DH drinking... Please help

[AmberLilly]

I posted here back in February seeking advice on marital counselling after I had an affair and DH took me back. Got some really supportive messages so thank you

Im seeking more advice now and hope someone can help... Will try to be succinct!

DH has refused counselling and his drinking is a real problem for me - it was a big issue between us before the affair and has now, not surprisingly, escalated. I try to explain how much it upsets me but he says Im just trying to use it as a reason to blame him for the affair (Im not btw- I took full responsibility)

I understand that he's still hurting (affair was 18 months ago) but I dont know how much longer I can cope with him being drunk every night.

I've had another baby in June and I want us to stay together for the DCs and also, very selfishly, for me because I couldnt bear being away from them half the week.

Whenever rows get bad he throws the affair in my face and says I can f**k off and he'll keep the children and the house- Can he do this?

Such a mess. I love him so much but its like being married to two different people. How do I get him to stop drinking

Sorry its been a while, thank you to everyone who answered

Victorias- do you have children with your ex-partner? How did the split effect them?

I was promted to come back today because I found a bottle of vodka hidden behind the recycling bin this morning. Confronted DH and apparently he bought it on sunday when he went to get the morning papers and had been drinking throughout the day on sunday. My mind is reeling... trying to remember if he drove with the DCs etc.

Ive given him an ultimatum- he seeks help or we leave. Cant do this anymore.

Good luck Amber. I ended a relationship with an alcoholic and his is in a good place now. (no kids so it was much easier).

I completely agree with the ultimatum approach. Be very clear with him and yourself about what you ultimatum is. Be specific.

and then stick to it.

good luck. Its so hard and I admire your courage.

I haven't read the other posts but I am married to an alcoholic but I asked him to leave in August and we separated in September.

I spent 10 years trying to support him and get him to atleast reduce his drinking if not stop drinking altogether. He did not. In that time I spent all my energy on him and his problems and got nothing back. It is incredibly draining and 'a switch just flipped' in the summer, I just had enough.

Yes, you had an affair and that is not great but what does that tell you about your marriage and your need to seek affection/attention/sex elsewhere?

It is highly unlikely your husband would get residential custody of the children considering his drinking. It is highly unlikely you will lose your home. Please call Rights for/of Women or see a Divorce lawyer.

Judges rarely take children away from their mothers and are keen for children to have the stability of the family home. In your situation, if you cannot take on the mortgage, it can be made an Order of the Court that he be named on the mortgage until you can take it on.

In my own case, my children see their Dad one evening a week (he comes here and puts them to bed and I go out) and for a few hours on a Sunday, he does not have them over night as he drinks.

Also, I did the whole 'have a life of my own and it is not that bad' thing. Eventually you will want more i.e. a husband that is not drunk.

Good luck with everything. I am obviously of the opinion that I should have done this years ago as I have wasted at least 5 years on a drunk so am somewhat biased.

One of my closest friends was married to an alcoholic. He gave up drinking in the end; at which point he also decided to divorce her.