Should I just let it all out?

[LaDiDevilDiDie]

I'm aware that this might sound a bit mad but at the moment I keep feeling massively angry and resentful towards my dp. It's not down to any one big issue, though perhaps if I look at all of the little things that are bugging me the theme is his selfishness.

I feel like I want to sit him down and tell him everything that is going through my head, all of the things that I feel I've glossed over for years but that are actually annoying me and troubling me deep down. The thing is that some of the feelings I have relate to incidents that happened a long time ago and that I think he would feel were totally irrelevant to how things are between us now but to me they colour how I view our relationship every day. I can't decide if I should just sort of let it all out and see where I get to with him or if I should just try to deal with the current stuff (which is probably less than half of the total if it can be quantified at all!). I feel like trying to keep an emotional lid on some stuff is making me unhappy but I don't know if it's fair for me to drag up episodes from years ago when he probably, understandably, feels that they were resolved. I'm not sure if it will help us deal with what's going on for me right now or not?

We are not talking about infidelity or abuse here btw.

OK, so what is stopping you from having had these issues resolved individually before now?

Why are they bottled up?

We all have issues with our P's, I thought you were me for a moment...

If incidents happened a long time ago, you know in your heart of hearts, that you can't cite them now. You have to let them go.. (I'm a fine one here talking!)

It could be that the initial incident was not dealt with and similar incidents come alone later and tread on already inflamed areas, validating the anger over the first incident in a disproportionate manner.

Try to take a step back, put your devil's advocate hat on and sort your issues into themes.

Write them down and see how many are new issues and how many of them are variations on the same thing. I'm willing to bet that once you have put all the incidents in to 'piles' of similar issues, like sorting socks, there will be a few individual issues, and a number of piles each representing an individual issue.

Then your task is more manageable, less overwhelming. Tackle each 'pile of socks' slowly and gently with P. Don't forget he probably has no idea of the simmering resentment you worked yourself up to, and if you go in too hard, he'll shut down and it;ll be a massive banging of heads. Highly unproductive.

If you save up all bad things that ever happen, it will colour your everyday. Sit down and list the things you enjoy about your relationship. the benefits of it, what makes you smile.

Be honest with yourself!

Good luck

If you keep this lid on, it could have serious consequences, so try and open that lid and take out what you can deal with, bit by bit.

I think you should start by writing it all down for yourself.

When you speak to him about things, can you summarise it a bit and make some clear requests about what you would like from him?

And also listen to him.

Just getting it all out might not be all that healing for the relationship

Expecting someone to sit and listen to a long list of all their failings is never going to work out very well. WHat has been done is done and can;t be changed, so let it go. Fair enough to explain that some behaviours upset you and you don't want the situation repeated, but dredging the whole lot up is a waste of effort.

Thank you. I think that if I did just "let it all out" he would react badly, I suppose it would be a bit of a "wtf, why is all of this relevant, is she just trying to give me a bashing".

Sorting into themes is a good idea.

I think I am also seeking reassurance that some things won't happen again...

There are good things about our relationship. I'm sure that we love each other but there are definitely some things that I need to resolve a bit more.

He knows that I'm stewing over something, he asked me what was up on Sunday evening and then again last night. I explained that I was feeling angry and a bit resentful about a lot of things but that I didn't want to drag it all up until I could be clear in my own mind what I wanted from the conversation. I'm also aware that I'm feeling v. tired from bf ds at the moment and that sleep deprivation is not a good starting point for a rational discussion!

I really don't want it to be a hideous argument.

Sleep deprivation, new mum, hormones, it all adds up..

It's OK! Babies make you re-evaluate a load of stuff too!

Take the step back, try to calm yourself anyway you can, so that you don't get flustered, the red mist descends and you lose ground.

I have to confess to having pre-arguments with H. so, out loud, I tell 'him' or whoever has pissed me off what I want to say, then once it's out (and the target of my fury no where near) the frustration lifts, I voice my anger, but in a safe way, with no real confrontation.

Then I try to imagine the answer I'd get, and debate it.

OK, so that may have been bonkers, It could have been the extreme isolation and cabin fever I was suffering at the time, but it did release a lot of the sheer ARGGHHH I was feeling at the time.

THEN sit and plan the issues that need to be discussed.

Ds is 10 months now and dd is 4 so don't feel like a "new" mum still iyswim but I suppose it could be related to those sort of hormonal feelings.

I have def. done some of that pre-argument stuff, mentally I've already said everything but I haven't actually given thought to what he would say in response, I think that's my next step.

Oh you can still get PND anytime in the 1st year, which to me means that the old hormones are all over the shop. be kind to yourself.

Work it through, trying to see it from the other side will help you.