Joint accounts

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

DH and I have been married for nearly 5 years (together for nearly 13). We have a young DD and are generally pretty happy.

A couple of years ago, DH decided to try to start his own business on the side and borrowed £2K from me to do so. We then sold our car for £11K and used £1600 of that to buy a bed - DH 'invested' the rest of the money in his business.

He got made redundant in '09 and 'invested' his redundancy money into his business which he then went full-time with. I supported our family alone for a year (his business made no money whatsoever - in fact, made a loss) which was incredibly stressful (especially given that I was suffering from depression for a period of that).

DH now works full-time and has decided that we should have a joint account. We each have a personal account and then use the joint account for bills. He wants us to have a joint account only so that we can 'manage our money better'. He's pretty controlling financially: complains when I buy a dress for work/ says I should save X amount of money/generally buy lunch out/dinner out/fuel etc (I earn a good deal more than he does).

Is it unreasonable of me to not concede to his request? He's very tight fisted with his own money and tries to control mine. I don't want him to have this control. Am I out of order?

I wouldn't do it.

What business is it of his that you spend money on a dress, if you pay a fair share of the bills?

If you do earn a lot more than him I would consider it fairer to pay a proportional amount into the bills account (so maybe you pay 60% he pays 40%, depending on how much more you earn), but after that your money is your own.

Is he actually controlling or just jealous? Eithr way he needs to get over it.

Tell him to fuck off. Your current arrangement is the right one.

We've been living together for 25 years, married for 15. We have our own accounts and pay an agreed amount into the joint account (roughly proportionate to our incomes, adding up to the household budget), which has defined legitimate expenditures from it. There used to be a piece of paper; it has necessarily got more ill-defined over the years. Everything involving the children is joint, everything that only affects one of us is sole name, the rest is up for negotiation.

Each of us has a debit card on our own account and on the joint account, and our own credit cards (no second cards: they're independent accounts).

We have our own savings, although these days there's also a notional "joint savings", held in the name of whoever has the lower rate of tax, used for holidays and washing machines and other payments that happen less frequently than monthly. Sometimes one or the other of us will pay for a family holiday, or pay the difference between the general holiday budget and our preferred option.

We don't have an overdraft arrangement on the joint account, to avoid the "jointly and severally liable" problem, and if it runs short one or the other of us kicks in some of "our" money to tide it over.

Of course he wants a joint account - he hasn't got enough to play with, with his own money - he wants yours too!

No way is my answer! Just based on your last paragraph, you'd have to be mad to have a joint account with him.

Money is better managed in separate accounts, I think. If one person is irresponsible with money, then so much more damage can be done with a joint account.

I hate to say it, but he's had his chance already - he's had several thousands of pounds to spend on his own business and it made a loss. Now a lot of businesses have gone bust, but surely he should have seen signs early on that it wasn't going to work?

I would not let anyone who was controlling have access to my account. I wouldn't let anyone tell me I couldn't buy a dress, if I could afford to buy one.

How do you get on with him in other ways? Is this a marriage you think will last for a lifetime?

If you don't want a joint account, then you don't need to have one - it's not up to him to decide how you should run your finances. His idea of "managing our finances better" sounds like it is just a matter of him managing (controlling) all the finances, since there's no sign in anything you've said that makes it look like you have any problem managing your side of the finances. In act its his financial decisions that don't look too good.

YANBU!

In other respects, we have a great relationship but money is a sticking point. I do think that he's jealous that I earn more but weirdly, he points this out to other people in a very good natured, happy way ("well, she does earn twice what I do"). I've never flaunted my money by any stretch and have always used the extra that I have for the better of the family (paying for holidays etc).

Before he tells you what to save, out of interest has he repaid you the 6700 pounds his failed business owes you directly, plus e.g. rent contributions for the year he didn't?

I wouldnt have a joint account with this man. You say that he is pretty controlling financially, but it looks like he is really only controlling of your money, and isnt particularly good at managing his own?

Mmmm ... why does he feel any need to point out to anyone what you earn relative to him? It sounds like it is something he's very conscious of, and being "good natured" about it allows him to comment on it before anyone else does (not that they probably would anyway).

I'd definitely keep separate accounts, though you could look at how much you each pay into the joint account and whether it is still "fair", though it sounds fine from what you've said here.

BTW DH and I only have joint accounts, and DH does most of the planning, though we earn about the same, so I don't have any issue with joint finances. But it depends on the people involved and how they both operate - DH never grudges me spending money on things for me, or tells me what I should or shouldn't do, though he keeps me aware of when money is tight so I can make choices based on that.

No way should you have a joint account with this man. It works for some couples but you have to broadly have the same attitudes to money and total trust.
I don't see that in anything you've said.

My DH is awful with money, and has finally admitted it. We have separate accounts and now I keep his card and dish him out money when he needs it. Works for us although very few people in RL know, he is a bit embarrassed.

I would say are right to be wary...... and I speak as some one who has had a joint account for 20 years!

What you have said about him trying to control YOUR money and him being tight fisted does not bode well for happy financial future!