I feel uneasy and I don't know why

[upahill]

Me and DH have been together 20 years.
He has been friends with another couple all his life (small village, everyone has known everyone forever)

The bloke in the couple is very quiet, middle aged, nice enough but a bit boring.
His wife the same. We bumped into each other now and again but DH would occasionly go away with bloke, ex BIL and another mate.

Last Christmas the couple unexpectledly split up. He had another women which has shocked everyone. No one saw it coming. The wife was heartbroken.

Anyway, my point, Over the weekend me and DH were out for a drink and bumped into the fella and ex BIL and had a good natter and moved to a different pub.

The new women comes in and we are introduced. She is nice enough, quite chatty, seems to recognize me from the past so we spent time tracing work history and so on.

BUT I feel uneasy about me and DH. If it could happen to them what about us?

The women from the couple had no clue her marriage was about to crumble and was left devastated. She is stronger now but all of a sudden I feel vulnerable and I don't know why. We haven't got any problems with each other but I can't get it out of my head.

I'm going daft!

its a legitimate worry!!!

with text,email,facebook,online datine/cheating sites....makes it all more possible

and my own dp who nobody would EVER suspect,recently made a 'mistake' speaking with some girl from school via fb. no contact,just chat. devastated us for a while,but got through it

my ex did worse.....i blame the internet!!

Ahh, I felt a bit like this, close friends who I assumed were rock solid split up, I thought lordy they were a lot stronger than us, is there any hope???

But remember that whatever the marriage looked like from the outside, it's pretty likely that things went on within that you know nothing about. People are good at pretending to be happy!

Maybe don't worry too much, but take it as a reminder to assess & tune up your own relationship regularly.

god,sorry. you probably didnt want to hear that!

whenever these situations crop up (too often, unfortunately) I remember the advice of someone I used to work with and got very friendly with

she had been married for 30 yrs, lovely family, lovely house, dependable nice-guy flla that everybody loved etc etc

he took up with the barmaid in the local pub who was 20 years younger

left this wife and seemed relatively unconcerned that his grown-up kids (and ergo, grandchildren) more or less disowned him

I was her supervisor at the time and she rang in sick from home, saying he had just left, completely out of the blue

I went round there. She was just in utter shock. She said "Scary, never take your eye off the ball and remember that what attracted you to your fella is still there". I have always remembered that and think that if you become too complacent, or think that no-one else might ever fancy your fella 'cos to you, he's got a bit boring, then you are very foolish.

Very sad situation.

nice guy fella

sorry, too many uses of the word "fella"

Some years ago, a couple my parents were friendly with split up - he had been having an affair for years, as it turned out. With hindsight, my parents could identify some behaviours they had thought odd even at the time, but had dismissed as different marriages working in different ways.

My mum did get a bit worried and asked my dad if he had ever wanted an affair and did he feel he had missed out at all (as this was what this bloke said). Dad said he had had an affair for every day of his married life, it just happened to have been with his wife! Mum said that she did sort of re-evaluate her marriage and take a close look at it all, but all it did was make them stronger.

Although dad had been friends with the husband before they were all married, he has not kept in touch with him, as he says the way he had treated his wife was appalling and no-one should treat their spouse so shabbily. My dad has a very strong moral compass....

well,i can tell you,i got a bit of a shock with dp!! he's really not the sort,really shocked me....and him i think

as a result,i've upped my game!!!

I remember my DH being in shock when he found out about the guy last Christmas. He bumped into the blokes BIL at the local shop who told him.

DH doesn't do facebook, never on the computer alone, when he is on the computer it is looking for engine parts and the like and it is in full view of us all.

He rarely goes out without me. He used to go out once a week for the last hour with the bloke in question or ex BIL and his Now ex BIL. I was always invited to go accross if I wanted and sometimes on the spur of the moment I might wander across and was always made welcome and the conversation didn't change.

Dh always talks about our future and hopes and dreams and is spending a lot of money on the house. There is nothing wrong BUT now I have met the OW and she is nice and ordinary I feel odd.

errm, sprinkle....has he "upped his game" ???

upahill...did you think that OW had horns and red eyes or summat ? [hsmile]

Why don't you talk to your DH? Tell him how you feel - that you love him, you think you have a great marriage but that this has unsettled you. Maybe he has similar feelings. If he has picked up on your feelings, he may be worried himself.

Nothing wrong with a good chat about how much you enjoy your marriage and that you want it to last till he's putting his teeth in a glass by the bed, IMO

Poledra - had the same conversation with my H as your mum and dad did, about 3 or 4 years ago. His mate from college had left his university sweetheart (whom he' moved abroad to be with) for someone, leaving her with two under 4s. He also cut off his mate.

Then 2 years ago he had an affair himself. Go figure. People can be very self delusional when it comes to other people vs their behaviour, it seems.

ScaryFucker No I didn't. I expected her to be a bit younger and a bit more......dunno glamourous I suppose.
I don't mean tarty looking or anything like that but maybe with some make up, a reasonably fashionable outfit, that sort of thing. Like I said I liked her and she is nice enough and we have people we know in commmon. I used to work in the same department as her but at a different time so we had a common ground to talk about.

I'm trying to get a chance to talk ... Sunday kids party nearly all day and last night out for a meal for the actual birthday. This week I am working Tue, Wed and Thursday night and so on........

However we are abroad next week so I'll get a good chance then to sit and unwind.

I hear your concern, and sympathise. I think the bottom line is that we can never be responsible for what somebody else does, and we can never know what goes on in the bottom of somebody's heart/mind (nor should we - we all have a right to privacy in our own head). Sometimes people do very unexpected things.

i don't think that means you should 'expect' your H to up and leave as well, but it's not wrong to tell him how you are feeling after such an unsettling incident, as he is your life partner and should want and be able to support you when you are upset. Personally I wouldn't force a big, heavy conversation on him like 'would you ever have an affair' (I mean, if he's being completely honest, most people cannot account for their future behaviour 100%, however strongly they might feel at the moment) but do tell him you are feeling unsettled and he means a lot to you. I always say to my partner, 'tell me if you are unhappy, let's keep talking, i will do the same' rather than 'don't ever leave me please' - it's the ability to deal with problems BEFORE they get to hurtful behaviour that's the key. not that you promise not to have any problems, which is impossible

Can identify so much with SPRINKLEDUST in that still recovering from fallout earlier in year when my otherwise loyal and loving DH of 30yrs got drawn into a relationship that crossed the boundaries of safe friendship.Have read Shirkey Glass book 'Not just friends'after finally posting and having it recommended-and it expalined so clearly how his lunchtime chats and banter then extended into many texts per day.Just before I found out OW had progressed to sending sexually suggestive texts-she was apparently always very flirty with him and a textaholic and I would agree phones and the internet have a lot to answer for.Fortunately it never became physical-and I can tell now she was more emotionally invested in the relationship than my DH.Altho he accepts full responsibily for responding to her flattery and attention.He's been so remorseful and desperate to repair the damage to our marriage-and done eveything possible -for which I feel fortunate.But has been the most awful experience that shook us both to the core.I would say UPAHILL don't get paranoid but also don't be complacent.I didn't take my DH for granted but now I see he was far more worried about work and finances-and having 'is this it' moments than I realized.And I was getting too preoccupied with grown up kids problems in the preceeding months.Many tears have been shed and heart to hearts but we emerge stronger and wiser.We always did lots together and had healthy seperate interests- but now we schedule times to sit down and really talk about how we feel about us and life in general.It hasn't been easy-we almost split up in the early days-but it's been worth it.Best of luck to all out there going thro the same experience!

You never can tell, but I don't think it sounds like you have too much to worry about tbh

Realize others have to recover from much worse but it did go on for several months and they were making a concerted effort to make sure they could meet up and keep the texts secret so still felt like a massive betrayal to me.Especially as DH didn't confess but I was alerted by OW's husband- who was also v upset.Where i have been lucky is that it din't go any further and we both have worked together and now understand how these things can escalate.All I wanted to say really was never take anything for granted and keep talking.

snuggle, that sounds awful

I am glad you are finding your way back together though, and that you are happy with his reaction/behaviour post-discovery x

I agree never take anything for granted. When I see people picking at and criticising their partners in front of others, being dismissive of them, not valuing their contribution I always cringe a little bit and think 'one day he/she is going to realise that there are men/women out there who can make them feel more special than that..'

My golden rule is to never treat your partner with less respect than you would give someone you didn't know very well. So always 'please' and 'thank you', no taking the piss unkindly, no being ungrateful/taking for granted/nitpicking. It's so easy to get complacent in a long-term relationship.

totally agree, black

as long as it goes both ways, of course

because I hate to see women fawning over men, just as much, tbh

TBH I was so furious at first couldn't see my behaviour had been any different- but now I can see that because I was tired and worried after difficut year with family stuff I was at times nitpicking and critical.He also sees that all i needed was an extra hug or two and to know he was as concerned about one of our DC's who was having some problems at time-now sorted happily.He didn't know what to do ,and being typical fella thought he should be able to come up with solution-when I just needed to have hugs and know he felt the same way too.OW I guess provided non-judgemental light relief and made him feel useful and appreciated because she liked to talk and talk and of course didn't come with any responsibilites for him.So it does have to work both ways with mutual respect and as you say good manners-which can often start to drift in even the happiest long term relationship if not nurtured.Lesson learnt!But definitely no fawning!Respect also has to be earned.