DDesperately sad - my 5 yr old wishes he was dead

[TrulyOutrageous]

I would usually post in Behaviour or SN, but would like as many responses as possible, as I am truly at a loss as to what to do now

My 5 yr old DS told me last night that he 'doesn't want to be in the world anymore' would 'prefer dying to another episode of living', 'wishes he was dead' and feels that he is 'naughty', 'a bad person', 'dirty' and 'hates his skin' (he is mixed race).

This has come after a weekend of being a bit down and grouchy, and a day off school (he had a very bad tongue ulcer, which the doctor thought might be a symptom of anxiety), but I absolutely do not know what prompted such an extreme reaction from him - it was a normal day, really, until he came out with this at bedtime when I was tucking him in.

I am devastated and worried sick about my poor boy.

A bit of background:

He was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome earlier this year. It was the culmination of a a couple of years of him just not getting on well at nursery, and then totally not coping with reception. His behaviour towards the end of summer term became so extreme (violent outbursts, inability to join in with any group stuff) that he was being frequently excluded and we were worried sick about him.

I managed - with a lot of effort (as any parent of a child with SN will understand) - to secure a pretty comprehensive, well quantified/specified statement of SEN for him, and secured him a place in a specialist provision for kids with social communication issues in a lovely mainstream primary school in our borough.

So far, so good. He has taken to his new school quite well (happy to go in the morning; engaging much better than he was in last school, although does miss old school and 'friends' very much; seems more relaxed when he comes home in the afternoon). The staff are also lovely and have a much better understanding of his issues.

At home, he has jealousy issues with his younger sister and can be quite a stroppy, willful child, but on the whole we are a very close and happy family. Me and DH are a solid couple, and he has a good male role model in his father - hard working, loving, devoted. I am a full time student, but duck and dive in order to be around for the kids. DH is self employed and works flexibly, so also puts in time doing nice stuff with the kids. My mum and sister live locally, and and spend lots of time with DS and are very devoted to him.

Also, we live in a multi-cultural environment, with lots of friends and neighbours of different backgrounds, although it is true that DS does see a lot more of his white relatives because they live closer. We have tried to instill a sense of pride in him about being mixed race, brought nice books and talked about it whenever it comes up, as honestly and positively as we can (DH black, me white by the way).

I know that my boy is an anxious, highly strung child, also very bright and thinks things over a lot, but I had no idea this is how my beautiful, lovely and much loved boy was feeling inside, and it has knocked both me and DH for six.

We tried to reassure him that he is beautiful, that he is loved and there are so many wonderful, positive things about him (managed to cheer him up a little bit by listing all the things I love about him, and all the people who love him), but it was getting late and he needed to be getting to sleep, so have left it there.

I am gutted. When he was talking he sounded like a child who is being abuse or neglected, or has suffered some sort of awful life, not the lovingly brought up, much loved little boy we know.

Please, please help. What should I do?

Another one who wonders about bullying. I also wonder whether he would benefit from a full multidisciplinary assessment at CAMHS, rather than just a rereferral to psychotherapy. In particular I think he would need to be reviewed by the psychiatrist. Could your GP push for it?

Also, I'm sure you have already, but talk to him about how the most powerful person in the world (Barack Obama) is mixed race and anything else you can to raise his self-esteem. Good luck. I really hope you get the help you need soon.

My children are mixed race (black/white).My five year old has come out with comments in the past about how he wishes he was 'pink' like daddy, not brown. He has got quite upset about it at times, which made me wonder if somebody had made a horrible comment to him or something. My older child has never mentioned anything to do with skin colour.

This thread has been really useful in reminding me that I need to make sure my children have some kind of cultural identity, if that's the right term.I particularly like the idea somebody posted earlier about highlighting the fact that the most powerful man in the world is mixed race.

TO, what a sad thread! If you like, message me and I will share some information whereby a woman who had a similar issue managed to successfully revert her child's behaviour from manic to normal without using drugs.

By the way, I don't think it is uncommon for Ethnic Minority children to express negative/positive/neutral feelings about their skin colour from a young age. My Niece did so when she was about 6years old and interestingly would only play with dolls that were the same colour as her after making certain statements. She also told me her mixed race friend called himself 'Earth' to mean he was brown skinned like the Earth.

They have now outgrown this and mix with different races, but it was interesting to listen to them discuss skin colour at such a young age.

SA

TrulyOutrageous, how awful for your DS :(. One of my best friends has Asperger's and I know they can have a much more advanced vocabulary than other children at a very young age. I wish I could say anything to help you :(

I have always found mixed race children incredibly beautiful, and they usually develop into even more gorgeous adults!

Your DS has the immense luck of having an amazinf family like you and your DH to support him. Asperger's children often get depressed and over analyze things, I am sure he did not mean what he said. I am sending you all a big, big hug.

TrulyOutrageous, just echoing what others have said, you have not let your boy down in any way, you sound like you are an extremely loving family and that you have been a great advocate to get him in the best situation for his needs.
My heart truly hurts thinking about your lovely boy's predicament and what he went through last year.
Maybe as other have said, you can casually weave into conversations high achieving mixed racial people like Obama, Tiger Woods (yeah, I know not the best moral benchmark), Lewis Hamilton, Halle Berry, Daley Thompson?
Also, if he knows his diagnosis, could you do the same for high achieving people living with Ausperger's such as Temple Grandin etc?
I really hope that he woke up today and was happier.
You are a great parent!!