Cleanliness - magical healing powers?! Mum relationship..

[LessonsinL]

Have namechanged so am not a troll

My father was diagnosed with a serious illness last year and has been undergoing treatment. My mother's response is for me to come home and "help", when what she means is "tidy the house" (and has said as such). The family home has always been a bit of a sty as neither my dad nor my mum have much interest in cleaning but place a lot of importance on having a tidy house (you can see the tension if the house is therefore always untidy!).

I am torn between telling her to shove off and that I'm not the maid, and just avoiding the house altogether. I work, and when I'm not working, I'm at university studying full-time for a vocational degree, and when I'm not doing that, I'm at prep groups or maybe even having a cup of tea. Before my dad was diagnosed, she would send me e-mails wanting me to spend 2 hours tidying the house a day - I flat out refused.

I suppose the main issue is that I don't want to sit down and tidy someone else's room for hours when I know it won't be kept tidy (and usually get unwell as the dust usually knocks me out - delicate lungs!) but neither do I want to be a total and under complete bitch and piss over her coping strategy. I can't work out if I'm being autistically practical in thinking "well clearing the house isn't going to heal him" or just going through a late teenager rebellion!

I should probably add that I love my mum very much and do support her in lots of other ways and am not adverse to hard-core cleaning - I just resent equating cleanliness to love and support and I know she is very manipulative... but she is also going through a difficult time - as are we all!

Any and all advice would be helpful, as would observations :)

Is it remotely feasible to hire someone else to do some cleaning? Or is it your time/attention she wants rather than the house to be cleaner and tidier?
I don't think it's at all reasonable that you should be expected to devote two hours a day to cleaning your parents' house when you don't live there BTW.

She's emotionally blackmailing you. You are not a maid and you are not her maid.

Perhaps suggest she de clutters and tidies up then you might send an agency in for a one off clean IF she's prepared to keep on top of it otherwise there is no point.

No Normal size house needs 2 hours a day cleaning! Is she the Queen?

If she is physically unable to clean, then I would say that "helping" would mean helping her to arrange a cleaner, or helping her contact social services to see if they can provide some support. If she is capable of cleaning, then she should just get on and do it. I might offer to pop round to help with anything "heavy" like moving furniture to get behind it, or taking down/putting up curtains, but certainly not to take over cleaning their house for them.

I think if you live there, which sounds like you do.... then you should be doing your fair share and maybe a bit more to support your parents at this difficult time.

DOMB, I do my fair share (and a bit more), the level of cleaning she means is clearing everything out of each room. I literally don't have the time or the inclination to devote a whole day to moving everything out of the spare room, only to have it all moved back in again and in an utter state in a few days time.

I agree. It sounds like she wants you to 'declutter' the place, not clean. I was thinking more of the day to day duties of washing, hoovering, dusting, and bathroom etc but if someone has too many possessions than even this can be difficult.

Do you think she's overwhelmed by it all? Or just lazy?

Overwhelmed. Not lazy.

maybe you could help her to plan the clearing out?

it's not in any way fair for you to do it.
you could help her get started, and arrange to return in a weeks time, and let her know that she needs to keep to her side of the bargain too!

ss would be very unlikely to provide such support tbh.

i hope your Dad's treatment is a success :)

Goodness, as you point out in your OP, lot's going on here.

Hmmm. Well, when I was in my final year at university, my dm went into hospital, and I went home and helped out. And, boy oh boy, do I regret it now. Mainly because I know now, and knew then, that I was falling for the implicit assumption that it is a daughter's role to drop everything, and help out.

There is so much embedded in that, not least the whole "love-work", female thing. It's hard to untangle, because some of it is good, and nurturing, and some of it is so, so bad (women have no lives of their own, and should drop everything for others).

I have also gone round and done a day's cleaning at a friend's place, when she was having a rough time. I feel OK about that, because it was only a day, and I was quite aware of my reasons for doing it. In a way, it was more symbolic than truly practical (how much cleaning can you do in one day?), so the point was to demonstrate care. And it was limited (just one day), and we were both, very clearly, on the same page, ie. my friend really wasn't going to be cross about lack of on-going cleaning, etc.

So, thinking about your situation, I really don't think you can make an on-going commitment. It's not feasible. You could do what I did, and do a, symbolic, day - but will it be recognised for what it is, and accepted positively?

I also really do hear what you're saying about resenting the equating of cleaning with love. There's a potentially sexist subtext there, that you may be trying to avoid (rightly). On the other hand, nurturing is devalued (and how) but, damn, we all know how important it is, and it shouldn't be devalued. And it is devalued (and rendered invisible) as "women's work". And here you are, in a situation where it is clear how much value it has, binding love, and life, and the practical, and the emotional.

So, a question: do you have brothers? Have they been asked?

I think with your dad's illness coming to light her anxiety will be even higher.

Could you give up a weekend as a one off to help her have a big clear out? Or do as i do with my husband and children and just get rid of things when they aren't around? They have so much stuff that they rarely notice!

Once she sees how lovely and clear and clean it can look, then she may be inspired to keep it up and carry on herself. She probably has no idea where to start and since hoarding is a reaction to emotional state of mind, you will find it easier to decide what needs to be chucked.

Do you think your dad's illness has maybe been a bit of a "wake-up" call for her about the state of the place? My parents have recently done a lot of tidying/sorting of things for a similar reason (though its them doing it not asking me!)

If you think you could get her to actually get rid of stuff, instead of just moving it between rooms, it might possibly leave the place in a state she could keep normally clean without help.

animula , Sounds like we've been through the same thing! I do have brothers and I know they haven't been asked. I also know if they do something around the house that it is seen as a massive celebration, whilst if I do the same, it is "expected".

I have e-mailed my mother and said that I will be giving up my Wednesday, and exactly what I will be doing on that Wednesday. Whether or not this will be taken as an aggressive stance (i.e. "this is ALL the cleaning that I will ever be doing!") or will be taken for what it is ("I don't want to be your maid but I am willing to help") remains to be seen.

I will have to take a few bin liners with me to dump things in, should I warn her I am clearing or not?!

Do you fairly contribute to the household? Do you pay for your accommodation and board? How much housework/shopping/laundry do you do already?

They need a strategy/roster/timetable for cleaning so that they it nice once you've blitzed, as it sounds like you've done that on several occasions already.

Could they bear to get rid of things?

Not going to comment on that, captainnancy, I don't feel it's that relevant and if I reveal any more, people are going to know who I am! :D

Timetable wouldn't work, a big part of the problem is that they don't clear up after themselves so the person who does finally clean is left with a big pile of mess. If I suggest that one employs a "clean as you go" strategy, this is met with real aggression and usually turns into an argument about something else.

To be totally honest, I've developed a real avoidance strategy as it's just not worth the upset shouting, the screaming and the physical violence.

I'm gathering from you OP you don't live with your parents?

I think this is fraught with difficulty. There are two discourses-of-love, at least, embedded in this, and they are in conflict.

The feminist in me argues for non-capitulation, the liberal suggests compromise. I think, given the situation, and the age of your parents (ie. they're unlikely to change, even if you go around with a bin-bag, attempting consciousness-raising as you chuck stuff out), the liberal wins.

I guess one way to go is to do the one-off day, and be nice, while deliberately not-thinking about the way your actions are being interpreted. But simultaneously, try and get your brothers involved, with a long-term strategy. (And, of course, why on earth should it be your job to do that? But ...)

You're going to have to make it clear you really can't commit to cleaning for them. It's not feasible. Your perception is quite right. You're not unreasonable. And there is a whole jury-of-your-peers out here agreeing you're not unreasonable.

Btw, as a sanity-preserving exercise, there's a thread in the "Feminism" topic on women's work, with a link to a manifesto on housework by the Redstocking's Collective. If you can find it, read it. Sometimes having the stuff that's niggling away at you expressed in clear terms, and a precise discourse, can really help.

There's something about articulation, that means "public", "shared", and "real", that can be enormously helpful.

Even if it doesn't help with the immediate bin-bag issue.

the screaming and the physical violence

This sounds disturbing. Could you say a bit more ?

LessonsinL not sure if you have realised but you seem to have posted this thread on AIBU at the same time. I have posted my response on AIBU, but don't know how to copy it from one thread to another....

In brief, maybe your mum has an obsessive / compulsive disorder (hoarding) which has got worse because of the anxiety over your dad.

Do you think your mum would acknowledge this and do you think she would seek help from her GP?

Updates - she got in a cleaner and seems to be doing a lot better. I have stepped up on my contributions in the house, but hope I've found a happy medium between "helping" and "unpaid slavery".

Thanks to all who offered advice.