We've just agreed to separate. Feeling v low.

[drippingwithbloodandbraingoo]

So last night we agreed to separate for 3 weeks, to start with, and then see how we go from there.

I'm just feeling so low and sad. Sad that the marriage I'd hoped for just hasn't worked out. Guilty that I've failed my beautiful dds, as they won't grow up with their parents being together. Guilty about letting down all my family and friends, everyone thinks we have a perfect life together. And god I'm so so scared about the future on my own. Especially financially, my financial future is all tied up with dh. Oh god

The reason for us deciding to spend some time apart (I'm not saying divorce, not yet anyway, that feels too scary and final) is that we just don't get on, argue all the time, have probably stopped respecting each other, not sure if we want to be together.

I haven't started this thread for counselling on my relationship - we may or may not save it ourselves, I just don't know. I'm just feeling v unhappy and scared and alone and I just wanted to tell someone could someone please tell me everything will be ok

It will be OK. Whether you divorce or not, it will eventually feel much much better than this.
Your children will be fine. You will be fine. Your Ex will be fine. Guilt is not helpful right now and you certainly don't need to be wrrying about friends and family. Worry about yourself and your children (because I kno that you can't not) but never about the expectations of other people.

It sounds like you've both (you and husband)made some considered and sensible decisions for the best of reasons. If you carry on like that then, whatever the outcome, you will have done the best for yourselves and your children.

Thank you tippy.

Having such a surreal day, making roast lunch for us all, while he tidies up garden before he leaves tomorrow. Not arguing, not even unpleasant atmosphere. Just quiet and resigned and trying to be normal in front of dds. Apart from I can't stop crying, though I'm pretending to them it's a cold.

Will the girls really be fine? I wanted their lives to be perfect and I'm failing them already

There are lots and lots of children whose experience of separation - and divorce if it comes to that - are OK. My parents divorced when I was about 19. It's fine. They had a few problems, but are now very amicable, & we can all the divorce as a positive step.

Just keep doing what you are doing - put the kids needs first & get yourself help to manage the process as well as possible.

Some mates of ours - having separated/decided to divorce/moved back into together/separated again have just decided to try again. I wish them luck, but tbh I think they partly can't deal with the idea of being divorced - the shame is just too much. Don't let the worries of what might happen get in the way of making the right decision for you, your dh and your dds - whatever that decision is.

Their lives will be perfect, you know why? Because although they will have a mum and dad who aren't together, they will have a mum and dad who aren't constantly arguing, who don't respect each other, and who aren't teaching them that it is okay to be in a relationship like this one.

Good luck, and stop worrying about letting other people down - you only need to worry about letting yourself and your children down, and the only way you could do that right now is by staying in a relationship you are obviously unhappy with. You all deserve more than that.

they won't

Well I don't know the situation but as the child of a divorce, and a super-messy one, I am OK. Struggling on . My DD is fine and I'm single now. It's not the ideal you wanted for them I imagine but it's better than a lifetime of unhappiness and resentment for their parents.

I know you feel you've failed them and I feel the same. But there are some things and some feelings (or lack of) you can't plan for and sometimes I think we have to just do the best we can and be happy nwith that. Work on having the most produtive, positive separation ever and if it comes to divorce then the most amicable, mature and considerate divorce. You may not manage exactly that but they're good goals .

Sorry fr typos, balancing laptop on one knee.

Yes, your girls will be fine - I remember my siblings and I being so relieved when our parents separated - it was a like a veil of anxiousness had been lifted over the whole household.
Take it one day at a time, you might feel a weight off your shoulders tomorrow, and it is a change, any change will take a while to adjust to.
In 3 weeks you might be feeling that a separation is the best thing or you might think that your issues are worth working through and resolving.
Best of luck tomorrow. Take Care of yourself.

You will be fine.

A negative environment in which you are arguing and being disrespectful will eventually lead to meltdown. That will be a terrible place for all of you to be.

Hard as it seems now, you are doing the right thing to move away from something that just isn't working. Take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself. You haven't failed. It takes a strong person to admit defeat and change direction. People often stay in situations through fear. Not you, you are bigger and better than that. Good luck. All will be fine.

x

Thanks so much everyone. This is giving me more strength to get through the day and see what tomorrow etc has in store. I'm still feeling v v low and emotional though I guess that's to be expected

Dh and I aren't unreasonable people, there's no abuse in our relationship, I'm confident we could get on ok and co-parent well if we were apart.

I'll post again tomorrow. Thanks again you're really helping me

Poor you

Am sure you know this, but its fine to be feeling so low and sad. It will get better in time, but its all going to be a bit wobbly for a while.

Please try not to give yourself a hard time thinking you have let others down. Forgive yourself. You know why it came to this, and you havent made the decision lightly. If you stayed in a destructive relationship, that would have a huge impact on your DDs lives - both now and in the future. Its a miserable life for children whose parents argue constantly, believe me.

Your comment 'I'm confident we could get on ok and co-parent well if we were apart' says everything. When it all feels too much, keep re-reading that.

You take care.

Dripping, my dp moved out just over a week ago.

No fighting/abuse here either, simply didn't see eye to eye on too many things to live together anymore.

The first few days were just horrible for both of us, I was fine when he wasn't here, but when he came up to see ds or pick something up I would be in tears when he was leaving, but I still knew it was the right thing to do.

Its only been a week for me, but im starting to get into my own routine and am relishing little things that I missed.

We're still hoping to salvage a relationship, just not living together, but we'll see how that goes.

Once you get over the initial shock of whats happening (honestly you will), you will start to see the wood for the trees and why you are seperating, just be prepared to be a total emotional wreck for the next few days!

I posted on another board on here, but it really helped.

What's happening Dripping?

Are you okay?

Dripping - I hope you are holding up OK. It's a horrible thing to go through, but whatever happens in the long run, you will feel better than you do right now. Chin up chicken!

Hello, thank you for thinking of me.

As things stand at the moment, dh has gone to prague on business for 10 days. Our plan had been that when he returns, I'd take the dds to my parents for a couple of weeks. Then we'll meet to discuss how to take things forward, sort out where he should move to etc if that's what it comes to.

However

He rang a couple of times yesterday and once already this morning. We haven't really discussed our relationship, but we have both said we love each other several times. He also said he doesn't want me to go to my parents when he gets back. He?s just texted to ask what present can he get me.

I do love him, and I don't think I want our marriage to end. But our relationship has stopped working. Oh I don?t know, I?m still thinking things through, trying to work out what to do for the best. It would be easy to go into denial, tell myself things aren't really that bad, then find myself in the same situation in 6 months time.

I told my sister everything, which helped a lot. She suggested relationship counselling. Has anyone had any experience of this?

I think, if you feel you could 'get on & parent together if you weren't living together' and you still love him (I presume you do from what you have said) and there isn't any abuse/violence - then you should try to work through it - maybe getting this close to a 'trial separation' will wake you both up to what you could lose.

Trial separations occasionally work, but I think they are a bad idea as it gives you enough taste of freedom/lack of daily stress, to make it seem like a good idea to split up - but not enough of the reality to get the 'bad' side of it. I wouldn't advise it myself.

Counselling - it's good if you need help to work through things, but it can be quite 'revealing' and may end up highlighting problems etc - so yes, I guess you can say 'it works', but you may not end up where you want to (iykwim). Getting the right counsellor is important too - someone you both like & trust (to be 'fair' - not take sides) - just be careful, some of them seem to have an agenda and can drag you along, rather than really being impartial.

I really, really hope you can work it out, you both seem to still love each other... x

Hi Dripping

I've been in a similar situation myself recently. My DH and I decided so separate then had a dramatic change of hearts.

Things are going ok at the moment. He's making a REAL effort and I love him for it. It does still feel strange and temporary but time will tell. I hope and pray that it will work but if it doesn't at least I will know we've tried everything.

It's so hard, if you're anything like us you'll be absolutely fine until a contentious issue arises. At times of happiness I love him and couldn't imagine ever being without him but at times when we argue I can see that all our lives would be better apart. I guess it's just a tipping scale...

TrappedinSuburbia - I'm really interested in your relationship... how does tnhat work? So you're still married and still "date" but you no longer live together? Does it work well? What are the pitfalls? Do you have children? Sorry for all the questions, it just really struck a chord with me and I wonder why more people don't do it...

Well Vixen1, for me personally so far there aren't many pitfalls, I have less money, but I didn't have much money anyway, as if dp had £100 he would spend the £100 iyswim.

I have a ds (5) who is not dp's but has been there since before he was a year old, dp see's him almost everyday.

I have a dss (dp's) who has moved out with dp but still stays with me 2 nights a week for practical reasons.

Life is much less stressful, I am really much more calmer and happy. I really think living together is overrated!

However, dp and dss are living with dp's mum just now, whilst she has a big enough house, dp is desperate to find somewhere permanent for him and his son. Dp is also more traditional in that he is having trouble getting his head round us not living together.

I honestly don't know if our relationship will survive this, not from my side but from dp's. I don't know if he will quite see the benefits the same way as I do, as he has lost his 'housekeeper' and will have to do all that stuff himself now. I have lost being treated like a skivvy and am not taken for granted (as much) anymore.

Vixen1 and TrappedinSuburbia it's good to hear you have found solutions that are going well so far. I really hope things continue to work out.

"It's so hard, if you're anything like us you'll be absolutely fine until a contentious issue arises. At times of happiness I love him and couldn't imagine ever being without him but at times when we argue I can see that all our lives would be better apart. I guess it's just a tipping scale" ... Vixen1 you completely summed up my situation here.

It would be so easy to get carried away with a 'honeymoon' period of harmony and affection only for it to wear off, either gradually, or as you say, if a particularly contentious issue arises. Which it will, sooner or later.

ChippingIn thank you for your advice. I take your point re trial separations and counselling. Dh and I are each now focusing on thinking, and remaining in contact, for the short term. He'll be back in a week or so and we'll talk then

Thanks again everyone

Let us know how it goes... fingers crossed for you

Hello, I'm back with an update, and hope at least some of you who so kindly posted will see this.

Well we're still together. We had 10 days apart while dh was away with work and since he came back we've established that neither of us want our marriage to end and we've been getting on ok.

I think coming so close to parting really frightened us both into realising what we might lose.

We haven't had a Big Talk as there remain issues - mainly around certain behaviours that irritate us about each other - that we've yet to resolve and I think we both want to avoid descending again into big row territory. We still bicker a bit. But we make occasional references to what happened last month, and I've noticed that we've both started to make little changes and compromises that will hopefully stick.

So anyway that's where we are right now

Hi there dripping. I have just read your thread with interest as I think I am in the same situation that you were in when you posted. My DH has said he would like us to have a break for a couple of weeks.
I am feeling terrible and wondered how you are getting along now all these weeks down the line?