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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First time post - need practical advice on angry dh

14 replies

SebastiansMama · 19/10/2010 12:48

I've never posted on here before and never felt need to ask for this sort of advice but I need help.
Have two sons aged 5 months and 26 months. Last couple of years have been tough on me and dh. Was recently diagnosed with PND and prescribed antid's which are working. Problem is DH and his attitude towards DSes.
This morning on our way to work he threatened DS1 with his fist and threatened to 'launch' at him for screaming in car. Basically I have such huge issues with his behaviour relating to parenting and inappropriate behaviour and discipline. This comes from his own lousy parents, I'm sure. My question is what do I do to get us practical help?
He is most often a loving, attentive father but under pressure just cracks and I feel has unrealistic expectations of what a toddler should behave like. I have tried talking to him and telling him and guiding him to parenting books, but to no avail. He is not a violent person has never hit me or the children.
Please help me.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/10/2010 12:50

your ds is a toddler? i had an h like this once,as my dc left toddlerhood behind and became more challenging,i observed that clenched fist getting a little closer....each time.....i got out,but not before the h had smacked my then 6 year old dd too hard one day.....she's 14 now and still troubled by it

junkcollector · 19/10/2010 12:59

What about parenting classes? You could always go together and pretend that the GP suggested it for you because of the PND.

Elsaz · 19/10/2010 13:09

No what you asked, but if dh 'threatened DS1 with his fist and threatened to 'launch' at him' that is abuse. Threats of violence are a form of emotional abuse.

mumonthenet · 19/10/2010 13:16

what is his view generally on behaviour and discipline?

does he consider it OK to do what he did in the car?

What would happen if you were to explain to your H that violence, threats of violence, or emotional violence (shouting in a toddler's face) are totally unacceptable in your household?

Parenting classes might help him, but only if he accepts that his parenting style is not right, and he wishes to change it.

If not, I'm afraid that this is going to get worse.

cestlavielife · 19/10/2010 13:21

"under pressure just cracks " please explain. how does this manifest?

what constitutes pressure?

a child screaming?

if that is "pressure" and his reaction is violence or threat of - then he seriously needs help...

feelingslowtoday · 19/10/2010 13:30

My husband had questionable parenting and too seems to crack, and gets angry when dd (3) doesn't instantly do whatever he asks of her. Once he really shouted loudly at her and I felt intimidated by it. I was livid, I sat him down and explained that was not ok in any way, explained why - he actually felt awful and appologised to dd and was very upset. I do have to remind him that he is the adult, which obviously isn't ideal, but he hasn't reacted in an extreme way since and I am certain that he would never hit her. We discussed what to do if he gets angry (he is to walk away and do what ever he needs to to get a grip). He still doesn't get why she won't just do what shes told - funny how we can misremember ourselves as perfect children.

So I suggest a serious talk about what is ok and what isn't. Try to nip this in the bud before it gets worse.

Original poster
SebastiansMama · 19/10/2010 13:42

I guess his parenting style is what you would call 'authoritarian'. He is remorseful for his behaviour but looks exasperated and totally out of his depth. 'Cracks under pressure' I would describe as him losing his temper and shouting.
I'm not defending his behaviour but he just doesn't seem to know any other way and is just repeating his father's behavioural patterns.
Thanks for the advice on parenting classes.
Thanks feelingslow - are we married to the same man?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2010 13:59

Does he get this angry with other people like his fellow employees or people he meets in the outside world?. No. Then he can control his outbursts of temper and its being directed solely at his family unit.
All this amounts to emotional abuse.

Ultimately there may come a point where you decide that enough is enough and decide to leave him. These situations do not get better. His own parents taught him destructive stuff as a child with not unsurprising results I might add.

What are you getting out of the relationship with your H now?.

What are you BOTH teaching your children about relationships here?. You are now currently also a part of teaching your own children the same which will blight their lives as adults unless you yourself do something to remove yourselves from the situation.

cestlavielife · 19/10/2010 14:39

what is the "pressure" that triggers the getting angry? how often does this happen?

it can help to keep a log....

does the same "pressure" make you react this way? why not?

does he react in the same way to similar pressure from work/shop assistants etc?

ie is his anger a global problem or just directed at you and DC?

if he is remorseful, would he accept the ned to seek help for his anger and address his childhood upbringing thru therapy?

cestlavielife · 19/10/2010 14:39

need not ned

mumonthenet · 19/10/2010 14:51

Sebmama "I'm not defending his behaviour but he just doesn't seem to know any other way and is just repeating his father's behavioural patterns"

MrSebmama is now a fully functioning intelligent adult. What's past is past. If he accepts that his violent threats are wrong on every possible level then he can and will resolve this problem. He may need professional help.

If he doesn't accept his wrong-doing, if he believes that it is best to discipline a very young child with fists/threats/emotional abuse, if he believes it "didn't do me any harm"....then your children have a sad future ahead of them.

Original poster
SebastiansMama · 19/10/2010 15:40

Thank you - I'm seeing a therapist at the moment for my "PND" - first appt next week. He did go see a GP last week for help and they referred him to a local mental health service. Just need to get him to make the call. He does at times see his errors. He is indeed an adult but has a very broken view of what a father should be like in terms of disciplining.

Some people can rise above their abusive childhoods whilst others need more help to do so. He's a good and decent person but we've had a rough few years - bereavement, IVF, family issues (aren't they always!), redundancy and subsequent long unemployment, and financial pressures. I could go on. I just want my husband back.

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 19/10/2010 17:22

I do hope you get your husband back seb,

I am sure you still love him so don't be afraid to point out to him he has no option but to address these issues of his. I

From your posts, I would guess that you will leave your marriage if he continues this behaviour. (and, as you know, bereavement, redundancy, IVF, etc...doesn't excuse any of it.)

Good luck. Let us know how you get on.

isisandivan · 19/10/2010 17:51

junkcollectorthat is a genius idea!!!

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