What to say to friend

[MrsAlwaysRight]

I need some advice as to what I can say to friend who found out last night that her DH has been having an affair. I am meeting up with her tonight and I don't know anyone else personally who has got divorced or whose husband has been unfaithful so am clueless as to what to say.

Background is as follows: Together for 18 years and married for about 10. He asked for a divorce about a month ago and denied anyone else was involved.

My friend was obviously devastated as had no idea there were any problems. She tried to take overdose.

She heard through friends that her DH had spent some time with another woman who is also a friend of hers. She asked woman out right if anything had happened and OW denied it.

A few weeks ago she received an anonymous letter naming this OW as the source of her problems. OW again denied anything had happened and so did her DH. All along the OW had been emailing my friend asking how she was and if her DH had given her a reason for wanting a divorce and even asked her to meet up and her DH has been sleeping with my friend, buying her flowers etc as usual.

At weekend my friend opened a bank statement and found lots of transactions for hotels,flowers etc. Finally her DH admitted the affair which has been going on since June.

He has said he wants my friend to move out of their house (he will pay her a portion of the house's value but is not offering 50%) and agree to quicky internet divorce and for her to leave the area! It has come to light (although her DH doesn't know she knows) that he wants to use the house as security for a business deal that he is under pressure time wise to complete. It seems very unfair that he is placing all these demands on her when she is the wronged party.

She is obviously distraught as completely didn't see this coming and feels that no one else will ever want her again etc. OW is half her husbands age.

Sorry this is so long! Please can someone give me a few pointers even if its what NOT to say. TIA

The poor woman, to be betrayed by both her husband and her friend.

I would tell her not to move out, particularly if the offer is that low.

Do they have children together?

The fact is that if she's half his age, she's very unlikely to be left alone, but I can see why she wouldn't believe it. By the way, I'm trying to work out their ages - been together 18 years (so she's late 30s?) and she's half his age, which would make him in his 70s?

Tell her time heals. It's a terrible physical shock at first and that does take quite a time to go, but once it has, she'll find she can cope alone. She will have to be prepared for remembering things he's said in the past and realising they are lies - that is very shocking. It's as though you don't know your own history.

Oh, God. This is dreadful. Poor woman.

Normally, people pile in saying it's nothing to do with you, etc.

However, in these circumstances, if she is a good friend, and you know the background about the business deal, you owe it to her to tell her at least that, as that protects her interests.

Another thing in her interests is, sadly, to arrange an STD test, unless she and her husband have been using condoms.

It sounds like you only know through her about the affair and the OW, so you can't upset her by revealing any secrets. Strike that worry off.

She must get copies of all bank and credit card statements she can lay her hands on.

Consult a solicitor in family law asap. Any proposals her husband has can go straight to the solicitor.

No sudden moves!

Once she has taken on board the back-door business deal and the idea of copying credit card statements, I think you'll find you won't have to advise her to reject the frankly disgusting 30% quickie divorce-in-his-favour. She probably doesn't need any telling to keep her mouth shut in front of the suspected OW as well! Anyone who asks for information about her circumstances is pretty suspect. Your friend came to you, so you can be trusted, but anyone else's motives are not to be trusted.

Good luck with helping her. You sound like a veyr sensitive and sensible friend.

She needs legal advice PDQ and tell her not to leave the house under any cirucmstances. Some more people will be along shortly I'm sure with more advice.

She will be shell shocked so just let her talk and try not to run down her H as she may get back with him in future.

Good luck.

atswimtwolengths, OW is half the husband's age.

Thanks for replying atswimtwolengths

Forgot to say in original post they do not have children.

It is the OW that is half his age she is 22. My friend is late 30's so certainly not past it as she thinks! Her DH is mid 40's. Sorry for confusion!

I agree that she shouldn't move out but he is making it very hard for her as now the truth has come out he keeps going on about how amazing this other woman is I think he is being so horrible to make her want to leave the marital home and agree to his low offer ASAP.

I am in total shock about him wanting a divorce let alone him having an affair as they always seemed so happy and devoted to each other. So God only knows how my poor friend must be feeling having her whole world suddenly turned upside down.

She needs to get a good solicitor: maybe you can dig into finding one who is recommended for nasty divorces? Because unfortunately some solicitors are misogynists and may give crap advice.
THe best thing to do for your friend is to remind her that her H can't have things all his own way - if she has a stake in the house, he can;t force her to leave and just keep it for himself, and he can't insist she takes less than a fair price if he buys her out. He certainly can't tell her to leave the area if she doesn't want to. Try and encourage her to be calm and polite with the H ie repeating if he keeps arguing with her or telling her to leave. 'I'm consulting a solicitor and you will have the answer in due course'.
Also, remind her that should the H become physically aggressive in an attempt to make her conveniently disappear, it will be him who ends up being removed from the house.

God, my daughter is nearly 22 and I'd soon be setting her straight if she was having an affair with a married man.

One thing I know about girls that age, though, is that they might want something intensely at the time, but months later they can't even remember why they wanted it.

Every time he mentions the other woman's name, your friend should stop the conversation. She should get a good solicitor immediately and tell her husband that all communications must go via the solicitor.

Oh lots of replies all at once! You can all obviously type a lot faster than I!

She has a solicitor already and I have told her to contact them ASAP with the new information about the affair.

She knows about the business deal already its her husband that doesn't know she knows IYSWIM

I feel in a slightly awkward situation as although I knew her first I am also friends with her DH and my DH is good friends with him also. I do not agree with what he has done in the slightest but don't want to get involved in a taking sides situation but I think my friend may expect that of DH and I.

Maybe I'm cynical, but don't think new relationship will last much longer OW will probably run a mile.

"All along the OW had been emailing my friend asking how she was and if her DH had given her a reason for wanting a divorce and even asked her to meet up shock and her DH has been sleeping with my friend, buying her flowers etc as usual."

Sorry, I don't understand. He was still sleeping with his wife and buying her flowers after he said he wanted a divorce? Or was still sleeping with the OW and buying ^her flowers, in which case you describe the OW as a friend of yours too.

Sorry obviously not very good at being clear! Up until he said he wanted a divorce he was buying my friend flowers and sleeping with her as normal. I don't know the OW.

My friend has slept with him a few times since he has asked for a divorce. Have told her in no uncertain terms to stop!!

I agree that it won't last with OW.

Right, so she's got a few trump cards up her sleeve here, then. She must dig her heels in very firmly about the house and agree to nothing until the business deal has collapsed.

She needs to get some great legal advice and tell her H that this is what she is doing. She should stop having sex with him forthwith, but find a way to communicate to the OW that this prick has been sleeping with both of them, even after he left. In her shoes now, my objective would be to leave this man with no-one, you see.

Order a book called "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass for her and if you're going to be the main person helping her through this, read it yourself too.

In a situation like this when you are friends with the H too, it can be pretty impossible not to take sides, however hard you try. You and your H would actually though be this man's true friend if you challenged him on his behaviour and got him to see what he was doing and how cruel he and his OW have been. True friends don't sit on the fence in a situation like this and it sounds as though this is classic midlife crisis territory, with a very immature, but cruel OW.

Sometimes, it needs friends to point out that someone is being an absolute dick, to be a true friend to his marriage, so have a chat with your H about how you can support their marriage and not his behaviour.

Your poor friend has had one shock after another - she was lied to by both her H and the OW, even after he left, had the awful shock of an anonymous letter (one of the nastiest aspects of this, is that letter) and has gone from having what I don't doubt was a loving marriage to being told she should be banished from the area, all in the space of 4 weeks .

She should of course see her GP, because she might need some help just getting through the days at the moment. The advice upthread about a STI check is also sound and you could offer to go with her.

Tonight, listen to her, cuddle her if she wants it and let her spill it all out.

Thanks for the good advice. I saw her last night and considering all that has recently come to light she was quite together.

She accepts that their marriage is definately over. I think prior to the information about the affair coming out deep down she thought there might still be a chance of reconciliation.

She is seeing the solicitor again this morning armed with the new information. She managed to get copies of the incriminating bank statements.

Advised her that she needs to get tested for STD's.

The OW's mum also knows my friend and has emailed her to apologise. She is mortified about what her daughter has done and has kicked her out of the house!

Now, that's something you don't hear everyday - someone being chucked out of the house for having an affair with someone married!

I agree with wwifn, there are times when you shouldn't sit on the fence. I hate it when people say 'I dont want to get involved.' If you are being told about something like this, you are involved. I think you and your dh should be upfront with this 'man' about what you think of his actions.

What a shit.

WWIFN is the Go-To Girl on this subject. [hgrin]

I was going to suggest that the friend do nothing what so ever re the house and leaving. Even if he's offering her full cash value, stay put, say nothing, agreed to nothing, just to f8ck him over and his little business deal right up the swanny!

and then I'd say go to the hungriest snarling rabid solicitor she can find!

She is going to get mad, sometime very soon, you might even be needed to hold her back a bit....

And BRAVO to the OW mum!

You are a very lovely friend!

Quick update:

She has seen solicitor who appears to be giving her good advice and apparently comes highly recommended in our area.

She is going on holiday next week (which they had booked prior to split). I think the break from the tension in their house will do her good. Once she returns the solicitor will be getting the ball rolling.

All in all she seems more positive and confident that she can get through this and there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

Many thanks for all the advice

That's good news. Thanks for the update!