What do you say when a friend, who is a good friend to you.....

[electra]

suddenly spouts bigoted views?

I have a friend who has been really good to me and I like her except for her views on immigration. Sometimes when I see her she starts saying things like polish people are taking all the social housing / jobs and 'foreigners' shouldn't be allowed to live here.

If I hear anyone saying this kind of thing it makes my blood boil. I do not think she is a horrid personn - she is just misguided and regurgitates what she's heard her parents say.

But it drives me MAD. And I don't know what to say in response.

Have you tried pointing out to her that there are also plenty of people of English descent screwing the system?

say what you think! ask her to debate how she feels with you
( like i fo that all the time with my mates)

well that may be her view - and you clearly have yours. So what you say in response should be your opinion on the matter.

Dont get heated or angry with her - just make your point and then perhaps she will refrain from saying such things when in your presence.

I had a workmate who used to say things like "I'm not a racist, but..." "I'm not a bigot, but..." and then spout rubbish. In the end I just put a really blank look on my face and didn't respond. Try it.

Are her allegations about Polish people living on benefits here in the UK even true?! All the Polish I've ever met seem to have a pretty strong work ethic...

Oh no I would not get angry - I've stated my own pov too. I've managed to work on my mum about this issue with some success but I spend more time with her.

if she traced her roots back she would probably discover she is a foreigner too!

There are plenty of immigrants here working very hard & paying their taxes.

Watching this thread with interest. Same problem, to such an extent that I am wondering if
A, my friend is truly deluded,
B, whether I can continue our friendship.

My friend is also a lovely kind person, apart from this.

My friend believes all the problems in the UK are in some way/shape/form caused by the foreigners, for taking our jobs for under the british minimum wage (apparently employers get away with paying them less because they are not British Residents, and therefore not legally entitled to minimum wage.)
They take our social housing,
Majority of them dont work and just come here to claim benefits for themselves and their families.
All our problems would be vastly improved if we got rid of everyone who wasn't white and British.

The other half of our problems would be solved if we refused to contribute another penny to foreign aid.

This particular friend has never worked and has claimed benefits her whole life. Now this is not bashing her for it, but she believes it is perfectly okay, in fact it is her right to be supported (being a female and all ) by a man or failing that, the govt, but under no circs should a foreign person, or even a non white uk resident be able to claim any benefits, regardless of how much they contribute themselves.

I don't know enough facts to try to help her see the light, and in fact, when I have told her that this is blatantly not true, and she should check her facts, she asks me where I got my facts from, and no matter what source I got my facts from, she says it's complete bollox, and her version is in fact true.

I am actually struggling to be her friend right now.

So no advice, but watching with interest.

At the end of the day there will always be lazy, selfish people who will take full advantage of the benefits system. It doesnt matter what nationality you are, what you race you are...there are freeloaders everywhere.

It drives me crazy that some people (like me, my parents and others like us) work hard at our jobs & always have...when there are millions of others that are quite happy to let everyone subsidise their existence. They are content just abusing the system & doing nothing with their lives.

I personally take a lot of pride in the fact that I provide for me and my family.

I think there should be better regulation in terms of immigrants & benefits so the country's resources arent so stretched but I fail to see how the entire nation's problems are caused by "foreigners". The majority are very hard workers & only want to be in the UK for the increased opportunities & to make better lives for themselves. Just like my parents did when they came over here and they set me the same example.

'there are millions of others that are quite happy to let everyone subsidise their existence'

Who are these millions of others and where is your evidence for that statement? I think that most people want to work. Those who can't most often cannot because they haven't had the opportunities to make that possible.

Electra - i think we can safely say that these people do exist. When I say "millions" I am exaggerating and being colourful with my language, as opposed to offering you an accurate & researched figure.

As I said - "the majority are hard workers & only want to be in the UK for the increased opportunites & to make better lives for themeselves".

I am totally with you & your view on this topic. My father is Jamaican and my mother Japanese...and both came here to work & they have always worked very hard. They are not the only ones.

Well, my friend has the view that 'foreigners' are 'taking our jobs' which is what I find offensive. I think she blames all the difficulties in her life on 'foreigners' tbh.

Its a really difficult one.

Even people in my own family have the same opinion and everytime I go home there are heated arguements.

I just bite my lip now.

There comeback to me is that I live in alarge city where there are plenty of employment opportunities they, on the other hand, live in a small town with massive unemployment and any jobs there are available have gone to people who are working for less then minimum wage. They also say its affecting the schools because there arent places left for their own children to go to their local schools.

Like I say, Ive given up.

Not easy - my lovely but slightly deluded Mum started up about immigrants until I pointed out that she came to this country herself in the 60s so was an immigrant

Yes well a lot of folk do use that as an excuse but its a total cop out. Nobody is "taking your job"...its up to you to get out there and do the best you can. We can all play the blame game but it really doesnt get you anywhere.

Your friend clearly has some issues and just wants to pass the buck for her own failings.

I would just stick to your guns & make your point with her...but also be aware that quite often such people will never listen. They are sometimes just totally ignorant to the reality of thing...[hmmm]

There is a line in a song "if you have a racist friend / now is the time for that friendship to end".

I challenge this everywhere - family, friends, colleagues. I put distance between myself and some friends with suh views. I challenge my family and try to explain the facts so they don't just hear the DM view. If it's PIL I just repeat "that is racist" till they get the picture.

DH and I have an agreement that no casual racism goes untackled in our home. I won't have my DD thinking it's normal. These sorts of throwaway comments normalise racism.

However I accept I have a strong view on this!

I have this problem with a couple of very long term friends we've known each other 20 years. Without naming the area they live in a somwhat backward thinking and culturally stagnant place in the UK (Redneck numptyville in other words, bloody minging).

One (call her X) has 2 mixed race dcs she's now split from the Dad who's African....and a total dickhead. Nothing whatsoever to do with his skin colour and nationality I've had the misfortune to meet men like this from all walks of life. It's made her v racist against Africans, in fact all black people. I point out the fact her own children are black, it's quite sickening really. She's also got very Daily Mail views about immigration. Anytime we go through an area in any city/ town and she sees black people she starts with "God it's rough round here"

the other friend (call her Y) often goes on about X saying "well she doesn't stand a chance of meeting anyone else does she with 2 black kids, who'd have her??" etc. etc.

I've started challenging them because it does my bloody head in. I've pointed out that maybe in nasty crapsville where they choose to live everyone may have these hirible views but in Manchester there's mixed race families everywhere and no one actually bats an eyelid and maybe they need to be quite not so prejudiced.

It's interesting now that i've said it Y seems to have changed her views and now says "unfortunately round here it will be difficult for X to meet someone because of the way people think" which I don't doubt.

The fact that x is ashamed of the colour of her owns childrens skin is a lot harder to stomach

Electra - your statement that "most people want to work" is true, however there ARE millions who are happy for the rest of us to subsidise their existence. My evidence being that both myself & dh grew up amongst them, each of us in very different parts of the country. We've heard every trick in the book from those we grew up with when it comes to screwing the benefits system. We both have always worked hard & deplore their behaviour, however to think people like these don't exist (and in their millions) is very naive. Racism is dreadful, though & I fully understand your being offended by it.

Its really difficult I know. Although, I notice amongst my own friends especially those my mothers age, the ones that come out with the most comments are actually immigrants themselves!! and, this is pretty standard. I have to respect other peoples opinions though. I dont think it does you any good to go around challenging everything as it gets you nowhere.

I get more upset when its just crap coming out of my brothers gob. Because he is an ignorant git and I do think it has alot to do with where you are brought up. Im talking about a small town thats never experienced immigration and such a large scale. Where there where no jobs as such to begin with. And where there have been no facilities to teach the children English at school and, as a result, the schools have suffered.

If I was you OP, I would tell your friends to keep their opinions to themselves. I havent lost friends due to racism, Im lucky that I havent got any that are. I have lost friends due to homophobia though and I have been better off without them. If it gets you down that much then, cut loose.

Minx - that breaks my heart for your friend's children. What kind of feelings of self-worth will they grow up with, if they hear their own mother spouting that hateful crap about people with their skin colour all the time? It makes me want to cry and scream all at once.

OP and others - you need to learn to perform this song (press play on top link).

You will need an accordion but it will be worth it.

at all these people, especially racist-against-own-children woman.

I know mostlycheese and she's had that pointed out to her. Have just been on a girlie break with these 2 and another mate (call her Z) who's lovely has no horrible hateful views. me and Z found it very hard to stomach xs behaviour and sentiments and tbh even though i've known her a long time, she's always been a bloody nightmare and it's out me off her a lot.

It's one of those friendships where you are mates because you've known each other so long, tnh if i met her now I wouldn't like her much. DH isn't keen either. She upset Z a lot on holiday with the thing she said so i think we'll both just let that one fade out.

Her dcs already have probs, both out of control and behaviour probs at school. It's