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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Deeply Unhappy

21 replies

FeelingVerySick · 21/10/2010 14:33

Husband and I argue a lot about all sorts of things. He tries to be controlling about everything (amount and temperature of washing up water - grocery shopping - childrens diets - what I buy - what colour we'll paint the living room - who's getting what for xmas - etc. If you can think of it - he'll try to control it - even the way I make my own coffee!!!).
We do not communicate well on a day to day basis and there are lots of rows.
We have four children. H is the breadwinner - I'm a stay at home mum.
We do not have joint bank accounts - I get the childrens tax credits and child allowance though.
Recently I had a miscarriage (near the end of the first trimester - it was a missed miscarriage for which I had surgery). We rarely have sex anyway - we're only allowed sex when he initiates it. We don't kiss or hug. The pregnancy was a surprise - I've had fertility treatment in the past - I wanted to keep the baby - he was not so keen as me - but didn't want me to have an abortion either. Now that baby is gone anyway.
In previous pregnancies I've had unexplained bleeding so during this recent lost pregnancy - there was no sex.

He's been away on business and come back with porn magazines in his bag. I'm not thrilled about this - he's using the mags - but not initiating any sex with me.

The other think I find deeply disturbing/sickening is that most of the magazines are featuring women with completely shaven "lady parts" and one of them is titled "Barely Eighteen".

He used to use the computer for porn - I don't know what he was looking at on the web - he deletes the history - but anything I did see him looking at was adults stuff - but why has he chosen to buy a "barely eighteen" porn mag. It must be legal - but it makes me feel sick sick sick.

I have spoken to him about the magazines and why I find them upsetting but he has chosen to keep the magazines.

We are barely speaking.

OP posts:
blackwell · 21/10/2010 14:35

Well he sounds horrible.

deste · 21/10/2010 15:58

I think the porn is the least of your problems.

UnlikelyFangazonian · 21/10/2010 17:35

'amount and temperature of washing up water? Shock Angry

Why are you posting? Do you need advice about leaving or are you looking for solace while you continue to raise your dcs in this horribly miserable atmosphere?

poshsinglemum · 21/10/2010 17:40

he's vcery disturbed.l dump him for your kids' sake

mumonthenet · 21/10/2010 17:48

Poor you deeply...

you sound very unhappy - have you spoken to anyone about this in rl?

you obviously already know you can't go on like this, but you are so worn down by H that you can barely think straight. Why not start by giving Womansaid a call? You can do so anonymously if you just want to talk.

perfumedlife · 21/10/2010 17:56

I am so sorry about your miscarriage.

I agree with the others though, there are problems, serious problems with how your husband is treating you.

Miggsie · 21/10/2010 17:57

He is an abusive control freak and you need to leave.
He has no respect for you and as long as you are there to clean up after him and do his meals he won't change. If you left him, he wouldn't change....because he is a nasty abusive control freak.

Google personality disorders and I'm sure you'll find your H has one.

PeppermintPasty · 21/10/2010 17:59

when you argue about these, often petty, things, do you ever "win"? do you ever persuade him he is being irrational? what happens after one of these rows. questions questions!

FeelingVerySick · 21/10/2010 18:05

i have another thread about needing practical advice on how to leave. I feel trapped at the moment. I've no money. I want to move back to my hometown where my mum lives and i have a sister nearby. I know that's what i want but can't figure out how to do it. I feel very down.

OP posts:
Squitten · 21/10/2010 18:06

Why is it that you choose to stay in this relationship? It's hideous

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2010 18:08

Can you not squirrel some money away?.

Womens Aid can help you here:-

0808 2000 247

Please call them asap.

Squitten · 21/10/2010 18:08

x-post

jaffacake2 · 21/10/2010 18:11

Can you contact Womens aid they will be able to advise you about finances,getting away and securing safe housing. They will also be able to tell you of your local domestic violence outreach service and you can arrange to meet one of their workers in a safe place like town shopping centre,to discuss your options. Then you will know that you have a choice.
This is domestic abuse.

mumonthenet · 21/10/2010 18:23

deeply, just take ONE step.

Call someone at WA and talk about your options.

mumonthenet · 21/10/2010 18:28

just realised I've been calling you Deeply, which is your thread title.

What a plonker I am.

Sorry! Blush Grin

FeelingVerySick · 21/10/2010 22:31

I will call WA for advice.

I do feel uneasy about it being called "domestic violence" I know things aren't right. I've never been beaten up though. He's just downright nasty sometimes. Well, a lot. Like living with someone really grumpy who doesn't like you at all. It's horrible.

Thanks all for listening and offering advice. I've been feeling very alone with my thoughts and I don't really discuss this stuff with my family. They don't even know about the miscarriage.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 22/10/2010 10:56

you dont need to be beaten up to be abused. it is called verbal abuse or emotional abuse. it is called controlling abusive behaviour....it is real and it is horrible.

read why does he do that lundy bancroft.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

CheerfulV · 22/10/2010 16:22

I was with someone very similar. At the time, I was also too intimidated to call Woman's Aid, thinking that it was for people with 'real problems' How wrong I was. I wish I had now, but I was too ground down by the drip drip of his horrible treatment of me to have the energy to realize how bad it was.

It's only now looking back that I can see I had every right to acess WA, and I should have because it would have made it real, what he did to me. Until you tell someone else, it could just all be in your head. In hindsight, it was worse than I even saw at the time. I'm amazed I stuck it out; it's astounding what people will put up with, especially when the pressure is notched up slowly.

You've made the right step already by posting here. Now, get onto WA and get the help you deserve, they will help you with motivation and thinking things through/practical steps when you have no energy of your own to tackle such things. That's what they are there for - do reach out to them.
Take care. :)

Amhappynow · 22/10/2010 18:36

I feel deeply sorry for you. This is my story and advice. I hope it helps. I got out of a similar relationship after 27 years. It came as a huge revelation and shock to me when I realized that this is verbal and emotional abuse. He doesn't have to hit you. I just thought I was going crazy, that I was making him unhappy and everything was my fault. (That's one of his limitless tactics to keep you in line).

I wish I'd got out years ago. I can't believe that I didn't understand what his game was. I just thought that if I could only make him see what he was doing to me, he would change. I now know that whatever I'd done, it wouldn't have made any difference to his behavior. It is nothing to do with you, it is a problem that he has. These men are serial abusers and he can't/won't stop, he's addicted. You won't change him. His control is necessary to his existence.

I found the book :Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft, especially helpfully. I read it in secret and cried for weeks. I couldn't believe I was in such a relationship.

I thought I was protecting the kids by staying but now I realise the damage it was doing to them, living like that.

I understand how difficult it is to get out. They get you to a point where you are completely reliant. You've got some really tough decisions to make. I feel for you hugely.

Now I am starting to get my self-esteem back and have re-discovered the person I used to be. There is life after abuse and I was amazed at how supportive people were. Me and the kids smile together now and we have discovered what is like to be a real family, even though things are very financially hard for us.

Google 'why don't they just leave', you will find it interesting. If you think he could get violent though, be very, very careful. Talk to Women's Aid and look on their website. GOOD LUCK!

feistychickfightingthebull · 23/10/2010 04:03

OP I am very concerned for you and your DC. You have to get out although it is very difficult to get out. I suffered for seven years at the hands of my exh who was emotionally abusive. My goal then was to keep him happy. He continued to use our DC to still control me and make my life miserable even after our split 13 years ago. It is only in this last month that it dawned on me that I was emotionally and financially abused and its shaken me to the core. You are a brave woman because you have realised that you need to get out and protect yourself and your DC. Call Womens Aid, thay are fantastic and will help you leave. Good luck

OrangeAgate · 23/10/2010 16:07

I was in a similar marriage. I left when I saw my son visibly shaking when his father raised his voice to me (again). That was my wake up call. You NEED to get out for the sake of your children. His behaviour damaging them.

There are places that will help you and support you. Just do it.

Good luck

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