oh shit

[igetmorelovefromthecat]

typing with 1 hand as have baby on knee.

dp walked out today. we have a dd age 12 weeks and i also have a dd age 6 (not his). i got pg with the baby really soon into our relationship, and as soon as i did he went off sex and any kind of physical contact. he started sleeping on the sofa as he snores reaaly badly and being pg and knackered i didn't mind.

i tried not to worry about him not wanting sex while i was pg as i know lots of blokes don't, but it hurt that he would not even cuddle me or rub my back. i thought maybe it would pick up after dd born but it hasn't. we have had sex twice since the birth but i pretty much forced him into it, he couldn't even get it up properly and it was about 5 mins so not exactly satisfying. he still sleeps on the sofa. i really miss having a physical relationship. i feel like i am just a mother to his child and not his girlfriend.

every now and again i have got in a massive strop about it and told him how i feel but nothing changes. we had one of these arguments on friday night, he refused to talk about it and i just lost it with him and told him we might as well not be in a relationship because it doesn't feel like we are. he didn't seem to have anything to say so i childishly changed my relationship status on facebook to just no relationship (didn't put that i was single).

yesterday he didn't talk to me at all (i was out all day with the kids and didn't get back till late last night).

this morning i get up and go to use the computer, he has changed the password so i can't get on (typing on my laptop with half a screen). then he gets up and says he had a bus to catch, and leaves. i asked him when he was coming back and he said when he has found somewhere else to stay.

i am gutted as all i wanted was to try and get this issue sorted out. i can't take feeling rejected any more, it kills me that he won't even give me a hug. but now i am completely in the shit, i am living in a rented house and there's no way i can afford to stay here without him, we have only been here 3 months. i didn't take maternity leave as i couldn't afford to, i run my own business, but i rely on him to look after dd2 while i am working so now i can't work. also he does most of the cleaning and housework, and dog walking as he doesn't work so now i am lumbered with that. i was feeling a bit overwhelmed anyway, touch of the baby blues i think, and i just can't cope with anything else right now.

sent him a text saying that i love him and all i am asking for is a bit of affection once in a while but had no reply. no idea where he has gone. what shall i do?

I am so sorry. Don't have a lot of advice but wanted you to know that someone had read your post.

All I can suggest is hat you should go to the CAB and ask about benefits and your legal rigts for maintenance from him; it is his child.

Have you got any family nearby? What about your health visitor? You need toask for help.

Have you heard of Home Start? The can send someone to help you and look after the baby while you get on with a few chores, or help you out at home for a bit. Google them and phone them.

He oviously has issues and is behaving like a teenager. can i ask how old?

You may not see this now but it sounds as if you are better off without him. If he comes back you sould suggest counselling to try to get your relationship back on track.

Focus on looking after yourself and your kids and getting the finances sorted.

Sorry but it sounds like it would be better to forget him , behaving like this to someone with a 12 week old baby ?

As pp says speak to your health visitor my cousin has been through this and theres lots of help available to you.

I expect you are feeling overwhelmed but you will get through with support.

you now need to focus on you and your children, i will never forgive my h for letting me miss out on some of those precious first months with ds2 (i was fighting for our relationship) you will never get this time back. do what you need to do to get yourself sorted with finances and once you have that in place concentrate on yourself and your children. you cannot control him (he may come back or he may not) but you can control how you react and deal with this.

best of luck, so sorry you find yourself here, but keep posting as many of us have walked this walk and will offer advice and give support when we can.

so sorry to hear this - it must be a very tough time & having a young baby makes it all the more difficult.

He is completely selfish and irresponsible! Why could he not be a man and talk to you about how he felt before? He has been biding his time and now will leave you in the lurch because he clearly cant step up and act like an adult.

You mustnt beat yourself up about this - its not your fault and he is clearly all about number 1.

He will have to help you/the baby financially in any case, so dont worry too much about that side of things. He has a legal responsibility and so needs to help provide for his baby too. He cant just run away.

Phone the CAB and also take a look at the Child Support Agency site for info on child maintenance etc: www.csa.gov.uk

Keep strong and get in touch with family/friends for RL support. You have nothing to be ashamed of and Im sure they will all be happy to help in whatever way they can.

xxx

Poor you, poor, poor you! What a complete arse!

This IS his failing and not yours, don't you ever forget that?

Great advice to speak to CAB, you need as much help as possible.

Long story short? best you find out now that he's an arse.
I wish you all the best.

Thanks for the replies...I still don't know where he has gone. His phone was off all day yesterday and I tried him this morning and it rang but he hung up after a couple of rings so I guess I am still in the bad books.

It's something we fall out about a lot, so I think what he is doing is making me panic so much that when he comes back I will be really grateful and not bring the subject up again in case he does a runner and leaves me in the lurch again.

Feeling OK, not really had time to stress about it too much with 2 kids including a small demanding baby, 2 dogs and a full time job. I know it is him who is being an arse, I felt so panicked yesterday but you know what, I've been through worse and life will go on, albeit a bit (lot) more difficult than before. If he comes back and decides to behave like an adult we'll talk, otherwise he can flounce off again.

sorry to hear this. it sounds like he might have someone else. sorry

do you think its possible?

No I am 100% sure he doesn't as we are generally together all the time. Also he has Aspergers and just doesn't see sex in the same way that most people do, he has only had about 5 girlfriends in his life (he is 42), and prior to us getting together he had not slept with anyone for 18 months. Also he is a romany gypsy and infidelity is a real no no in their culture, he has always got really angry about people that cheat.

5 girlfriends is not a small number.
He does have a legal duty to support your child, but if he is not working/has no money I don't think that the money you get for your child will amount to much.

All you can do is wait-maybe he'll come back.
But do you really want a man who can abandon a 3-month-old baby back?
It is very feckless of him to leave. Hope things work out for you.

No decent bloke abandons a small baby like that-no matter what the relationship is with the mother of the baby. It demonstrates issues with commitment and a supreme lack of duty and responsibility.