How do I help DH?

[notsosmiley]

Have made a new account for this as i'm a regular poster and have friends on here that may know from name. They wont know me from what I?m asking (not many people know).

4 years ago DH and I were on a night out with friends. We ran out of cash (after forgetting to get it on the way) so I stupidly went alone, to a cash point, near where we were all drinking.

I was attacked and assaulted (don?t want to go into too much detail) and found after DH and friends came to find me when I didn't return. After a lot of questions and investigations, the scum man that did it was successfully convicted in 2008.

DH and I have attended counselling together and on our own. And I am quite proud of how far I have come, and am so proud of the way DH supported me through it all. I really couldn't have done it without him.

Obvious parts of our relationship are hard for me and DH has been more than understanding. But he now seems to have gone complete circle. He seems afraid to touch me, to hold me, even to cuddle me. Which kills me because I feel I have made such good progress in other parts of my/our life, that this is the only part of our relationship that isn't back to 'normal'.

How do I reassure him that it's ok? I'v tried talking to him, communicating isn't the problem, it's him physically showing me that he's ok. I've asked him if he wants to go back to counselling but he's reluctant at the moment.

Dh used to be a bit of a jack the lad, not the type to have affairs, but when with male friends or in a group of friends, a bit of friendly flirting/banter/discussion would go on, and we'd all have a laugh etc. When this happens now he changes the subject and wont join in. It seems like he cant even discuss anything to do with sex without fearing he'll upset me.

What do I do? I love him so much, but it seems like he's feeling guilty for what happened to me. And it wasn't his fault, it was no ones fault.

Ooh, tough.
Part of the problem may be that after helping you through it all he tends to see you as very vulnerable and his sexual desires as an imposition. In fact, from your OP it sounds as though you're very strong.

I've had issues stemming from something similar I had to talk over with DH and it is very hard. In my case, I went on Amazon and bought some books specifically directed at helping survivors restore physical relationships. I've done the reading on my own so far but it has really helped. There are books with stuff you can work through together and that might be useful for you.

I bought:
The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz; and
Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines.

I haven't started the second one but it is the one with a section for couples to work through together. Worth a try.

Thanks for replying eldritch. I do think me being 'strong' is an issue for DH. It came up in our joint counselling. I am a very - do what you can with a crap hand - sort of person. And I dont dwell on the negative. Dont get me wrong, I've had my moments and still do, but I think DH was more prepared for me to be less able to deal with this sort of thing iykwim.

I'll have a look at those books now. Thank you, and sorry to hear you've been through the same.

Sorry if it's too personal, but did your DH react in a similar way at all? I think the hard part for me is that he is my rock, and has helped me through what was possibly the worst time of my life. Over the past 4 years i've had people tip toe around me, mollycoddle me and even ignore me to avoid conversation, and he's never once done that.

He has always known what to say and whast to do to make me feel better. He's always been the one helping me, supporting me and now I need to be there for him and I dont know how.

It was different for my DH as the source of my issues was in my past, so he met me long afterwards. There was still a lot to sort out though as I hadn't had such a strong and healthy relationship (in which really sorting stuff out was a possibility) previously.

He sounds like a caring man, so maybe he's terribly worried that you are going through the motions for him, or repressing your real feelings (fear, disgust, whatever) because you feel obliged to re-establish physical closeness. There was a bit of that from my DH at first, once I'd told him my story-are you being authentic? Don't just do this for me, is it what YOU want to do? etc

Re the 'strong' thing: if it helps him to take care of you and be the protector (in a sexual context) I say let him, at least as a way of re-establishing the physical bond.

When you say the strong thing - he always has been. Not being vulgar but he has always 'led' things, and I like that. We both initiate, but he takes over, but not in a way that intimidates me or scares me, more in a protective caring way.

How do you reassure someone that you are not just 'going through the motions' for them. I've told him that in no way was anything his fault, but he still cant forgive himself. Over the years there have been a lot of what if's but you cant live your life on what if's.

It sounds harsh but I just want to shake him sometimes and say, for one night can we please just forget everything. I'm still me.