I have at last got some time on my own to be able to set out the whole story, or at least most of it. I'm sure I'm not the first person on here who has come up against this issue and I would be so, so grateful for any wisdom.
I disovered 3 years ago that DH had been seeking out online chat rooms and meeting up with other women for casual sex. I found this out when he accidentally left open a email in which he was corresponding with some guy about looking for suitable sex clubs he could visit with his 'girlfriend'. I felt physically sick with shock. I had absolutley no idea about this part of his life and found it incredibly hard to reconcile with my experience of the person I've known for over 20 years. I confronted him, he denied it (not knowing how much evidence I had), then he had to admit it. I asked him to leave me a few days on my own with the kids, which he did.
He came back, was abjectly sorry, promised to stop and we went together to Relate. We both really wanted to put things back together and make them work for the sake of our children and our family and what was otherwise a (mostly) very happy marriage. The sessions were quite helpful in some ways, but the focus was all about moving forward and not really how or why we had got into the situation why we needed Relate. I was too scared to really look in detail at what he had done, and he was also -not surprisingly- happier to look forward rather than to have a good look at what he had done. He wasn't really able to explain WHY and maybe I was too scared to face the possibility that it was because of my inadequacies.
One big issue is that sex has always been a sticking point between us. I've always felt very inhibited and inadequate about sex and very anxious about it. We both found id really hard to talk about sex and to communicate openly. He said that my lack of confidence led to him feeling frustrated and rejected, and this is why he looked elsewhere.
So after the initial 'crisis' counselling , we went on to have sex therapy. This was not really very sucessful, partly because we didn't think that much of the therapist and partly because we didn't feel we addressed what we thought were the 'real' issues. The result was that I felt the therapy didn't 'work' and that I was even more of a sexual failure. I felt pretty depressed and our sex life remained as it had before; not brilliant.
Fast forward 3 years, and I've just caught him going back on the internet sex chat rooms. This is after what I thought was a clear and categorical ultimatum last time. This time I walked out for a couple of days and for the first time I opened up to a friend as I'd previously only spoken to the 2 counsellors. Hearing myself articulate the whole story to someone else made me see things differently, and realise that it wasn't my fault and also that he was responsible for his own actions.
Since then we've done a lot of talking. I made him go through the list of all the women he'd met up with and asked for the details of when, where, their names, how many times they met etc. And it was a really sorry and sordid catalogue of quick sex in cars and pub toilets. And when he heard himself listing all of these encounters that he had experienced, I think he was actually more shocked than I was.
The more I think about this and talk to him, the more I think it's a kind of compulsive behaviour. In 'real life' he is generally considered a good guy; he's charming, kind, decent, well-liked, a great dad and an apparently loving and devoted husband. He really is the last person you could imagine doing these things, which is part of the problem. His self-image as a good guy is very important to him, and he always needs people to like and admire him which usually they do. In contrast, his secret life is about risky escapism which both appalls and excites him. And I think he has found over the time he's been doing this that he needs more risk and more 'transgression' to get the same thrill. He's able to compartmentalise this behaviour and separate it from his imagined 'real' self, so he initially tried to explain it as a kind of reaction to stress rather than recognising it as a deliberate selfish and callous choice which he has made, and a choice which involves putting absolutely everything at risk.
Sorry if this is a bit incoherent; I'm just trying to get everything down while I have a few moments. I feel very calm and clear about this whole situation. I don't really want to end the marriage; we have 2 kids who love their dad and in many ways we have what it takes. BUT I know that I can't spend the rest of my life with someone who is fundementally dishonest with both himself and with me.
I've told him he needs to seek help for this compulsion and he accepts this and I think really wants to sort himself out for the sake of all of us. I still think that there is a place for sex therapy for us as a couple further on down the line, but there is a waste of time unless he resolves his own problems first. I have to feel some hope that this is possible.
I already think we have made a lot of progress in the last few days, in that I have forced him to look in detail at his actions and take ownership of them. I have also spoken to my friend and to my mother, so he is no longer able to maintain his self-image of 'niceness' in the face of their knowledge. I really think that going at least semi-public is helpful. My experience of counsellors is that they refuse to use words like 'fault' and 'wrong', and that makes it easier for people to avoid examining and judging their own behaviour.
Has anyone successfully come out the other side? Or has anyone got any useful insights to share? At the moment I'm not ready to end the marriage, though I can quite see why many people would think I was being blind and foolish to stick with this man.