorry it's happening to you too.

Thanks too shineon - I think though that I have changed, changed quite a lot actually. And a large part of that was wanting to be a good parent to our DCs and a good partner to DH. And DH has been around for the whole time, he's seen all these changes. If pressed he will say something like "well you are better than you were".

But still, even though we have had the same arguments for 20 years, even though I have explained again and again that "you are" and "you always" dissmisive statements really upset me, he still does it.

Although I have explained hundreds of thousands of times that I don't want him at my beck and call but I do want some level of thought or consideration, he still doesn't bother to let me know when his plans change.

It makes me question whether he gives a shit at all sometimes.

Even considering your past, I really don't think you are overreacting to these triggers at all. I'd find them just as upsetting.

You need to be heard, to be free to express emotions within your relationship, and asking your DH to let you know if he's going to be late is just common courtesy, not some big demand on him. It's really inconsiderate, immature behaviour on his part.

It must be incredibly frustrating. Are things usually ok so long as you're agreeing with him, I wonder??

Two things jump out at me from your post:

"he still believes other people's version of events over mine."
and
"I started to tear up and he got really angry with me for "spoiling the evening". I tried to explain why I was upset and he basically told me to stop talking since I was making him upset and ruining everything."

These are both showing a fundamental lack of respect for you. He doesn't believe you - that is basic stuff. How do you feel about telling him other stuff that has happened? Do you feel he isn't going to believe you in future? The spoiling the evening bit is minimising your feelings and telling you that his feelings are more important than yours.

The fact that he stays out and doesn't let you know again shows a distinct lack of respect towards you. Your worrying, plans for the evening, feelings just don't matter to him.

This is about more than arguing - it is about an unequal partnership.

I don't really have any advice because from what you have said and from how long this has been going on for, I don't think he is going to change. The question is do you want to put up with this for the rest of your life?

Things are usually good. He is annoying to disagree with (this is an issue at work too I gather), as he too often thinks he 'knows best'.

We had completely divergent opinions on a really important issue some months ago - discussed it (not really arguing, just talking it out), almost every night for weeks. When it came time to make the decision he did what I had proposed, despite arguing against me every night for all those weeks. It did surprise me - he said I had convinced him (all of a sudden?), but I am wondering what will happen if it turns out to be the wrong decision.

I have noticed that if I explain something and am not entirely sure he often doesn't trust me - I've caught him looking stuff up on his phone!

It is so frustrating, especially as he is always saying our DCs "need to learn" when they do the same annoying stuff over and over.

He always seems to think my getting frustrated or whatever is a ploy to make him feel bad. We never get anywhere as he takes that stance - "you ruining things", "you are trying to make me feel bad", "you are so aggressive". In the past few years I've been making a huge effort to use I statements, to ask for the thinking behind behaviour I don't understand, so it's especially galling.

scallopsrgreat, he would say that he forgot or didn't remember the hours of conversation we had over the issue which came up at that dinner. He was told a version of events (by his mother as it happens), which was absolutely not what happened. I have explained so many times what did happen, and why I am upset by her misrepresenting me, and why I was upset he didn't call her on it (I did, he didn't back me up then either), at the time or when she has brought it up subsequently.

So when he said "oh, we haven't had this wine since that time that you [did what his mother said I did]", it was just so upsetting. It sounds ridiculous I know and he said I was being ridiculous for making such a fuss/being so upset but it's not just that, it's what it represented to me.

I absolutely don't want things to carry on like this. In many ways my efforts with my own mental health and ways of dealing with the world were an attempt to get a handle on this - to find my boundaries. I can't deny that in the past I was a horrendous partner, was inconsiderate, was cruel, was irrational.

But I put in a lot of effort to change and that hasn't been recognised or appreciated by DH (it feels) - and he hasn't made any changes of his own. Though I can't really make him change just because I did.

I wish he wanted to though.

It doesn't sound ridiculous at all. He is telling you it is ridiculous but really it isn't. He also remembers the conversations. And is playing you.

Do you have problems with your MIL in general? Does your DH take her side in arguments etc?

Yeah there have been some pretty bad issues with MIL in the past. He did often take her side. She was a single mum and he felt responsible for her and his disabled brother, he's still quite protective.

It all came to a head at our wedding unfortunately (that's a whole other story). After that DH and I had some pretty intense conversations and he has been better at aligning himself with me when there has been conflict since. But he is very very conflict-averse.

He has told me not to make a fuss when I have been attacked by my (mentally ill), mother, for example. He physically held me back from going after her when she was particularly vile to me in public (in front of the DCs).