Lack of commitment???

[JingleMum]

hi all,

just a little confused at the minute and was hoping you could tell me what would you do in this situation, beause i just don't know what to do for the best.

been with partner for 8 and a half years, we have a 1 year old child together and i thought we had a respectful commited relationship up until recently.

my partner is self employed and is financially comfortable, he pays the mortgage (my name isn't on it) all the bills and for most stuff in general. i'm a full time student living on not very much. i most take care of clothing the baby and buying the toys etc...

i've always appreciated the fact that he is a provider, i'm very grateful and i know i'm lucky that he can afford to let me be a full time student, i'm so looking forwarding to bringing an income in and i hate to 'ask' for money and only will if it's really necessary.

my partner can afford nights out and holidays with his friends, he goes on weekend fishing trips with his friends and to sporting events in different countries whilst i'm at home. this happens about 3-4 times a year. i've never really made a big deal of it as he works hard and i believe you should enjoy life while you can, but lately he just expects to be able to jet off and that i shouldn't have a say as 'i don't realise how lucky i am that he pays for everything' he never used to be this disrespectful, he would always ask if he could go and take my feelings into consideration.

also, engagement is a big deal for me. more than anything i want a stable, solid family life for our child and i think that this should be the next step after 8 and a half years together. alot of our friends are engaged and making plans for the future and a close friend of mine got engaged last month after a 12 month romance and as happy as i am for her i can't help but feel jealous. he told me that shortly after the birth of our child he went looking at rings but couldn't find one i'd like, and so it was left at that. when we argue he tells me that he's glad he never found that ring as he wouldn't ever want to marry me. after the argument he says he only said it to hurt me.

i just feel so down, i don't think i'm going to get the stable family life i want am i? i'd really like to know what you'd do in my position. generally it's a happy, solid relationship but i'm starting to feel that i need more from him, am i expecting too much?

Sorry to hear. This isn't very good at all. Would your DP consider counselling?

Seems to me there are lots of different strands to this.

Does he say you don't realise how lucky you are that he pays for everything? That does seem disrespectful to me. Every relationship is a partnership, especially where DCs are involved, and I am sure you bring at least as much to the partnership as he does, there are other things in the world aside from hard cash.

How much of the problem is bound up in the fact he is earning all the money in your partnership? Have you always been in this position? Would it help if he looked after DC one day at the w/e so you could get a p/t job and earn a bit of cash to spend on yourself? When will you finish your studies and be ready to earn?

In the meantime, maybe you need a joint account, or at least a more formal arrangement. It is dispiriting to look after DCs, earn no money and practically have to beg someone else for money. You are bringing up his child fgs, the work you do is beyond price. You need to believe that yourself first of all.

I had a commitment conversation with my (then) boyfriend, to the effect that if I were to have children then I would want to be married. I appreciate not everyone feels like that, but I very much did. He decided he couldn't imagine life without me (phew!) and we are now (mostly!) happily married.

Are you scared if you talk to him about it he might dump you?

The way I would approach it myself is to be honest. Pick one thing you want to tackle. "DP," I would say, "I love you dearly, you are a great father to DC and I really feel we are a partnership. But ... when you do (x), I feel that (y). It really bothers me. How can we get past that?"

I wouldn't do an ultimatum just yet. And never deliver an ultimatum it would harm you more to carry through.

Good luck. What I think is, if you don't tackle it things will get no better. viz my previous boyfriend (admittedly we were both very young) who was quite happy to live with me but had no notion of the future. (His dad had something about not letting women get their claws into you.) Eventually I got fed up and wandered off ... he shortly married someone several years my senior who already had children (I think she must have had a "conversation" with him).

OP, this is about much more than his lack of commitment in terms of marriage.

The fact that you are not on the mortgage and that you both seem to consider nights out/holidays only his priviledge (because he earns) is worrying. Yes you are a student and he works but if your relationship was trully equal you both would see your mothering and studying as contribution and investment in the future of the family unit. Therefore you both would be equally entitled to whatever income you are working with.

When do you finish studying and get a job? That will make a HUGE difference to all of this. You'll have plans, money, indepence, confidence, a future... You'll feel differently and he'll see you differently.

I'd be tempted to stay cool till then and concentrate on my own life. Don't mention marriage again, really - it'll put him off the idea even more. You'll look like a leech. Focus on building an amazing life for you and your lovely DC and let your partner worry how he's going to fit himself into it.

I think he is getting a little too big for his boots and he needs bringing down a bit. Insist that he gives you a suitable period of notice before he goes off on one of his trips, if for no other reason than it allows you to get a story for the kids.

has his behaviour changed? Is he possible indulging in illicit behaviour and maybe keen to get away while he can?

Maybe he is bored of the relationship and looking to get away more often as he doesnt have the balls to end it? basically he is trying to push you away until you end it?

bucketcrutch will get bored soon and crawlaway leave

Agree with beautiful above

blackwidow/Tdada what do you want me to say>? Dress it up like everything is great and she continues to be used like the proverbial door stop, Its an internet forum everyone is entitled to an opinion, mine may vary from yours but it does not mean it isnt valid.
Yes I have been dumped upon too many times to let another man do it to me again and if my opinion matches up with something that the OP is thinking then I may have helped rather than just saying 'oh no everything is sweet just live life as if it is'

?? didn't even read your post Bucketcrutch. Sorry to hear about the crap blokes that you have come across though.

Yes, not at all sure why Bucketcrutch is being told to crawl away.

sorry op, but I agree. Sometimes when men act like shits it is because they are too cowardly to dump you and they want you to do their dirty work for them i.e. get so upset you leave.

There is an awful lot going on here, but the bottom line is that you are not happy and he doesn't seem to care. To say what he said about rings etc is just nasty, I don't care how much in the heat of the moment it is.

I think something has to be done. Not necessarily end the relationship but certainly try and establish what is going on, what the future holds for you both. If he loves and respects you, he will want to discuss this kind of thing with you.

And I am really baffled as to why wanting to get married makes you a 'leech'. If that is his attitude then frankly I think you are best off going.

Oooops, Sorry TDaDa you were agreeing with beautiful not blackwidowspider. My mistake I was just frustrated that my opinion was being disregarded with no reason as to why.

Sorry :(

Meant to say its not your fault my men have been crap, its my crap choice in men that has caused my choice in men to be crap :)

Bucketcrutch no problem. DOn't mean to souynd patronising but you areprobably better off than lots of people who have kept their crap blokes.

This makes me so sad for you! Does he not see that the reason he is able to work and earn decent money, is because you are caring for his child! I appreciate you are a student but I'm guessing if you didn't have a 1 yr old you would manage to fit work around your studies and have money of your own?
I think the fact that he see's his money as his own and the fact that your not on the mortgage, as more of a sign that he's not committed, either that or he is very old fashioned! I have 2 dcs, I'm a sahm and still have nights out and unlimited access to the money that my dp earns for ALL of us.
No, I don't think your expecting too much, I hope your feeling ok today?