dd and dh

[BasementCat]

I am a regular; this is my 'very close to the bone' name.

DD has recently changed school. The school counsellor rang me last week to say that dd spent a long time with her that day, was very angry with dh. We talked for a while and then, that evening, I chatted with dd about her new school, which led on to her anger at dh (he was out).

She says he makes her feel worthless, a waste of time and a waste of money.

He adores her. She knows that intellectually, but she is clearly having trouble feeling it.

I spoke to dh. He was shattered. He was very hurt. He was a bit upset that I hadn't told dd that he keeps all her artwork, reads all her poems.

He pulled his socks up over the next few days, and was kind and gentle and not overbearing or grumpy or angry. Then things slipped and by the w/e she was in tears, feeling worthless again.

I don't know what I want from you. A conversation? Maybe (I'm scared). Your thoughts, ideas, opinions - definitely. Thank you.

How old is your DD?

Is he generally an affectionate guy? Is he a good dad is other areas?

This is a real shame but it sounds like something that should be able to be fixed with a bit of effort.

My DSD sometimes has feelings like this towards her dad.

Can you get him to read "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" It is very good and can be used on children of any age.

Basically I don't think she will immediately belive statements like "you are great, I'm really proud" etc. He will have to work hard to show what he means.

could he start by having a chat with her where he reminds her of things that she has done very well / showed how clever / helpful / thoughtful / generally brilliant she is?

This will show her that he realyl means it because they are events that have stuck in his head.

hope that's a bit of a help

I wonder why she doesn't know that he keeps all of her artwork etc., as you say, that is evidence of how much he thinks of her. Sometimes dh finds it hard to say (or show) how much he thinks of the dc, but it's very obvious in the fun he has with them, and the things they do together. As they're older, they've become aware that's just how Dad is!DS always used to say when he was little that he didn't know what he'd do if I died, as 'Dad doesn't know how to cuddle properly'. He's right - but he loves and adores them. I just think that sometimes men (massive generalisation) need to realise that they have to show their love openly.

sideliner: Basically I don't think she will immediately belive statements like "you are great, I'm really proud" etc. He will have to work hard to show what he means.

The first sentence is what he does. The second is what he doesn't.

ajandjjmum: it's very obvious in the fun he has with them, and the things they do together

Again, he doesn't.

I have tried in the past to point out that he needs to actually do things, but the last time I said anything he said he took her swimming - which he did, about three times a year.

ATM he thinks that driving her to school in the mornings is more than enough. This is what has triggered everything. He is very angry and resentful of having to drive her to school (she's 11) as there is no school transport or reasonable public transport. Unfortunately, he shows his anger and resentment only too clearly.

It's not her fault.

so she feels like a massive inconvenience to him. how

and the one thing that he doing for her is being done without any grace, love or sense of fun, it's no wonder her self esteem is being dented.

Is there some nice "quality time" routine that could fit in with the school run: picking out good music together, doing a long running quiz, just chatting.

Why is he so angry about having to drive her anyway?

he is going to have to work to break the cycle of behaviour.

Would this scenario work on him to show how your DD might be feeling?

Imagine if your only contribution to your marriage was to cook a daily meal but you made very clear how much you hated doing it and you gave him the same thing every night. On top of this you made no other show of emotion of affection or attention and no sex (even if in your head you still love him madly) would your DH still feel loved?

Doesn't he enjoy talking to your daughter?

What interests do they have in common? Music? Sport? Cooking? Walking? What does he spend all weekend doing?

Having just read of his resentment in taking her to school, I think you really need to capitalise on him feeling shit at the moment, and bring in whatever you can to turn this around.

What does he like doing? Can they watch a film together, follow a series on tv, go to a football match, cook dinner for you? If he really is shattered and hurt, he needs to put some real effort into putting it right now.

Could they go off somewhere on their own for a couple of days - on the proviso that his total focus is your dd?

I really miss the time I spent driving my kids to and from school. I learned more about them and what was going on during those conversations, than I ever do at home.

Your poor dd.

I have just read this link from another thread. It describes my life up until a few years ago. I'm sorry. I've misled you. The problem is not his rel with dd - or not only - but it's his rel with me and my weakness in allowing him to be like that.

A relative had e-mailed me after visiting for a few days. She said he has bullied and intimidated me for years. It sent me into a spin and this problem with dd came up at just the right time to allow me to avoid what my relative had said, and focus on someone else.

I am being as honest as I can with you now, but I don't think I can continue with this. I'm sorry I'm so weak.

Are you Ok BC?

Is it shock at realising what has been happening? Or is it that you don't feel strong enough to leave just now? Both are normal feelings in your situation.

What do you mean it describes your life up to a few years ago? The abuse is still on-going I presume?

Do focus on your daughter - she has told you she is having problems with her abusive father.
You can protect her by leaving.
Even if you think you can live with the abuse, you know you don't want your daughter to do this.

Talk to your relative, let them help you. They want to help.

Basement Cat, don't feel bad for 'misleading' people! You posted because you clearly were desperate to get this out. You're not weak, you're broken.

I am really concerned for you but for your daughter too who is literally crying out for help.

Do you want to come back and post some more? As you know there are so many amazing posters on here who understand what you are going through and will help you.

x

please come back and talk BC

When you say your life was like this until a few years ago, do you mean that your DH used to be abusive but now he's ok or your DH used to be abusive towards you and now he's moved on to your DD?

I'm sure you are not weak and I'm positive that you want the best for your DD

sending love
x

I am deeply ashamed of myself. This is so disloyal and I am a naturally very loyal creature.

I have been thinking of our early days, and I see how insidious it all was. I was aware that he had problems, insecurity, possessiveness, attention seeking, selfishness. I'm not sure why I thought

He's just coming downstairs. I can't continue to type while he's in the next room.

BC - feel for you - it was this kind of resentment and moaning about routine things that my exP used to do - tho of course he professed love for his DC. your H cannot see that this is a fantastic chance to spend a small amount of time with his DD, chat about teh day etc. keeping her pictures says nothing if he cant be jolly and plesant on the school run...

your daughter has been very brave and strong in expressing her views to the counsellor adn to you. you need to listen to her - and also try see a counsellor for yourself too to try and get all this out... and talk thru what has been going on...

it is a shock to have it spelled out to you that you are being bullied and intimidated... it is confusing because they say things about loving you and so the cycle of abuse goes on.

BC dont be ashamed it is NOT your fault!
it is insiduous, it creeps up on you. but you are at the realisation stage andyou can slowly take steps to change things

have a chat to womens aid helpline.