What do you do when your not a sexual being at all?

[JimBloggs]

I have name changed for this, im not sure why really im not ashamed of it but im obviously not 'normal' whatever that is.

Basically i am not at all a sexual person, i dont have sexual thoughts about men or women, i dont crave sex or ever fell 'horny' i dont masturbate either.

I'm actually not a very affectionate person either, dont get me wrong i love people, i am kind and caring but the thought of hugging or kissing someone never really enters my head, the only people it seems natural for me to hug and kiss is my children.

I have a DP who i do love but we have this constant tension between us in the evening around bedtime, he is always hovering and yawning quite obviously and announcing that he is going to bed but its in a very obvious 'are you going to join me?' sort of way.
I make damn sure im busy.

Sex doesn't seem natural to me, i know it is, i understand it and its not like i think its wrong or bad or anything but it just doesn't even enter my head, if DP didn't talk about it i wouldn't even think about it.

I could happily go the rest of my life without it.

When we do have sex (about once a month) i feel pleasure from it but it still seems quite alien.

I have suggested DP discreetly indulge with other women outside the relationship on the basis he was being safe and i wouldn't want to know about it and i wouldn't want the kids to know, he is really against this he sees sex as something that only happens in a long term relationship.

I had lots of sex in my teens but i think that's because it was expected of me as a bit of a 'rebel' so i went along for the ride.

I'm not sure what to do in terms of my relationship i guess i should just keep doing it when i can for dp (im not going to say satisfy dp as he would have it every day to satisfy him)

I can manage penetration and mutual masturbation, i cant stomach the thought of oral sex though, i have some ocd/clean/hygiene issues and the thought of it makes me gag (excuse the pun)

The problem is dp wants me to be affectionate and passionate, he wants me to want to touch him and kiss him but it just isn't coming naturally to me.

There's no good answer, is there? Most couples have mismatched libido, either for a time or permanently, but you describe yourself as so far off the scale I can't see where you would compromise. You're already 'compromising' once a month. It isn't enough for him. Having sex more often, just to please him, might make you feel used. But without physical affection, he feels deprived. It's my experience that couples like this can forge a successful resolution - it often involves getting divorced while remaining close friends.

You really need lots of long & meaningful talks about this. Finding a sympathetic counsellor (or clergyman) wouldn't be a bad idea - it might help you each to clarify your feelings, thoughts & wishes.

Have you seen this site?
www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html

We have talked about it over and over and over... always coming up with the answer of... there is no answer!

DP wont let the relationship go, he would rather live in a celibate relationship than none at all.
I would let him go because i love him enough to want him to be satisfied and happy even if its not with me.

We are already living as best friends and parents but nothing else.
DP is very patient but sometimes gets annoyed and downtrodden over it.

DP wouldn't see a Councilor about something like Sex, he is very shy and has almost zero confidence, this is down to and abusive childhood and me rejecting him physically so often.

I have approached my GP a few times and have been told i need to make more effort and its all in my head, basically there is nothing they can do.
I have seen a herbalist who gave me a variety of supplements to try, none of them worked.

I make a conscious effort to try and think myself into feeling sexy and horny but it doesn't work, what are you supposed to think of when nothing really turns you on?

I have often thought i might be asexual but i am attracted to people i can look at someone and say, he is very attractive and i am certainly attracted to personalities but not in a sexual way.

I am a very confident person and dont have any massive body hang ups, i was brought up in a family where sex was discussed and mu Mum was always very open and told us that sex can be wonderful and normal and well great... im not sure where the problem has come from.

It kills me that dp is living in a relationship that isn't satisfying to him, i cant be the woman he longs for...

I dont really have anything to add, but just wanted to say I'm having the same thing. I have already thought that my lack of desire is more to do with me not being that attracted to my partner, as with previous partners I wanted it all the time. I also think once you stop doing it, you lose desire to have it.
Have you tried reading trashy novels? I was reading an old book called "Lace" a few weeks back, and it got me going a little.

best of luck, I hope you manage to find a comprimise that works for your relationship

Do have a look at the site that ItsGhoulAgain linked, JimBloggs. Being asexual doesn't mean you can't love anybody. Of course you might not be asexual at all, but that website is absolutely fantastic, I think it's worth a look.

Dp always wants it more than i do.....he works hard and is usually tired at bedtime and falls asleep early.......
I find i have to make the effort and always enjoy it when i do but...
it is an effort
i'd rather sleep
but i love him and want him to be happy...
i know this isn't particularly helpful but we are all different
Dp starts work earlier than i do in the morning and likes it then.....
i throw myself into it then and he loves it
then..
My problem is that i couldn't bear for him to 'play away',it would kill me