DH is ill and finding it tough

[littletinkers]

My DH has a serious illness that in recent years has massively affected his ability to perform sexually as well as his sex drive. We have had sex once the last year and maybe once the year before that. I keep on saying we need to do something about this - prioritise intimacy when he is feeling okay. But nothing ever happens. Tired of being the only one who seems to have sexual and physical needs. It's more than the sex he doesn't seem to need intimacy and will just go and read the newspaper or a book rather than cuddle up. Certainly he never initiates anything. Have started to find particularly athletic men really attractive - I myself have a high sex drive. I love him and don't mind in principle not having a sex life but the reality is difficult - when your body takes over and you start finding other men attractive. Have started to feel a bit like his sister.

That sounds really tough.

Is there any prospect of his illness improving?

Very little. It's a long term condition which he had when we met - sex was never the best part of our relationship - but just got so much worse over the years. He always works long hours and comes home tired out. I don't begrudge the other ways I help him out -as he helps me out in many ways too - but the sex thing is a real issue.

I think the lack of physical intimacy is a really awful thing to live with, but maybe he finds it easier just not to get into that whole area. I don't think it's right to choose that unilaterally though.

Is there a support group for his illness with a helpline? Not much help perhaps because even if there were hope with treatments or something, he would have to be motivated.

What does he say when you bring it up, if you do?

He puts the problem down to his condition - but I think there is an emotional/psychological element too - think it is affecting his view of himself as a man and he avoids something he feel he may fail at. He has a similar approach with DIY! ie it makes him feel useless. What he does instead is throw himself into a high-status career, or books and newspapers and that boosts his self-esteem, doing something that he is good at. I think we probably need to go to couple's counselling in fact as we just keep on having the same conversation about how he is going to make this a priority and nothing ever changes.

I'd agree that couples counselling sounds essential here. I think I would try to get him to research and book it (otherwise he sounds unlikely to commit to it, plus it gives him some control over it), but you are somehow going to have to get it across to him that the status quo means that you are miserable; that you want to avoid imposing a solution on him which he might find unacceptable, but instead to try and move forward together. You might consider some sort of deadline - maybe that you want to have a counselling appointment booked before Christmas? Hope things look more positive soon.