There is no way out for me now.

[Scaredandalone]

I have known since I was 13 that something was wrong with me I never had a happy home life, but I was always strong and knew I would get through because I had to. I had periods of blissful euphoria and heartbreaking depression. At 15 I was raped and this resulted in a pregnancy and a forced termination. I went through a depressive phase and the termination went wrong. I was in pain worse than labor and badly hemorrhaging, because of my depression I refused to tell anyone and lay there allowing this to happen because I wanted to die in the most painful way imaginable.

I stayed in this pain and hemorrhaging for a week before anyone noticed, to this day doctors do not know how I survived let alone remained conscious (I know it seems crazy) but the problem I had occurs immediately after termination. I was in hospital for a month before I was able to walk. I recovered but last week I had a episode and monday I was referred for a immediate physh evaluation. The two doctors have told me they are fairly certain it is bipolar disorder as my symptoms and actions describe a episode perfectly and now all that remains is to see what grade and how severe my disorder is. During my episode I had unprotected sex with my best friend but as I was still on a episode only came to my senses in time for the coil to be fitted I tried to have it fitted last night but the gp was unable to fit the coil.

My partner is aware of everything sadly as he checked my internet history and found out in the worst possible way. I am not scared of this diagnosis as I was aware that something was not right and I have dealt with my feelings on that. But if I am pg I seem to have no way out if I terminate it will destroy me it is about the only thing I can not do. But if I don't then it will destroy my family it may seem silly to worry before I have a answer but I need this decision sorted in my own mind before I get a result and other people try to make the decision for me or influence me.

You poor thing, you have had a horrible life.
What is it that your partner found out? That you have bipolar disorder? About your fling?

What is he saying / doing now?
How likely is it that you are pregnant?

There is plenty of help and there will be lots of people to advise you.

How long have you been together? Do you have children? What happens now with your bipolar - when is anything happening?

My partner knows everything I felt it betrayed trust further to lie to him so I have given him the whole truth. He is staying depending on the result of this pregnancy test.

I am 22 yo and we have two dc and I was starting to think maybe I could be happy but now it just feels like someone has played a horrid joke on me to make me believe that after years of trying I could have a normal life and then take it seems cruel. Me and my partner have been together 5 years. I am receiving out patient care at our nearest care facility to access how severe a case I have and to make sure the diagnosis is correct.

I have been given loads of phone numbers for a relapse or if I require help.

:(
If you are pregnant then you will need some serious help, advice and support. When are you likely to be able to take the test?

Hi sweetie,

I was on your thread last week. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Have you got any idea of your dates, ie when your last period was and when you had sex relative to that?

You might not be pregnant. Try to keep that in mind.

has your partner said he will leave you if you are? Obviously it will complicate things, but if you are ill, which you seem to be, then maybe he will be able to accept it was your illness and not something you did in order to hurt him.

When are you due on?

I am bf at the moment and have irregular periods my last was 3 weeks ago so I will just have to do the 21 day wait .

He has told me that he is only staying for the dc ATM and he keeps saying things that lets me know he does blame me like I am not leaving because the dc don't deserve any of this I am trying to give him time to deal with his feelings and trying to get him to go to speak to someone so he can understand better. He said he cannot raise another man's child.

Frigghtattendant I remember your kind words and support on the other thread thank you.

The doctors who are treating you for bipolar need to sit your DP down and have a very long chat with him about your condition. Any way this can be arranged? Have you mentioned the stress you are feeling in the relationship to your doctors?

I have not mentioned my relationship yet we have mainly been trying to get a diagnosis and determine how severe a condition, but I will ask them to speak with him I think he may need some support and help himself because I am sure this must be a hard thing to accept, even more so as I lashed out at him more than anyone .

We always hurt the ones we love

I hope they can take a good while to talk with him both for his sake and for yours.

This is also not as simple as bringing the child up as DP you see on Friday I was suicidal and my friend did the only thing he could to stop me from harming myself. I know he did not want to do it but he said he felt it was the only way to tell me he cared, and at the time it really was, he was crying after wards. This same friend refused to sleep with a girl because he had a crush on another and turned down another girl because she was in a relationship.

He is a 23yo student who has supported me through all of this and has been my friend for years and had many chances to take advantage but he never has, he was frightened and scared, he came with me to have the coil fitted and even though this could ruin his life he has held my hand through most of this. I threw myself at him earlier in the week while manic so I know he was genuinely scared and tried to help me I don't want to tie him to me and fuck up his life. I care about him a great deal he has been there for me for years. So I guess I have only one option he does not deserve this .

There's usually more than just one option. Talk and talk and talk about all of this with your doctors. See what a few heads can figure out.

You seem to be taking on board a huge amount of responsibility for other people's actions and choices here, and blaming yourself for things you wouldn't have done or said if not for illness.

I will and thank you very much I will talk all this through with them hopefully we can choose the lesser evil or find a solution that does not hurt to many people. I am taking this all on myself because ultimately I and my DC are the only ones who have no choice or way out here, my partner can leave and so can my friend (not that he will).

Scaredandalone, I am sorry to hear of your situation but am glad that you are in the process of establishing a treatment regime for you which I hope will be in place soon.

Please don't beat yourself up too much. What you did you did when your mind was clouded. Even if your friend wanted to support you in sleeping with you he has a part in any supposed pregnancy, and he will have to take his responsibility in that. But that is only if you are and you don't know that yet.

Your dp must have seen you in a manic period before and he has stood by you so far. The others have given good advice. Particularly your dp may benefit from being told by your doctors what your particular situation looks like so he can understand that what you did you did because you had an episode. Also encourage him to contact Mind the mental health charity (www.mind.org.uk/help). They can give him advice and support immediately. They would be happy to speak to you too of course. And your children if they are old enough.

Finally I want to say that it sounds like you have had some very tough experiences in life which I am sure are still affecting you emotionally. Try not to link your self image to the bad things that have happened to you, and thing you may regret doing (like in this episode). Easy for me to say perhaps but in essence your condition is an imbalance in the chemistry in your brain and that is what you need correcting. Its not your fault you have this condition. Remember that.

Oh yes, Snuppeline, we are much more than the sum total of everything that has happened to us or the things that we have said or done. And when it comes to the brain, we are all different and there is not really any such thing as normal.

I have not had a manic episode since meeting dp other than this last one I used to have them frequently as a teenager and would not go home for weeks and very few depressions. Since meeting dp I have only had depressive episodes.

It would be easy to accept that they are different if it was not for the fact that many bad things have happened to me while manic e.g your behavior makes men think it is ok to hurt you. Plus this may not be just a chemical imbalance there are theories as to whether bipolar can be triggered as a coping mechanism, it also effects other abilities like my singing and song writing. I can't separate this from who I am because it has been a major part in my life for nearly ten years and has contributed greatly to the person I am today and the lessons I have learnt.

However my reaction and guilt and blame I am putting on my door says I have not really come to terms with this yet but I was only diagnosed Monday so I am sure that is what a lot of my therapy will be about. Thank you all for your kind words I am trying to remember that this is not my fault but it is hard for me to let go of guilt.

Scaredandalone -- The person who chooses to take advantage is the one who should feel the guilt. Men who have hurt you while you were manic had a choice and they chose badly. Any others who did not hurt you had the same choice and they chose the right thing. If you left your window open it would still not be ok for someone to climb into your house and take your handbag.

I like your idea that whatever this is has made you the person you are today. That is a great positive insight there, because I do believe that you can develop tremendous strengths from such an experience.

You are very brave, and I hope you will be able to get your DP access to the information he needs in order to understand what you're going through and support you better.