is there any bugger who will just tell me i will be ok, without judging me too harshly.

[PirateScaredyCat]

I stopped an affair starting a few months ago.
I am single, he is married.

I have been a lonely person, yes. Have gone thru the mill with my ex dh and then dd's illness.

I enjoyed him caring about how i was doing.

I knew i shouldn't. I carried on responding to his texts, long after i should have. Everytime i tried to stop the contact, it just started up again. He kept saying he was confused and had fallen for me. Who the fuck doesn't want someone to fall for them, love them and care. Not me, yet I called time on the whole thing, after telling him it wasn't right in so many ways.

He loves his wife, he loves me. He loves his kids, he wants to keep his family together. I don't want him to break up his family. Something that started freindly, went somewhere that neither of us knew it would. I didn't plan it, it didn't even feel like a type of relationship as we really and honestly just mates to start with. Both having something missing in our lives.

Anyway, i am hurting, and i know it will get better but right now i feel like it will never stop. I have been thru worse, but nothing like this, so in it's own way it feels like rockbottom.

I felt almost suicidal the other day when i did this, something i had to be really brave to do, cos i knew it would hurt me. But also i knew i would have to trust it would be ok for everyone allround. He could never stop the contact with me and i kept getting dragged in.

Anyway, this 'thing' we had is over, but it's like some sort of come down for me and it hurts. Just want some support that i will ne ok. And maybe some tips as to how to take each day, i gues i am just reaching out.

perfumed it really does as you are no longer trying to force something that won't happen as well as doing without them. I am now in a place where I will always think of him and wonder how things might have been but I no longer allow him to hurt me.

i will read and re read this thread. I have trawled the web looking for people in a similar situation. I know it's contentious.(sp) Mumsnet has helped me as an outlet for yrs and i am glad i could write down my shit here.

I feel many things today.

One, which is a bit weird seeing as i was an active part in his deceit, is the feeling that i am so angry that she doesn't know anything about it. That he has done this to her. I really have lost respect for him.

I am so glad tho, that i am not in that place anymore, on a personal level, of being this fallback comfort. I will try not to be bothered to understand why he did this.

OP,
Don't also forget that you were very susceptible at that point in your life to falling for ANYONE (and not just someone properly available)who was offering attention, vitality and love.
I would not doubt that he got something from you too. The next time it will be so much better when you are both free to build on something like this properly. You have made the first step by breaking free from him, to finding that goal.

It just takes time PC, but you will feel better.

I totally totally get what you are saying about the feeling of meaning something to someone etc.
It hurts to go from that feeling, to nothing, but you will get past it.

One question. Have you made it so that he cannot contact you ??

It might be worthwhile doing that, because, as you know, I cut things off with the bloke I was having a fling with, and I was doing really well, until he txt and rang me at gone midnight the other night .
It put me right back for 24hrs.

It is fab that you have lost respect for him, and again, ikwym. My flings gf served me in Mac d's the other day and I thought god, there she is going about her life thinking everything is rosey, and really her bf is a lying cheating shit, and she has absolutly no idea.
It made me feel bad about myself, but it also made me think 'urgh, why on earth would I want to have anything to do with him'.

You will be fine though PC, just give yourself some time and move on slowly

The thing about married men is that they DO pursue, really, really hard, so you get completely swept off your feet and made to feel that they adore you more than any woman has ever been adored, ever. They are free to do this as they have a safety-net built in. They have a wife, they can't get away, they're already tied up. To use a car analogy, the hand-brake is firmly on in the relationship, so the married bloke is free to rev the engine as much as he likes, knowing the car won't actually move.

Unlike single blokes who take things slowly.

I think you'll be OK. What this relationship did was highlight your need to have a romantic relationship in your life. So, get one! Try online-dating, boost your social life, get a sociable part-time job, go speed-dating... All these things will help, I promise.

Remember and believe all the compliments Mr Married gave to you, use them to boost your confidence, then sail off to find someone new.

Yes really persued me. Very out of the blue.

Was very confused, both of us by these feelings. Almost like a regression, a freedom and excitement. Like my ex, when he started making the moves to get out of our relationship, he was looking for a difference to the norm. A boy looking for this youthful, non commital escape.

At least i know i can love and be loved again, its just been so bloody long. I have been very alone, without realising it, as your life and your child takes all your time and your emotions sometimes get overlooked.

ok, hold my hand.

I recieved a text from him earlier. I hadn't blocked him no, (as Mrs Morgan had asked earlier).

'hi how are you. I don't know what to do for the best, i feel so guilty and i am missing you like crazy. But i know if i keep contacting you this is not going to get any better. Please let me know what you think is best'

I replied, 'put it behind you, be true to your wife, it's just a fantasy'

this was the reply.

'ok thanks, hope you are ok? x'

jeeez fucks sake, pathetic.

i could't help myself i wrote back.

'why bother asking. Feel better now?'

i then blocked him, and i will stick to it.

It is the only way.

See that would be enough to totally put me off him! What a weak and selfish man.

i know very weak.

i have to see the funny side too. my text blocking didn't fecking work and i got a text saying 'glad you are feeling better'

becuase i think I omitted a '?' when i said

'feel better now', i was being sarcastic. ah the joy of text.

ffs

Well it's better that he thinks you feel better without the strain his attention is causing you. Text equivalent of a Freudian slip perhaps :-)

Well done in getting rid Pirate - I like what Beautiful wrote above about why married men chase so hard.

You just have to kick these married men into touch, do not respond to their flirting. Tell them firmly they should get themselves some therapy if they are feeling down/confused/like they are missing something - so they can learn to know themselves better and make the decision, should I stay or should I go, with a neutral confidant(e), not one with whom the boundaries are blurred.

Keep staying strong Pirate and look forward to your friends coming to stay.

If he texts again and it doesn't block just ignore - delete and carry on - keep remembering your the better person.

Pirate on a practical level I would strongly suggest you do something physical - it will help you get the serotonin boost you got from flirting with this man and give you some time and space just for you. Run, walk, doesn't matter what as long as you move. Seriously, you can't be heartbroken if you are out of breath!

i blitzed the garden today, leaves were everywhere i think i picked up every one. did 2 lots of washing.

thanks. x

Good. Busy is good. Now plan something for three months time - which by my reckoning is mid January - whether it's a holiday or just taking yourself for a haircut - you will by that point be over all this and you should celebrate.

If you can cut contact for a full 30 days I can guarantee you will feel much better about things. Three months to really put him out of your mind but 30 days to not obsessing :)

whomoved, you seem to have a very stringent plan daywise?

Yep. Based on experience. Try it. If I'm wrong in 91 days time you can call me an 'arse' with impunity

lol, oh i will!!

gotta thread you did that you could link me to? altho in the haze of threadyness I do seem to recall something.

Oh no....years ago.....

Not me said the pussycat, completely innocent.

is this one man worth all the angst and heartache ?

really ?

af, you came!

no, not in the long run. Just licking the wounds for now.

I get that impression, scaredy

best to keep this in the forefront of your mind though

this bloke was more than happy to deceive his wife, whilst talking absolute bollocks to you

no bloke is that good...his words are ashes , honestly

I get that you were flattered

he was in no position to give you that (sexual) flattery though, and you were in no position to revel in it

shame on you both

thankfully you have learned a lesson though

and rememeber also...the world is fucking full of men, you shouldn't need to move in on somebody else's

and he shouldn't have moved in on you

back to the thread title..

yes, you will be ok

if you accept you were played, and learn from it

however, if you continue to have your head turned by deceitful twats you have a problem

are you getting any help in recovering from the consequences of the stuff exH put you through ?

I am glad you came back again af. Me and dd just get on with it tbh, he doesn't see her anymore and i deal with that as and when, ie her getting very upset.

As for deceitful twats, i guess i was vulnerable emotionally, in that he was a friend who i shared my probs with when dd was ill in the summer. So it did start very normally, i had no idea it would develop.

I think each situation like this is unique in how it turns from mateyness to something else. It wasn't overnight for sure. It nearly did get to him leaving. Now he's trying again to work on his marriage.

I feel realy empowered by the fact i ended it now, and feel much more in control. I knew i would have to go down to go up, been there loads of times. I was feeling veery weak a few days ago, becuase i had cut off some sort of lifeline, a friendly and loving association. Something i don't have much of. ie my dad doesn't bother, dd's dad doesn't bother. But i have good friends, and give as much as i can to those friendships. I was too understanding and giving with mm, i triat that is sometimes hard for me to reign in.

I feel quite released now.!!