Should I Give Him an Ultimatum?

[justwishing]

I am feeling very confused about my relationship with a lovely man who I have been seeing for over a year now. Things had a rather difficult start due to issues over how much we were seeing of each other, but lately things have gone really well and we have managed to spend more time together and had a holiday together with my DS2 and his sons which went really well.

One thing that contributed to a problem between us last year was that he decided to spend Christmas with his in laws, he is a widower and he and his sons have always gone at Christmas since his wife died. The in laws always did a family Christmas for all their children and their families before that. I am a widow myself (2 years),and totally appreciate how important it is for everyone to keep that connection, but I feel that it is not necessary for me to actually spend Christmas with them! Last year our relationship was very new and I could understand him carrying on with the usual Christmas arrangements, though I was very sad.

Over the weekend we have had a very frank and emotional conversation, he told me he intends to spend Christmas there again this year. He says that his boys enjoy it so much, but admitted that he would rather be with me. I suggested that he offered them the choice as they get on so well with my family and often stay over, but he declined to do that. Despite my obvious distress he has refused to commit to being with me next year when we will have been together for more than 2 years. I was so upset by the whole thing that I told him just how sad it made me and also the fact that we are not going to be able to live together for financial reasons, possibly not until his youngest child now 7 leaves sixth form.

He hadn't considered the impact of this on me as my children will probably all leave home within the next 4 years. I cannot bear the thought of so many lonely years, before I can have what I want which is a shared life together. He is kind, gentle and very loving, but I don't know how long I can or should wait for him.

My friend believes that I should stop being so reasonable and always putting other people's needs above my own and give him an ultimatum that I need him here with me at Christmas. It is such a difficult/delicate situation that I really don't know whether that would be the right thing to do. It is perfectly true as my friend said that he could visit them before or after Christmas and be here with me for the actual day.

Is it that you feel low on his priorities as he won't live with you or plan for when he will and you just wanted your own way (bad choice of phrase I know) for once to prove you are important?

I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt & upset over this - it's not a nice way to feel. I think he has contributed to this, by saying it would be the way you want it to be, if you were living together. I think that he would probably feel more comfortable telling his inlaws that he was spending Christmas Day with you, if you were living together... which is understandable. However, this is signalling to you that your relationship isn't yet 'important' enough to him and that is something you need to discuss - how you both see your relationship/how important/long term it is.

I'm not suprised he hasn't thought about what you will do when your kids leave home - you've only been together a year and it's not the sort of thing most men (generalising I know) think about, unless someone highlights it for them. It really doesn't mean anything.

Living together - I don't know how much you get for your Widowed Parents allowance, but surely (at least when you lose yours), the cost of living in one house rather than two would make up for it - or near enough? I also think, that when you both feel strongly enough that you want/need to live together, the money will take a backseat - it sounds like a convenient out to me (but then, as I said, I don't know how much it is!!).

However, Christmas is for the children. You & yours had other plans before he came along, and so did he & his. I think that denying his children Christmas with their family to spend it with you, would be selfish (even if you were living together tbh). As adults, it's one day - do something fun with your DC (your parents/sibling/friends) - as adults, it is so not important.... it's not as though your kids are going to be upset that he/they are not there... have a joint 'Christmas Day' to swap presents another day... their Christmas is hard enough without their Daughter/Sister/Aunt without making them spend it without these GC as well :(

Really, his kids have lost enough, without losing their family Christmas Day as well. This isn't about not wanting to spend it with you (I'm sure you'd all have a lovely day), but about spending it how they usually spend it.

Not to mention you've only been together a year, it's not a long time (even though it often feels like it is).

Sorry if that sounds harsh as I am sure you know, better than most, how hard it is for children to lose a parent :(

x-posted with you - sorry.

I am sorry that your bereavement is so recent as well. Now this is going to sound harsh - but having your boyfriend there isn't going to stop you missing your husband being there :(

I really get the feeling that you need to slow things down, for everyone's sake, but mostly your own.... it all seems very fast to me.

(I honestly mean that in a caring, not judging way x ).

I think everyone's being very unfair. The OP is trying to build a new family with this man and she can't do that if he isn't there for her at significant times.

Her partner's family are not accepting that he has a new relationship, though his own children have. I think that his children need to keep in close contact with their mother's family, of course they do, but if they have the chance of forging a new, loving family with a new mum and siblings (who we know they have a close relationship already) then they should take that chance.

I don't think the OP would be as upset if he said, "Let's leave it like this for this Christmas and I'll tell them in plenty of time next year that things will be different."

It would be wonderful for his children to have a new mother figure, just as it would be wonderful for her children to have a new father figure - all of the children have been through a lot. It seems it's the OP's partner and his wife's family who can't accept the change.

And yes, if anything happened to my daughter (touching all the wood in the house) then I would find it extremely difficult to think of her husband with another woman, but I hope I would want him and their children to be happy.

I would just like to say in my defence that I love the children dearly and part of the reason I feel so sad is that they won't be with me for Christmas either. We have been together for over a year, in that time I have made birthday cakes for the boys and given them birthday parties, attended school events, mended their clothes and done lots of things for them, out of love. I love their father dearly, but they come with him and I love them for themselves.

They are very fond of me too, and always run for a hug when they see me, and the little one loves me to read his bedtime story and tuck him in. I am a very maternal person and what I want is for us to be able to make a go of this for all of our sakes. I am not heartless and am only too mindful of what all our children have lost, only last week I got DP to keep some baby things as mementoes for the boys, I certainly don't want them ever to forget their mum . Thank you atswimtwolengths I think you really get it.

Are the inlaws close (distance wise?) can you at some point have the best of both on the one day?

Can I ask this but are you ready for such a big relationship...? if its been 2 years since your dh died, and if this christmas thing is throwing you... are you ready for this? I mean that very very respectfully as I have no idea what it must be like to be in your shoes.

But, I would think that its more important than anything that your son knows that you and he will be ok no matter what. That your happiness on that day is not down to external circumstances, but that YOU will make it ok.

Honestly, I would just take the decision out of his hands and go to your parents or something. And have fun.

The in laws lost their daughter.
Their son and law and his children are the remaining link they have , and it must be extremely hard for them to accept a new partner for him.

Do not give an ultimatum, it's unkind.

'The OP is trying to build a new family with this man and she can't do that if he isn't there for her at significant times.'

But they're not going to live together for potentially another 10 years.

purpleduck speaks sense.

It's only been a year. It's only been two since your beloved spouse passed on.

Perhaps take things more slowly and as they come.

It's one day, one holiday out of a whole year's worth.

The in laws are a couple of hundred miles away and last year he went for a week so I don't think that is an option. I really want to have Christmas at home as I am hopefully moving house next month. It will be the first Christmas in my new home, and he came and viewed it with me, it is nearer where he lives than I am now and I so hoped they would all be there to share the day with me. I think I am ready for another relationship, he makes me very happy, but of course it is a very emotional time for me leaving the home I made with my husband and I just wish DP could be there for me at Christmas, he is very caring and supportive in general.

Please don't judge me, if you read my OP you would realise that I have not issued an ultimatum a RL friend suggested it and I felt so unsure as to whether I had handled this right, I didn't expect people to think I was being unkind to another bereaved family. My MIL has lost two of her children, but is delighted that I have met someone and wouldn't expect me to miss Christmas with him to be with her I did say I was more than happy for him to go and see them and would never stand in the way of that, but it is very hard to feel that I can't have Christmas with them all.

It just might not be as soon as you wish is all.

It's not he's breaking it off with you.

And you two admittedly have barriers to living together that will need worked through, and the issue of your children flying the coop.

Serious issues that need to be worked on.

For now, it's a relatively new relationship because it's one involving two people who've had loss and all their children.

Pleas try your best to accept that and work round for now if you want it to go the distance.

I don't mean this to be harsh, but it sounds like you're getting fixated on the one day as a symptom of the bigger picture of your relationship.

He sounds like a good guy trying to please everyone . Why not have two christmasses ?

If you had read all my posts you would realise that your unpleasant abusive comments in no way reflect the reality of this situation. I have reported your post.

That was to you spidookly and I truly hope that you never have to stand in my shoes and experience what I have gone through in the last two years. As to my "questionable" financial arrangements, I wonder how yours would be if the main breadwinner in your household died and left you coping with three children. Just a thought.

Why do you feel so entitled to spend Christsmas "with them all"?

Why would your MIL assume that your first priority at Christmas is to your new boyfriend and not your own family?

Your selfishness and childishness is astounding.

No matter what you've been through in the last 2 years, you still shouldn't think that makes it OK to upset a standing family tradition because you don't think it necessary.

What about your children? They lost their Dad 2 years ago. Do they really want Christmas to revolve around another man so soon?

Perhaps they'd like to spend it with their Granny?

I agree with everything that spidookly said.

It takes time to heal from losing a parent and time to heal from losing a partner.

I think you are sounding very insecure and putting all your emotional eggs in one basket. You need to give the new bloke and his children time to heal. It could take ages, as long as the wait for you both to move in together, which presumeably won't change.

Make Christmas special for yourself and your boys. Do you really have to have a man, not their dad, to complete it?

Perhaps if you both read all the posts rather than just the OP, you might see things a little differently.

I have read all the posts. Twice.

I re-read them after your last complaint. I stand by what I said.

Thank you to all the posters who posted with helpful input and advice, I know now that my initial instinct that an ultimatum over this Christmas would be the wrong thing to do,as to next year and the future it is something that my man and I will need to keep talking about I think. Some of your insights into the situation have given me food for thought, so I am grateful for that.

To those of you who posted unpleasant comments casting aspersions on my character and my parenting of my own children, perhaps you should have thought about the fact that I too am bereaved and I did post this in Relationships not AIBU.

I am a regular poster who has namechanged for this and thought that I could ask this question here without being flamed. I had so much kindness shown to me in the Bereavement section after my DH died and recommended the site to several other widows. Perhaps I should now amend my advice to them and tell them to stay in Bereavement where people understand what they are going through.

Just to answer a couple of points for those who are concerned about my children/husband's family. MIL wouldn't expect me to be there automatically as that was not happened when DH was alive, my own children would most certainly not prefer Christmas there and will be spending it with me, their other grandma and their beloved step-grandfather in our new home, although we will certainly see my in laws over the Christmas holiday. The children would have been more than happy to welcome this other family into our home and they would certainly not have seen it in terms of their father being replaced, nothing and nobody can ever do that.

Also anyone who feels there is anything dubious about my finances needs to know that Widowed Parents Allowance is not means tested and is only paid if your DH had paid sufficient contributions over the preceding years, you continue to receive it until your youngest child is 18, hence the ongoing impact of losing it. Within the next year I plan to up my hours at work, and am currently studying hard to get a higher qualification to enable me to get a more senior role with a higher income. I do not think I need to feel shame at taking something I am entitled to to help me through this difficult period of adjustment.

Once again thank you to those who genuinely wanted to help me.

Justwishing - you were right, your friend did not give you the best advice, but I'm sure she only said it because she can see how much it would mean to you.

I'm glad you are going to think about some of the things that have been said and I hope you come out of this feeling better about things, if not completely happy about the situation.

Of course you don't need to feel any shame at receiving the Widows Pension - I think there was only one twat poster who suggested you were, a couple who thought you wouldn't need it/be entitled to it, if you moved in together & me, who also thought/hoped you could, together, do without his if you lived together (especially when you are about to lose yours anyway). However, as it's not means tested and it's based on the deceased partner having contributed enough, I think it's unfair to lose it, irrespective of whether you go on to live with someone else or not. It shouldn't be about what you do, when it's about what they did.

Good luck with getting the higher qualification & better pay!

I really, really hope this works out for you, you deserve it to (both of you & all the kids), but I am still worried that you are rushing into this so soon - I just hope I am wrong. I wish only the best for you!

PS: I think I know who you are and I'm not sure why you name changed - you shouldn't be worried about being 'you' here :(

(I mean who you normally are on MN, not who you are in RL!)

It is very very wise to be working towards a better-paying job in this economy under this government.

As with DLA, which is also non-means tested, I wouldn't expect any such benefit to be secure anymore.

Honestly, please try to work past this and find some peace with yourself and your own family at present.

This guy sounds like he is trying ot please everyone but his priority needs to be his kids and right now, he doesn't feel the time has come to do things differently.

"my own children would most certainly not prefer Christmas there and will be spending it with me, their other grandma and their beloved step-grandfather in our new home"

Wow, that sounds so nice.

So

a) why the burning need to have your boyfriend there?

b) why do you want to upset a similar arrangement for these other children?

You want them to spend their Christmas with your children's grandparents instead of their own, in your new home instead of their Grandparents' house.

Why would they want that?

Oh give it a rest will you Spidookly