please talk to me about issues with my Dad

[londonlazz]

I have had a poor relationship with my father for about 20 years - since my parents separated. As a child we were very close. I know he still loves me but unfortunately his second wife is very jealous and threatened by me and is, quite frankly, a bit mad.

There have been many incidences throughout the years - like most people he is not all bad but he certainly has a very nasty, bullying streak & can be very cruel. An example is that they take advantage of our good manners if we invite them for a meal by ordering the most expensive items on the menu and lots of them, lots of expensive wine and getting drunk and staying out as long as possible ordering alcohol.

Pretty much everything I do is the subject of derision or mockery, from my job to the car I drive, to the house we live in. Every decision is "stupid". There is no reasoning with this, any time I have brought this up it turns into a huge row where I get very upset - it is all my problem so there is no point in tackling it.

I sometimes think he has to gain his wife's approval by being horrible....

I thought I had made my peace with this and accepted the poor relationship - I see him rarely as he will not come to see us and rarely phones. He does pressure me to go and visit him but with a young child and 2 full time jobs between us this isn't possible. His wife is also so toxic I don't really want her near my children.

I spoke to my father recently and there was a very small incident in the grand scheme of things. I?m pregnant and signed off work with stress. I have no idea why I told him this ? I should know better. His reaction was initially quite sympathetic but then turned and said ?it?s very common and it?s just bollocks isn?t it?. This is quite standard ? there is nothing that could happen to me that wouldn?t be ?bollocks? to him. My crash c section and serious wound infection was ?bollocks?. Nothing could gain his sympathy.

Thanks if you?ve read so far. I have had enough. The recent incident is such a small one but I almost wish he would say something so bad that I could cut him off for good. I dread speaking to him and I hate the effect he is having on me. I am not a young child and I have my own family to concentrate on. I?m not sure if I can cut him out but I just want to get his critical voice out of my head so he doesn?t bother me anymore.

London I'm sorry you're having to struggle with this toxic relationship during what should be a lovely time for you.

From what you have said, it seems to me that your dad has already done plenty over the last 20 years to warrant you cutting him out of your life. Are you getting anything at all positive from the relationship with him?

I don't believe from what I've read that you are ever going to achieve a healthy and supportive father/daughter relationship with him. You do not need anybody's permission to cut him out of your life.

I had a situation with my some in-laws in the last few years which lead to DH & I 'cutting off' the toxic relationship with them. I'm not saying it was easy to do, but we just couldn't cope with them constantly trying to drag us down and make us unhappy - and a few years on, things are much better now and it's actually a very liberating feeling to 'take control' and decide that enough is enough.

There is a brilliant thread on here (the Stately Homes one) for people with toxic families, which at the very least will show you that you are not alone in this.

SOrry I can't be more of a help!

Go with your instinct. This man is adding nothing to your life, in fact he is detracting from it. He is toxic, nasty and cruel and seems to feel that you exist to be his emotional punchbag.

I guarantee that once you offload this nightmare you will feel so much more relaxed and so much less stressed.

There is no law to say we have to tolerate horrible blood relations. Life is very short, there are plenty of lovely people to share it with and you have every right to be happy. Not only that, but it is not a good lesson for your children to let somebody treat you (their mother) so awfully.

I wouldn't make the effort to see him or contact him. He knows where you are - let him do the work for a change, you have enough to do.

If he complains that he never sees or speaks to you or the kids explain that communication goes both ways and that you would prefer your family to be surrounded by positive role models.

Invite him to be part of your life (if that is what you want), but specify YOUR terms, explaining that you are now an adult safeguarding YOUR family.

Good luck.

OP I know how you feel. I have a toxic father who belittles everything I do, tells me i'll never succeed, I could go on and on and on about how terrible he is and tbh my mother isn't much better.

I read a book called Toxic Parents I know it sounds cheesey but this book has changed my life. My out-look on my 'family' and how I live my life has completely changed and for the first time in my life i'm truely happy.

As another poster told me " If you wouldn't put up with the type behaviour from your friend, you shouldn't put up with it from your family" Just becuase he's your dad it doesn't get him a free pass to treat you badly.

Look after yourself and you child, Good Luck