DH criticising me

[Feelingsensitive]

I am a SAHM with one child at school and one pre schooler. Like most people I dont have a cleaner and only have 2 mornings a week child free whilst DS goes to the local playgroup for 2.5 hours. DH has recently taken to criticising me for genral state of house and not spending time with DCS. For example he moanes about how dirty the house is. IMO it's fine. I clean one room properly every day and then tidy and sort out as I go along. Its a bit dusty but generally presentable. DH is off work today and moaned this morning that DS spent over an hour in front of the TV whilst I cleaned the bathroom and made lunch etc. I then spent 3 hours with him taking him to a swimming class and then sat down and did some drawing type stuff with him. I try to explain how I have to balance the day so I spend some time doing chores whilst DS watches TV/plays by himself (prob about 2 hours a day in seperate slots) and the spend the rest with DS. Dh says I need to spend more time with DS but seeing as he no longer sleeps in the day its near impossible. I am looking to return to work as I also keep getting jibes about living off him/not contributing etc. Just wanted to get it off my chest.

For the record DH does very little childcare/cleaning himself!

Who the hell does he think he is? Lord Muck? I could already tell from your post that he does very little round the hosue before you even confirmed that yourself. What about DCs? How much time does he spend with them?

So you're supposed to clean the house and spend time with DS? How? Split yourself in two?

Chances are that if you return to work, you will still end up doing everything and he still won't be happy.

Do you think there is anything else going on to make him be so critical of you, or has he always been like this?

Have you ever left him alone with the DCs while you go away for the weekend - if not, sounds like you need it

I agree with Jamie, if my DH said something like this to me, I'd just say "Right you do it then," and leave for a couple of days.

OP - go on the thread in Chat about what SAHMs whose children are all at school do. And hopefully see that you do not need to justify yourself to him anymore.

He works 8 hours a day, 5 days a week - are you expected to work 16, 7 days a week?

Right. I put up with this (amongst other things) for years.

First of all you need to remind him that it is your house too, and that it is not down to him alone to set the bench mark for what is the acceptable level of order/hygiene/tidiness.

If he has never run the house and minded the children then he simply has no idea of the time managment and the practical obstacles, so he needs to be given the opportunity to discover first hand what it is like. I suggest that you do nothing for a fortnight, no washing, no cleaning, no nothing.. Nothing nothing nothing. He can do it.

If he complains, do even less. Sorry if this sounds like going at the problem all guns blazing but I used to live with an arse hole who noticed all the mess and pointed it out to me and demanded high standards, delicious meals, tidy rooms, clean sheets once a week, hoovered floors, clean surfaces etc.. all the time. But yet never lifted a finger. grrrrr

You don't contribute?

Bullshit!!!

Look into how much it would cost you for a cleaner/child minder then give him the information to show him how much you're saving by doing it yourself.

Just because he's in paid work doesn't mean he gets to do nothing around the house either.

... to be charitable for a moment ...

If this is new behaviour - is he particularly hating his job at the moment, or fearful of losing it. Does not justify him taking it out on you, OP, but might mean a conversation is in order

Totally empathise with this post. OK mine doesn't moan about state of house, cos he's knows he's onto a loser there, but often comments on my terrible cooking (which is not that bad I promise), he never ever offers to help with our two very boisterous boys. I supported him through Uni, took him on all expenses paid holiday to Prague, lent his parents 2,500 quid (which they couldn't pay back) when I was working, now he thinks that it's ok to do bugger all 'cos he "goes to work" - didums. I work part-time, not out of choice but because a full-time job would mean compromising so many things financially , so me being at home for most of the time saves us money and means that I do the admin, and housey stuff - which lets face it,if I wasn't doing, then we'd have to pay someone else to. What gets me about all this, is his inbuilt view of the world that childcare and house is my domain - I just don't remember agreeing with it! Rant Over.

terrible late30s- no relationship with his sons??

Well, he occasionally tickles them and makes them laugh - is that what you call a relationship?

This reminds me so much of my ex-H. He did nothing to help with either housework or childcare and went away a lot on business trips when I needed him most. I recall him looking around our house during a brief spell when he was at home. DD was 13 months old and I was 8 months pregnant with DS and he observed in a disapproving tone "This is not the standard I was used to at home." If I hadn't been so completely worn out I might have observed that his mother had his father to share the burden whilst all I had was his lazy arse.

He used to complain if I hadn't taken the children out anywhere during the day - then he would also complain if I did because "it wasn't fair to them spending so much time being carted around in the car." We lived (at his request)in the middle of nowhere and couldn't go anywhere without a car journey.

The constant criticism was a method of controlling me by battering me down until I believed I was crap at everything. It turned out he was unhappy with family life, he didn't want to make the changes necessary to accommodate a family even though he had been the one who wanted children more than I did. To cope with the guilt of not opting into family life, he had to make me become the bad guy and this was achieved by criticising everything I did. My reaction (and I could weep for myself back then) was to try harder to do better despite being up day and night with baby and toddler.

We have been divorced for 15 years now but I still regret how much I allowed his criticism to damage my self esteem (undiagnosed post natal depression made me all too open to the hatchet-job he was doing on me.)

It's not all the responsibility of the SAH partner and it's not up to just one individual to set the standards either.

You are all fabulous. Please don't be me of 20 years ago - next time your DP criticises your efforts and won't listen to reason, shove a mop up his rear end then push the bucket up after it as well. If not for yourselves, do it for me.

OMG, Rumple, your comment of 'making me into the bad guy' cos he can't do the family thing.. I did the trying harder, thousands of miles away from home, on my own, literally trapped in a flat without a proper view of the outside world, no contact with anyone for weeks at a time. 10 weeks was the longest stretch.

Coming on to MN has taught me what others have, and what they refuse to abide.

'H' thinks it's a personal affront to be asked to put the towel back straight over the towel rail. For example, let alone everything else... OK so he does it now, but I've heard the complaints enough to know what he really thinks....

Hobb posted this on another thread and I had an AHA moment, this, your comment Rumple has been my second.

I know what I have to do and I'm wholly comfortable with it....

Well done Rumple, for doing what you needed to do, and thank you for your words tonight, they have helped show me even more that I am right to let this relationship go.

Amazing post, Rumple.

Who was the poster whose (i HOPE ex) H used to complain if the skirting boards were dusty, and possibly run his fingers over them to check?

OP - you don't need this utter bollocks (both his speech and himself) in your life. You can't look after a child full time AND clean full time AND get a job. Is he really really really shit at maths? If you vanished in a puff of smoke (and quite frankly who would blame you) he would have to pay someone to look after those children, and to clean his house - so sod "not contributing".

And please tell me - what in the name of sweet satan's gonads was he doing while your DS was watching TV this morning?

Rumpelneckskin, and Littlemisshissyfangs -- that was me too (abroad and thousands of miles from family) and my exH. (Note EX)

'The constant criticism was a method of controlling me by battering me down until I believed I was crap at everything. It turned out he was unhappy with family life, he didn't want to make the changes necessary to accommodate a family even though he had been the one who wanted children more than I did. To cope with the guilt of not opting into family life, he had to make me become the bad guy and this was achieved by criticising everything I did. My reaction (and I could weep for myself back then) was to try harder to do better despite being up day and night with baby and toddler.'

This is sooooooo true and describes it all to a T. I tried and tried and tried. I couldn't win for losing. He stole 17 years of my life from me and the DCs and I are still recovering from the experience of living with a sullen, miserable waste of space. He hit me in the end, and cheated on me, used porn, including gay porn. I felt I was being destroyed.

Felingsensitive, your H hates himself and there's nothing you can do to change him or make him happy.

ExH said to my sister, "Don't you find it all so dull here?" when she visited one time. We had four DCs at the time, and I didn't have time to pick my nose most days.

Tell him that he can change places and you will go out to work. If he doesn't take you up on it tell him that you will do it your way! Or simply hand him a duster.

Was going to namechange but cant be bothered.

My H is exactly the same.

Moans about the house yet does sweet FA.
Thinks chatting to teen dc in evening is 'quality parenting' - im the one that gets the lunchtime texts 'mum im worried I have my test after lunch' 'mum I really like this girl'.

We have a teen with ME I do all the monitoring (on the quiet) of his health etc yet when we get to the hospital appts its Dh who 'takes over'.

Hes at home for most of the day lately -if he makes the bed (he got out of at 10am despite me being up at 6am) then I have to be thankful-hi ~might wash up a couple of cups and a plate (if hes had a cooked breakfast that I havent cooked)but he leaves the pan to 'soak'.

He stays up til late whilst im in bed - I come down to a front room with cushions all sloppy and this made me so mad we had a row about it - fuckin' dirty ashtrays I dont smoke and dont want that first thing in a morning.

Why do I put up with it?

Oh my 'H' used to walk in and run his hands over the telly.... If I said Oh I haven't dusted today, he'd say, Oh it's ok, not a problem at all, and actually sound like he meant it, but he still did it.

One night, after I'd wiped the floors, I went to have a bath only to hear him re-wiping the floor. Apparently I didn't do it well enough.

And he wonders why I would shout at him. The disrespect, I actually went MAD at him for that

I had the same with Ashtrays, I gave up a year ago last July, 2m after I came back from --hellhole- Egypt. He just didn't get that emptying and wiping his ashtrays, as a smoker, before he goes up to bed is only fair. When we moved in here I picked up a ton of butts from previous tenants, and rightly moaned about it. I was livid when he just left a butt in the very same place.

Draks, you need to give him stuff to do... Say that as he's around the house more, then he has to shoulder some of the housework....that'll get him back out of the house again!

Rule is, tell him to leave stuff the way he finds them, so empty sink, he leaves no stuff to soak. Ashtrays have to be emptied, it's unfair to make the non-smoker clear it out, it really isn't.

Next time you wake at 6am to filthy ashtrays, go take it to him and tell him he has to deal with it, there and then. Repeat as necessary until he A goes to bed earlier, and B gets up earlier and helps, and C tidies up after himself.

what does your DH do at weekends/evenings when he not at work in terms of housework/playing with DC?

can you afford a cleaner? if he wants high standards of cleanliness and wont do it - then he can pay a cleaner. or eh can do that on weekends...

you seem to be doing plenty - both stuff with your child and housework.

cut housework to bare minimum and keep on doing what you doing with your son.

what else does he criticise you about? your clothes/appearances/friends?

Just wanted to thank you all. I will come back later for a closer chat. Am also going to book a weekend away to see a good friend if mine in France.

This is not about the housework though. It's an attitude that he is your employer and that you answer to him.

Littlemisshissyfangs Id love to do what you suggest unfortunately itd cause more trouble than its worth however I find my own ways of revenge .

Feelingsensitive hope you have a relaxing time in France ......

mathanxiety thats dead right I have actually said to my dh 'at what point did whoever gave me this job leave you in charge?'....also when I was sat on the pc the other day and he tutted loudly and commented at me sitting down I said even at work you get a 15 minute entitlement for breaks for every 4 hours worked.....ds1 was at my reply.

My DH is completely-and I mean COMPLETELY-inept at any form of housework.I do everything-including tidying up after him! However,his life is his family.Any spare minute is spent playing with the DSs.The playground,out on bikes,swimming,museums,the beach,wherever.As long as he has his boys he is happy.He insisted on a cleaner once a week,because he wants me and him to be able to sit down together in the evenings,and I can keep things ticking over once it gets a big clean once a week.He appreciates every little thing I do.So he leaves his pants on the floor,shoes all over the place and never shuts a door.He also has never "checked" the housework,commented negatively about what I do,or been an prat to me.Feeling Sensitive,your DH needs a good kick up the arse!