help me understand strange SIL - just found out she had a baby

[Lexilicious]

just to set out the family layout here, this is my DH's brother and his wife. I'll call her SIL and my husband's family the ILs.

And for historical context, they eloped a few years ago and married on some far flung tropical isles before I knew them. SIL isn't much interested in socialising with the ILs, so far so normal. The eloping was a surprise, and I gather the ILs were a little hurt, but then again it wasn't as if they were the only ones excluded.

There was a slightly weird period which included a 13 page letter sent by SIL to ILs detailing all of the ways they are ruining her life. Again, before I knew any of the family so I can't gice much detail there or even veracity.

Just when I'd started seeing DH properly in spring 2008, it was a big wedding anniversary for the ILs and another close couple. DH his brother and cousin planned it but a week before it was taking place, BIL dropped out. They had just found a really good last minute deal ona a holiday in some far flung tropical isle again. They're quite well off it seems so it's not likely to have been their only shot at a holiday.

Last year things were really very cordial. I think we saw them about four times in 2009 which was really unprecedented. They were very pleasant, if guarded, and all was well. They don't seem to do any contact whatsoever between meet-ups.

Last week their baby arrived. While of course the only correct response here is "congratulations", is it not bizarre not to have told any family that there is a neice/grandchild on the way? I might understand keeping it till after scans, 20wk scan if a certain age or other risk factors, I can't compute keeping it a secret until actually after the birth!

any ideas?

and as far as age goes I think they are both early thirties, well I know he is, assume she is too.

Odd.

I guess they really don't want to be a part of the ILs family (you and your husand included) and don't want you lot to be a part of their life either.

It's sad, but it is a very clear message.

That is very very odd IMO.

I can understand being a private person and not wanting to share every hiccup and haemorrhoid of pregnancy with anyone, but to not even tell anyone in the family that you're pregnant is quite strange.

Did she lock herself in her house for the duration?

I've got an aunt that is much the same. We were pregnant a the same time (her 3rd, my 1st), and she never said a word in our email exchanges! Looking back, she was interested in the number of days I spent in hospital after my EMCS, and now I realise it was because she was having a planned CS in the U.S. just a few months later.

She had quite a few miscarriages and had difficult pregnancies (so I'm told), so I tend to think that's why she keeps quiet with me. But things have been tense with most of her siblings (incl my dad) since their father died and mother went into nursing home. I know she's already said once her mom dies she doesn't think she'll ever see the older four siblings again

well indeed, did she lock herself away, good question. We've heard nothing from them this year at all, so who knows what bumps and dramas they've dealt with on their own. (there is not much evidence of friends in their life either).

Thing is, Yuno, they don't exclude us entirely. they turn up to things, once in a while. Just would never invite us to their end of the country, or ask to come to us. They live about four hours drive from the rest of us, and after a family social in the ILs neck of the woods, they would prefer to drive home - there are plenty of spare rooms they could have.

Could they have adopted the baby? That would explain why they weren't in touch during the pregnancy.
Other than that the SIL obviously doesn't really get on with the IL's and therefore doesn't really want contact for whatever reason.

My mother and grandfather fell out with his son and wife (my aunt and uncle) a while back. Basically they objected to my grandfather forming a relationship with their nanny a few years after his wife's death. Horrible family schism and they were ridiculous about it, it's his life, he can do what he wants.

Anyway, although I invited them to my wedding, and was polite, I moved abroad and had a baby and never told them. To be honest I'd forgotten about their existence, but my mother was called by my aunt a while ago and she told her and she was gobsmacked that I never announced it in The Times or whatever.

There's probably some history which you weren't privy to as it all happened a lot time ago but the 13 page letter suggests that rather a lot has 'gone down'!

I would try not to let it get to you - it is not you they are shunning but your brother and his blood family and you are just kind of caught up in it. But it is sad and a shame of course.

Sorry, meant to say you DH and his blood family.

Def not adopted. Just seen pictures sent by email, including the usual 'just given birth, half-naked in a hospital bed' picture. Very cute.

Otchayaniye yours is a proper, full-on falling out! I also would be very sad about that situation, but you know where you are - there's no relationship at all. With this family there are teasers of contact and then something huge kept secret.

I don't feel 'shunned' at all, this is not about me and I don't want to butt in and tell them all how to fix it or anything. I think it is odd and I feel bad for my ILs as there is no suggestion that they have done anything wrong. They are completely, utterly normal people (I find them slightly hard work but it is much more likely that I am seeing criticism where there is none). The letter was a borderline psychotic rant, I'm told.

What, if anything, I would like to do is send a card and a little gift, saying how lovely the news is and if they want anything to call any time. She had a long conversation with me last autumn about breatfeeding and said "oh I would definitely try to bf if I have children". Is that my way in to offer help?

There is some quite nasty banter going on on facebook between some of DH/BILs old schoolfriends in response to DH's "I'm a surprise uncle!" announcement. I want them to stop it, as those comments (currently invisible to BIL, thankfully) won't help the family reconcile, even if they wanted to. I realise BIL and SIL have to initiate that, and they may not feel they need to. I just think you need to do what you can to keep the door open for the future. Don't you?

Yes I agree with you that of course it's normal to want the situation resolved - after all this new dc is your dc's cousin.

However;
'The letter was a borderline psychotic rant, I'm told.'

There are two sides to every story. My parents can appear to be nice, normal people too but I know first hand how abusive they can be and have been to me. I am not saying that this is the case with your PIL of course but just trying to point out that it's impossible for you to know what's gone on.

Hmm, tis a bit strange but I think there maybe more history . I am currently 33 weeks pregnant and my brother doesn't know, I certainly won't be telling him but my parents do know (and have been involved along the way). My brother hurt me deeply a few years ago and my SIL always seemed to take great pleasure in having a laugh at my expense and exclude me from nephews birthday parties etc (ooh I could write a whole book!), so if they find out about LO it will not be from me. That said some people just are abit strange, even family with family.

By all means, a card and a gift I would hope would be appreciated by them, maybe you could drop in how you'd love to meet the baby?

As an aside, my FIL lives in another country and when he is here, never visits or contacts us. There has been no falling out at all. I tried many years ago to improve relations but it was a waste of time so now I don't fight it. Like I said, some people are strange! Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

I'd just leave them be. If your husband wants more contact with his brother he can chase him up. If SIL sent a 13 page letter to inlaws saying they were ruining her life then I'm surprised anyone wanted or expected her to come to a big anniversary do for people she hates.
On the limited info here we can't "understand" your SIL. She obviously isn't keen on her husband's family. I presume your husband and his brother aren't close or they'd choose to meet up more without womenfolk if need be.