No Spark??

[MakeYerOwnDamnDinner]

I recently went on a first date with a man I met on the internet. I quite liked him and quite fancied him, and was quietly looking forward to another date. I didn't hear from him for a few days and then received an e-mail saying that while he thought I was "attractive, intelligent, tall, slim, long blonde hair, ticking all the boxes as such" he didn't really get the impression that "either of us really felt that spark, which is strange."

What I would like to know is, is that just a polite way of saying that you didn't fancy someone? What is this elusive spark of which he speaks? There weren't any massive fireworks for me either, but I wouldn't have let that put me off going on a second date. What gives?

Well I don't know - maybe he means he was hoping for a quick shag and since you weren't gagging for it, he can't be bothered to pursue...?

He sounds a bit of a t**t anyway with his list of your 'attributes' and talking about 'sparks' - do men really think that way?

I would forget him and put it down to him being an arse, definitely not anything to do with your fanciability!

Maybe he expected you to jump on him.

He sounds a dick anyway, best rid.

Ooops, can you swear on here?

Hang on, seems a bit unfair to attack this bloke - didn't we have a thread here about attributes of a perfect man?

All he's said is you're great, but I'm not sure there's a spark. I think that come's from how the conversation flowed. Did you have a similar sense of humour, similar interests in discussion topics. If you like to talk about Katie Price, and he wants to talk about Aristotle, there may not be a spark.

Rita - fair point, but when we were listing perfect man attributes, nobody was suggesting texting the list to the next man you go on a date with [hsmile]

MMF

No, I know it wouldn't be good to text your potential date with the list, but he's basically said that the OP is very attractive (in a not super nice-ish way), but they didn't "click"

Thank you for such lovely replies - it's hard not to let this dating business make you feel a bit insecure. I thought the conversation on our date went quite well - better than on other dates I've been on - and actually I might have jumped on him in several dates time if we had got that far! It's just a bit disheartening as I've not been into anyone else I've met through on-line dating at all :-(

Don't let it get to you - assume it's his problem and not yours on this occasion, whatever that problem may be...

There's plentyofish out there anyway! (Sorry couldn't resist...) [hgrin]

I think it's unfair to assume he was just after a shag. He didn't fancy you, but that doesn't mean you're not gorgeous or a great conversationalist.

I've been out with handsome men who are great conversationalists in the past and yet they haven't done anything for me. It's just a chemistry thing.

You must know guys who are good looking but just aren't your 'type'?

At least he was honest instead of stringing you along.

Yes, I know what you mean Madonnawhore. I don't think he was just after one thing as we met for a coffee and lunch date (his suggestion as there would be 'less pressure' than a dinner date) and he was very respectful. Not like one bloke I met up with for an evening drink who started hinting about getting a hotel room for the night!

He was a bit of a twerp (good word!) to list all your 'pros' like that but I guess he was just trying to show you he'd acknowledged and appreciated them and that it really was a case of 'it's not you, it's me'.

It's alright Dogfish, I'm not breaking my heart into a tiny million little pieces, I'm just new to all this dating malarkey and asking for some advice on deciphering the lingo, that's all.

The thing is I keep reading all these wonderful success stories of internet dating and it just makes me think where are women finding all these great men? I'm on Match and I can find hardly anyone I'd want to go out with. The bald fact of the matter is that the vast majority of men on there are physically unnattractive and can barely string a sentence together. I was just pleased to have found someone half decent.

Yes, I think it means he didn't fancy you, even though you are attractive

Twatty way of expressing himself, though - would put me off (Dear Mr X, even though you are intelligent, witty, with Johnny Depp cheekbones and a George Clooney voice, I don't think either of us felt that spark, which is strange)

Do you know what the funny thing is, I haven't even got blonde hair. I've got light brown/reddish hair. Perhaps he was on a date with someone else ;-)

Oh dear

He thought you were nice but didn't see himself with you long term because the chemistry wasn't there for him. I go on loads of internet dates and it happens a lot! Don't worry too much - get out on another one and chalk it up to practice!! Good luck : ) xx

Thanks people. I've got chatting with another bloke recently who looks quite promising, so we'll see....

Ooh I've gone all Cilla - where (roughly) do you live, Dogfish & MakeYerOwn? I think you know where I'm going with this....

It is just one of those things people say when they are not that into you I'm afraid.
Get right back out there and keep looking, there are decent men out there, you just have to really look hard [hgrin]

I suppose the 'spark' thing is big in online dating because attraction isn't a given like with people you meet eyes-across-a-crowded-room-style. I did find it annoying to build a rapport with someone online that evaporated instantly on meeting.

However, I decided always to go on two dates if they were keen/not a complete idiot to check for a 'spark'. With now-DP, I'd liked him very much on date 1 and was gutted I didn't fancy him as we had so much in common (looked/sounded different from how I'd expected), but went back just to 'check'. By date 3 it was obvious there was a lot of chemistry - and we are now very happily in love. So I'm eternally grateful I went back for date 2 despite not feeling the instant 'spark'.

(DP (of nine months) was my ninth date from Guardian Soulmates. I was his first; he went on a few with Match before switching.)

Ah, that's fab Bonzai. What an inspiring story. I have to say that would be my inclination too, to go on a second date if I found someone good company but just didn't get butterflies straight away. People can really grow on you sometimes I think.

I have had a quick squizz through Guardian Soulmates, but with them you don't even see a picture eh? Although having said that, I've found that liking someones photos is no indication of whether you'll find them attractive in real life. Guess that's what my date found too (boo hoo.)

Never mind, like I said, I have recently struck up an e-mail conversation with someone else - think he's probably going to ask me out soon :-)

MakeYerOwn :) It's funny, now I look at him and can't see how I ever couldn't have fancied him.

GS does let you look at photos, unless they've changed it very recently - the best -looking people are even linked from the main site... Friends have met boyfriends on Match, Parship and OkCupid too.

Good luck with email man!

I met someone and didn't fancy him. We decided to go out again and finally had a snog. Have been together nearly 15 years now and he is hot!!