exh out of hospital

[ItWasADarkAndStormyNight]

Oh god, exh is an alcoholic and was rushed to hospital last night throwing up blood. It's the second time its happened, last time was two years ago. He is at mine asleep now.
I was on the phone to my mum in tears last night as he'd taken food from here claiming poverty then I'd found out he'd spent all night at the pub. I get a text from him this morning telling me he's in hospital. I'd made my mind up to let him get on with it and not to waste any more heartache on him. Then this, I told him to come here as his flat has no heating and is damp, it was my first response without thinking.
Spoken to my mum again and she's furious with me for having him here. He hasn't helped me when I needed him, he leaves me to get on with it but I couldn't do that to anyone.
He's been told if he doesn't stop drinking he will die. Soon.
Now my mum isn't speaking to me and he's here asleep. I don't know what to do, everythings such a mess.

Your mum will get over it.

I think you are being incredibly charitable, considering everything that you must have been through, but you do need to look after yourself too.

You don't have to have him there for long. Let him get a good sleep, feed him and then send him home.

You can't be the one that picks up the pieces all the time - he has to take responsibility for himself and if you want to help you need to make it clear that although you are willing to help him, you can't unless he helps himeself. he needs to demonstrate to you his commitment to getting better before you take on too much with him.

Your mum is just looking out for you. She knows how much he has put you through and is probably feeling that you need to be stronger in order to avoid going through more hurt - she will get over this, but I think you need to show her that you won't let him take advantage of you.

Good luck. You sound like a really good person but please please put yourself first!

well, the fact is he is dying so as long as it doesn't cause any problems for you or your kids you should follow your conscience.

Your ExH is an exH for good reason and I think your Mum has a point.

You are not his mother and you do not have to take care of him; he is also not your project for you to try and rescue and or save. You need to kerb that rescuing/saving instinct. Sorry if that sounds harsh (and it is) but you need to see this for what it really is. He is taking advantage and what is sad here is you're allowing him to do so. Enabling him as you are doing only gives you a false sense of control and certainly does not help him; you are shielding him from the consequences of his actions. Alcoholics can be truly the most selfish people going.

There are often elements of co-dependency within such relationships and I would urge you also to read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie. I would also suggest you contact Al-anon as they could help you as well.

When he wakes up, tell him to leave your home.

Does he have any family you could contact?

I assume he's the father of your DCs. As much as your mum is right that he's not your responsiblity, he is still part of your DCs family. I would say, get him as much help as you can - I'm sure there's others who'll be along with good advice on who to contact to make sure he's got the best help he can get.

He says he will be going to the doctors on Monday to stop drinking, my mum points out he has said this before but I do hope this will shock him enough to stop. They've told him he will die if he doesn't stop, I hope he will but I can't make him. Your probably right and I am enabling him, but I want him to stop and ds to have a dad worth knowing. I've told him this is the last time he stays at mine, I just hope he stops.
His dad dropped him off here, he won't take him in.
He's still asleep, will be all day I imagine. If anything happened to him I just feel like it would be my responsibility still. I just want him to stop, he's going to die otherwise.
I haven't read that book, are there any online resources?

Itwas

There are resources about co-dependency online.

Not "probably", you are enabling him and enabling helps no-one at all. It only gives you a false sense of control and certainly does not help him. You want to help him - if you want to help him you completely back off and stop taking responsibility for him.
You must follow through as well - if you have told him that this is the last time he stays at yours then you must stick with it.

You need to read that book because what is happening here is not at all healthy and this will affect both you and your child to your respective detriments.

You need to emotionally detach and this is where Al-anon can help - you need to call them as well. Seeing all this is not doing your child any favours either.

Unless you have spoken with the docs themselves I would take ANYTHING that he says with a big pinch of salt. Do not be sucked in further to his world, he will quite happily drag you and your child down with him.

You are NOT repeat NOT responsible for him. He has made his own choices here. I note too that his own father dropped him off at yours, that also speaks volumes.

How many times have you heard him say before that he will go to the docs to stop drinking?. It may be yet another empty promise to you.

For how many years are you prepared to do this?

Think carefully. By always stepping in to take care of him, you are providing a service that will be taken for granted by NHS and social services.

You are reinforcing the message that you will always take responsibility for him, therefore he has no incentive to change.

I have a lot of (professional) experience of alcoholism.

You would be amazed at how long "dying" alcoholics can live.

Looked at co-dependency, recognised myself can't afford that book at the moment but I am going to be firmer.
I am moving and have told him that in my new place he cannot stay no matter what the reason, ever.
My mum is still furious with me, exh is very similar to my dad and she wants better. I can understand that, I do too. He is still here, been asleep all day. I'll give him something to eat then send him on his way.
Can see I'm just making it worse, I really hope this is the wake up call for him, his body can't cope.

Sounds like your mum is really furious with herself. After all, if your dad was like this, then they are the ones to have given you the blueprint for this sort of relationship.

May be a bit of that. He's finally gone home.
What an awful day.