getting the most out of counselling

[londonartemis]

I went to Relate a year ago and found it very useful. I had gradually become very deeply unhappy in my marriage. The counsellor was very sympathetic, and I felt the counselling helped. Since that time, my DH has made huge efforts, as have I, to improve home life.
But occasionally I get a few days every few months when the unhappiness seems to return in spades. I could even describe it as feeling in physical pain. During the last episode I made an appointment to return to the counsellor, but by the time I saw her, I felt OK again.. (She thinks my way of coping is sweeping it under the carpet and carrying on.) When I was at the appointment, I found it hard to remember how bad I actually felt.
She believes it is worth continuing the counselling. I am not sure for the sake of a few days' bad feeling every now and again it is, for fear of disrupting the boat that is family life.
Can anyone tell me how counselling helped them and if they ever felt at this sort of corssroads? I am in two minds whether to continue, and on good days wonder if I am just making a fuss about nothing.

I don't think you should brush things under the carpet, it won't get better like that.

Everyone's situation is different, but for me, a few days every month is quite a lot. Did your counseling help you get under the skin of what it is that makes you unhappy? It sounds like you went alone to counseling. Why was that, and not with your DH?

Helicopter, thank you for answering.

It's a few days every few months.
I went alone as I felt I needed the counselling to know how to speak to my DH in my own time and approach certain subjects.
The counselling allowed me to see that what I had been living with was unacceptable, and I was able to speak to my DH about it. He responded surprisingly well. In fact I wished I had done it years earlier.

I feel we have come to a better way of day-to-day living together, but I suppose I am not sure whether that's as good as it can get.

I think I come from the school of 'counselling is a bit too self indulgent at times', and so interested to know whether others have gained from it significantly over a prolonged period.

I think it's great. I go once a month or once a fortnight if any trauma occurs. It has been a lifeline for me as I need to burble and it's so good to have someone listen and give a steer. But then MN is good for that also....

I don't think your question should be has counselling helped, so much as how have you helped yourself!

Counsellors don't have a magic wand; any changes you make have to come from you as a result of greater self-awareness.

You sound as if you are waiting for counselling/the counsellor to make changes to your marriage which you are afraid to make yourself, on your own.

You have to ask yourself if you have simply increased your tolerance levels through counselling, and that every now and then you get a sharp reminder that there is still a way to go.

Maybe we could help more if you told us what the problems were and how far they have been resolved.

I don't think anyone's experiences will help- I had 4 sessions of counselling and it didn't help at all. My friend had 5 years and it changed her life.

Sometimes these dark moods are horomonal. Try tracing them along with your cycle. Up your exercise, your B vitamins, your magnesium, your exposure to sunlight.

I'd say..Try some CBT so that you have tools to take away with you to work on the negative thinking when it happens.

When you get down, can you write about how you feel? I don't mean in a considered 'Dear Diary' way, more in an outpouring of anger, pain and fear way. It doesn't have to be grammatical or even make sense, but if you can do that, then bring those notes to counselling. It will help you to remember and your counsellor to help you get to the route of your problems.

I like Dione's advice. If you're used to 'getting on with it' (and ignoring bad feelings), you might need to get into the swing of letting it all out on paper; I'd recommend making it a habit. I have chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS), which is an absolute bastard and is 90% certain to be the result of hiding from my underlying ishoos. It started with feeling unbelievably tired for a few days every month. At its worst - which lasted for nearly 5 years - I was in constant pain and couldn't walk 200 yards without collapsing. Don't follow my example.

If you like your current counsellor, then please do give her a better chance by developing a habit of recognising how you feel about stuff. Dione's idea should help with that. I also found it helpful to start reading proper psychology books (as your counsellor for a recommendation) so I could understand the process and know what it's supposed to achieve.

Good luck with it :)

Thank you for your replies.
The writing down is good advice. About a year ago before all this came to a head I went through a phase of not being able to sleep and once wrote all my anxiety down in the middle of the night. Getting that far in seeing what was in my head then took me to the next stage of getting in touch with the counsellor. I think I need to do that again when I hit a bad patch.

PP - I have helped myself hugely in the last year. I have got very fit, I take care of my appearance, I am involved in lots of interests and have lots of friends which means that 90% of the time I am perfectly content. The problem is the underlying 'sadness' which sticks its head up every now and again. I am not sure whether it is simply 'part of life' and I need to learn a way to handle it, or whether it requires deeper questioning with the help of a therapist.