How awful am I?

[OhMyGawd]

Name changed for this.

I have just sat here and have been thinking about how happy dp and I are.

I begun to think about previous relationships and have realised some of my behaviour to dp reflects what I have had done to me in the past. Now i feel awful!

I have never been a jealous person but have been with DP, I worry he is up to something when I know deep down he isn't, but it actually eats away at me at times.

I go out a fair bit where as he will always be at home or persuing his hobby but then most times he takes our eldest with him.

oh dear what a terrible person I am, I have trust issues it seems and instead of talking about them I have been putting it onto him.

We have a brilliant relationship and yet I sit here some days and wonder what he is up to without me.

I feel he could do better than me.

Sorry just needed a ramble!

Well, recognising it is half the battle, you are not terrible, but your insecurity is perhaps creating behaviour that is not feeding the relationship healthily.

Maybe you should talk to him. When things are fine and express that you realise this and would like his support in gaining more confidence in yourself and thus your relationship.

I lived with someone who had chronic jealousy issues from a past experience and in itself didn't mind helping him and trying to develop his self esteem. What frustrated me was him recognising he had a problem and doing nothing about it and letting it fester.

He is with you because that is what he wants..he has done 'better'.. you are that to him. Broken trust is hard to fix though and I do feel for you.

Take care of yourself and him and make little steps to start healing x

The worst thing I do tbh is goad him to see if he will hit me, its almost as if, if he did I would know where I stand. In actual fact on the rare occassion we do row he hardly even shouts. But will prefer to walk away, which always infuriates me more.

He is a real gem tbh

What was your father like? Did you get blamed for 'winding your father up'?

Colditz, my father was a very calm man indeed. He didn't get wound up, quite th opposite in fact.
Actually I have said on a number of times DP is very like him.

I did get blamed by ex-p for winding him up to the point he would beat the hell out of me. But now I can see it wasn't me at all, he could walk in from work having had a bad day and take it out on me, or his football team could lose and if they did and I had moved his towel or cup from where he positioned them then I would get a beating for that.

I think this is quite a normal response to previous abusive relationships.

Counselling, or CBT could help enormously.

Agree counselling could be very valuable but please do talk to your DP

I have spoken to DP previously but not for a few years. He always tells me the same
that he loves me and me alone, doesn't want anyone else, would never hurt me, the boys and I are all he wants. He understands I still want to go out and more so than him ( he is 13.5yrs older than me) and that the only way he will leave my side is in a box - he is such a cheerful chap lol

He sounds like a rock OhMy... perhaps you should work on this not just for the benefits of your relationship but to give yourself some peace of mind. It can be very draining and you might find new doors open for you if you can banish the ghosts as it were...