Divorce and loosing the plot

[gingercrls]

Hi, I'm new on here. My husband and I separated in March after a 12 year marriage, together 14 years (one child). The family moved to Canada in May 09. We were going to try for another baby, which I really wanted. In August husband went away on a working holiday and sent me an email saying he wanted to leave, didn't want to be in Canada, told me he had cheated on me when I was heavily pregnant with our daughter (7 1/2 years before). I tried to sort things, and we reconciled for six months or so after coming back to the UK but he wouln't work, would stay on the computer all day. I asked him to leave, expecting he would realize and stop what he was doing and come back. He basically cut me off from then on (although communication had not been great before).

Anyway, I recently found out (5 weeks ago) that he has a girlfriend and they are already talking of moving in together. She has 2 little girls younger than our daughter. She is also still married and left her husband for cheating can you believe. He has confirmed the relationship is sexual and I have filed for divorce. I know in my head that I am better off without him but I can't let go. Anyway, I have emailed her and her husband and today in a moment of sheer insanity I emailed all of her work colleagues to let them know she is committing adultery and what a swine my husband is (didn't use my email account). Husband has phoned to say her place of work has reported me to the police.

I am not like this. I am rational, I am nice. What is going on!!!! I am so fed up of being in this place. I don't want him back but I want my old life. Which was far from perfect. He says he loves me but not enough. Why can't I let go, let her have him and move on. She really is getting no prince charming. My life wasn't full of roses. He was a nightmare from day one, but I did love him and put up with a lot. He never took care of us as a proper husband would and I always struggled to get him out of bed and to work.

Please if anyone has been through anything similar, I'd love to hear how you moved on. I'm loosing the plot.

Thanks! x

I really feel for you, I went through very similar and did indeed "lose the plot", well and truly. For some time there I think I was scarily close to the edge, I don't recognise the person I had become, the person my XH had driven me too :( It was a dark horrible time of my life, and I even considered suicide at one stage.
For any one who knows me this is so hard to believe, I am a bright, intelligent, educated, strong woman with a professional responsible job, I am mostly kind and caring, yet I was reduced to screaming obsenities in the street, follwoing my XH, texting the OW, it was terrible, I look back and cannot believe what I was. It wasn't me, it was what he (and the OW) made me, a sad, pathetic, insecure, gibbering wreck. It is for this that I hate him the most (more than everything he did), I hate him for almost destroying me :(

I did get through it, and so will you, it isnt easy amd it took a long time. I am almost 4 years down the line, and am pretty much back to my normal self, the scars are still there. But I have a good happy life, I did lose the plot, but I recovered and am so much better without him.

Best of luck, be strong.

Thanks. I also feel like I am bright, intelligent, educated, strong. I would be telling someone else to get over the loser and never look back. Why do we cling on like this? My husband is actually an idiot for leaving. He has ruined his life. He is living in a one bedroomed place (well, I guess until he moves in with her) he can't even afford. We have been separated 8 months now and he isn't even managing regular work. I feel so mad he wanted to leave me after everything I did.

The Other night, he sobbed for an hour on the phone telling me he still loves me 'but it's not enough'. He hardly sees his daughter then says that's my fault. Meanwhile, he manages to find a woman stupid enough to begin a relationship with him. I didn't want to get at her. I wanted her to dump him.

Did you have any type of counselling? I'm considering it.....

I am looking forward to switching off. Until then I am considering throwing away my mobile and my laptop so I don't do anything else stupid!

I used to switch everything off, and leave myself post it notes - saying " dont ring", "dont text", and then I found my mantra and just kep repaeting it over and over in my head "just ignore it, just ignore it". It eventually worked but it took a while!

I did eventually have some counselling through Woman's Aid, but only when I realised how much my DD1 was struggling and unhappy. We went on a course through Womans Aid/NSPCC together, intially I couldnt believe it was me in that situation, but it was a truning point for both of us, and we still use the techniques we learnt there.

hello gingercris, sorry you are having such a difficult time. My situation's v similar to yours, I am 2 months ahead of you.

Married 12 years, 2 dcs, husband had affairs discovered quite by chance. He moved out 2 months ago, and I have also experienced the first stages of grief that you are feeling. Extreme sadness and loss, and then anger.

I also sent angry email to OW, and h, just to try to make them realise the significance of what they had done. But I am starting now to realise that it actually makes no difference to me whatsoever what goes on in my h's head. It's irrelevant. I am now on my own journey of recovery ad I neither need nor want his input.

The only way I have been able to cope is absolutely no contact in person with him myself. His world view, his deceit, is so confusing to me it's not the least bit helpful. He sees the dcs, but handovers are at the door and very brief All contact is email. That is still quite barbed, but at least not a public forum.

I have therapy once a week, and for me it's essential. Having never been through divorce, this level of grief, and keeping a household steady, I need a listener, who can give me sensible and practical advice too. I can be feeling quite normal when I walk in, then reflect on something someone's said or done that week, and fall apart, but safely.

Good luck. It's early days. Get lots of rl support including therapy of that's practical for you. and be kind to yourself. It's a long road, but you can make it and come out the other side.

Macdoodle. I might try the note thing!! I need to completely not be in touch. I'm like a text and email terrorist and I can't seem to stop. It's just all so unfair. Glad you made it through. You think you are strong and when it happens you fall apart.

Helicopterview - so sorry you in same situation. I also want my h to realize the significance of what he has done and to make him see sense but then like you, it makes no difference to tell him but also, things are too damaged for there to be any recovery for us. What we had is totally ruined. I just am really mourning the type of guy I thought he was and also the future I thought we had. I so didn't want this for my child too and now she may not have a sibling.

I don't want to see my h for a while. I've asked for pick up (although it is sporadic) and drop off at a friends so I don't have to see him. I also haven't been through divorce. I thought we loved each other. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I annoy myself!!

I think I am definitely going to look at therapy. I just wish we had a switch to flick like they seem to to get over it.

I think what hurts most is the disrespect of him starting a relationship so soon after we split and the fact that she has two little girls. This woman left her husband for cheating, then cheats herself with mine. He says to me 'I am not your husband' and we aren't even divorced.

Honey, don't beat yourself up.

IME men tend to cope by launching into relationships. Prove they still got it... distracts them from the fact they have failed in a marriage. get waited on hand and foot and regularly adored.

the male ego is a very fragile thing.... in some weak men naturally.

Don't look at the speed of which he has taken up with someone as any slight on you, it's not.

this bloke is not actually thinking at all, and certainly not with the stuff allegedly between his ears.

Try the note thing, seriously. You are better than this! Regain your dignity!

I don't blame you at all for doing this, have been known to do the odd daft thing myself, but it's done now, be strong, rise above it and use all the techniques above to make sure that you glide serenely and silently through the rest of all this, with your head held high.

I find I still have a lot of angry stuff to say, but instead of saying it to him I write it down and store it. It's actually a really good way to se how you are moving on. I still have some notes form before I found out the full extent of my h's infidelity, and it's amazing to see how confused I was compared to now.