I broke up with DP yesterday. Can being friends work?

[SupposedToBeWorking]

I'd been thinking about it more and more often, but it still came as a shock to hear myself say it.

I had doubts from the get-go. Never knew whether I was really in love with him. Knew he was in love with me, but not sure what version of me it is that he loves so much. It's not one where I am totally at home.

Yesterday we both thought we could still be friends - that's all we've been for months. Today he's not so sure. He's got a point - how can we spend the weekend hanging out now? Even though hanging out is all we've been doing for so long, and even though hanging out together is so much fun. But it's all different - like he said, his idea of the future doesn't have me in it any more.

I feel blank. I'm at work. All my stuff is in his house. We should never have been more than friends and I knew it at the time. Although if we'd never been more than friends we wouldn't have had the beautiful times that we did. But can we be friends now? Soon? When?

You can never go back to being the friends you previously were so I think he is right. Too much has happened since, the nature of the relationship has irrecovably changed and it has unfortunately not worked out.

I would wish him well and leave him well alone from now on.

Ex's are ex's often for good reason, never forget that.

Probably not, certainly not yet. I split up from a long term boyfriend years ago because we were friends really and not anything more. It hurt like mad and I missed him very very much, but it was his friendship no butterflies etc. I think it's inevitable that you are going to miss him and feel a bit lonely, but in the long term it's the right thing to do.

What Attila said. I agree.

NOt yet, if ever. By the sound of it he would prefer you to have remained his partner, so it is actually not fair for you to try and push to be friends because you are bored or lonely. Let him get over you and then see how it goes.
When you split up with someone because, lovely though the person is, a sexual-romantic coupling just doesn't feel right, you can become friends later on (unless/until one of you is a tediously neurotic monogamist or takes up with one). But to keep on behaving almost-like-a-couple when you're not is the sort of thing that can lead to you drifting back into a not-working relationship, splitting up again, repeating the cycle and ending up hating each other.

Thanks all.

I'm proud of myself for doing the right thing. I don't want to fuck up the break up by not breaking up properly. Especially not the way that HalloweenSGB describes. I've done that before and it's completely unfair.

What do I do about my stuff in his house? I have to take it all out in one go, don't I? Do I do it when he's there?

If anyone can just tell me how to do the practicals, I'll be grateful. No shared assets or children or anything complicated, just stuff in his house and a strong habit of spending time together.

Going for a coffee.

If it's any consolation, I had several of my ex-partners at my wedding, including the guy I had been in a 2 year relationship with who I left for DH. .

The point is, I was friends with these guys before we were romantically involved. Once the dust settled down, the person I had been friends with was still there. You may need to give it some time to work the feelings out but it's not outside the bounds of possibility that you can have a perfectly civilised and friendly relationship eventually.

Well, you could ask him when's a good time to pick up your stuff and let him decide whether he wants to be there or not. If he is going to be there, it might not be a bad idea to have an appointment of some sort that you are on your way to, so you avoid the possibility of him wanting to 'talk it over' at length. Is it going to be OK to bundle it all up and sling it in a bag or, if it's bulky, do you have a car? Because what you really, really don't want to have to do is bring along A Man to help with the transportation, even if it's your Uncle Freddy.

Stuff in his house is only a carload or two, nothing I can't lift myself. Having an appointment is a good idea. I was all ready to take everything yesterday and he didn't want me to. He may well want to talk things over, because it was quite a shock to him.

I've just arranged to spend the weekend working and the following few days with my folks. Weekends are the danger period for me in terms of selfishly contacting him 'to ask how he is', which of course means 'to stave off the gaping new loneliness'.

I wish I had a cat. I do, however, have a computer with MN on it and a toasty warm woodstove.

Probably not, but it does depend on the pair of you.

I broke up with my long term DP three and a half years ago. But he continued to come round to see our dd. It was stilted at first and uncomfortable, but not nasty - we were never nasty about it.

Over time it got easier, although when I met someone else 2 years ago it got more uncomfortable for him, he took that quite hard.

But it is all very amicable, although I think we are unusual. However, I wouldn't class him as a 'friend' and the only reason he is still in my life is because of our dd.