Am I asking too much? (Sorry it's so long)

[LittleBeck]

I'm 34 and married for 13 years, with 3 children.

My husband used to love me in a really demonstrative way, like I was very special. For years, even after we had children.

In the last couple of years, loads of difficult things have happened for us and I feel he has done and said some awful things to me. I have been gutted by this and we ended up having a period of terrible arguments. Now we are not arguing so much, but he appears to have really cooled towards me. I find it guttingly sad to contemplate not having that feeling of being so special to someone.

When I try to talk to him about it, it just seems to make matters worse. He thinks I am attacking him if I question something he has said that seems to reflect a changed attitude towards me.

I don't think he particularly wants to leave me - it would make life difficult and we still have adventurous and frequent sex and tbh he would find it difficult to cope domestically.

It's clear that his perspective has totally changed, as the other day he said to me "I can't promise that I'll be with you forever, I might fall in love with someone else, or one of us might get mentally ill".

This really shocked me because he always used to talk about how he could never leave me and I couldn't help making a comment about it, although I find that blanking things like that tends to make him behave more nicely towards me.

But I feel gutted - if I don't challenge him about it, I think I will end up having to disconnect from him to spare myself the pain of loving someone soo deeply, when I think they no longer love me so much. If I challenge him, we just have terrible arguments - and really if that's the way he feels, I can't see how arguing about it will help.

Long-term, I don't want to stay unless he reverts to loving me passionately (and seeming less interested in every other female that walks past). But I've got kids. Do I expect too much, to expect to feel loved by my partner?

You are not expecting too much although I think it has probably hit you harder because of how the relationship was previously Not many people have that sort of adoration and so when things cool they don't notice it so much.Maybe you need time to get over the problems of the last few years Does he know how hurt you feel and more importantly how great you used to feel?

No, of course it's not to much to want to be loved, and tbh I think it sounds as if he does still love you very much, but it might be too much to expect him to be quite the same person as he was atm. I don't know what the terrible things that happened were, but think they are at the root of this. He sounds shaken to his core by whatever it was. This can be quite shocking for people I think, and they may question everything they held to be certain before. Could he be depressed? Have you considered counselling? It sounds like you have far too much to lose to even contemplate giving up on this relationship.

maybe you should try some professional counselling?

Do you think he might be depressed?

Or perhaps suffering from a mid-life crisis?

You have my sympathies; it sounds miserable

tbh, and sorry to sound gloomy, but I think this is normal after being with someone for so lon. My mum once said to me that during the course of a marriage you don't stay 'in love' with your partner, you grow to love them. The first flush of love doesn't last and over time relationships change and evolve. It's upsetting that he has said hurtful things to you though so perhaps counselling might help with that

it may be that you just need a longer period of time to reach an equilibrium, post the arguments. I think he sounds frightened, frightened of the disintegration of things, but after time smoothes out things, you may well find it actually gets better. hope so.

compo - i agree with your mum.

I think you do stay in love with your partner I have been with dp 14 yrs and feel the same I think Littlebeck is right to tackle this and not just accept that things have cooled

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply so supportively to my thread. It has made me cry to get some sympathy on this (but in a nice way).

I understand that I am lucky in a way, in that I have had a lot of love from my partner in the past and it's not as if he has been unfaithful to me. I know a lot of women have a much worse time of things.

There are lots of things in the replies here that ring true to me. Really I'd like to have some relationship counselling, but he is absolutely adamant that he won't go - he is scared that this will mark the beginning of the end and sees it as an admission of failure. Even if I went alone, I think he would be offended and I really don't want to make things worse.

Compo, I understand where you are coming from - but I am a passionate person and the thought of having a relationship where all our passion is directed at other people just makes me feel sad. Maybe I'm less secure than you, but I'm only 34 and I still turn a few heads.

I will consider all the other things you have all said, because it's helping me to feel better, just getting some other perspectives.

But I'm hoping that maybe if I just try to be friendly and non-combative, things will settle back again - I think those who say we have been shaken by our recent history may well have a point. The phrase "mid-life crisis" rings a bit true as well, though.

Anyone had experience of a partner going through one of these? How does a wife deal with that, to maintain her sanity, self-respect and relationship?

It really does sound to me as if the terrible things that have happened to you have shaken your husband's sense of who he is and maybe left him feeling emasculated and helpless - hence his belief that he no longer directs his actions, that things might just 'happen' to him - eg either of you might get mentally ill. That belief is quite common in depression. It might also account for his belief that counselling would mean he is a failure.
I dont' think this is necessarily a permanent state of affairs, but he does sound sad and scared - just as much as you tbh. Could that be the case?
Is it possible to go to counselling alone? I think that might be a good idea, at least initially. Better than leaving the relationship, certainly!
How old are your children?

I agree with everyone here who says that depression could be at the root of your dh's increasing and disconcerting "detachedness".
I do know how family difficulties, especially sudden bereavement, can trigger depression and upsetting behaviour in someone formerly loving.
I really feel for you LittleBeck.

Hmm. I think I might look at some counselling, just for me. I wouldn't need to tell him about it, at least not initially.

I know this doesn't sound right, but in his world, this would be admitting weakness. He really is a head-buryer and very masculine in his attitude to communication and, especially, counselling.

me and my dp went to conselling and i can honestly say its the best thing we ever did we are more in love than ever and understand each other so much more. i had had a tramtic few years and the counselling was the start of a new me and a new life together. i hope you work your way through this

I can't thank you all enough for listening to me here

Kelli, how did your dh feel about counselling? Was he keen?

I ended up trying to open communication about stuff last night. It didn't go terribly, but it never goes the way I long for it to go - I feel a bit better because we didn't end up having an awful row, which is what usually happens if I try to discuss anything at all negative.

But he has a weird attitude that if he expresses his feelings, this somehow diminishes them/him.

For me, discussing stuff is very cathartic, but he just sees it as spoiling a good evening.

If we could have counselling together, maybe we could find ways of communicating that worked for both of us.

I suspect that if I keep from raising issues that are troubling me, over time they really might just disappear, because I think you lot may be right and he may just need time to recover from various problems that we have had to deal with. But the trouble is that I find it hard not to seek reassurance and a listening ear from him.

How did you persuade your dh to go to counselling, Kelli?

My goodness Littlebeck, this could have been me posting! I've been with my partner for several years, and he has always been an extremely loving and supportive partner, patient, generous, caring and so on and I have always felt incredibly loved and lucky. However, over the years various things have happened that have caused us to grow apart (a cliche I know, but so true!). We have still remained utterly loyal to one another, but arguments have meant that things have been said which I never thought would come out of his mouth. I am going through a period of feeling particularly insecure at the moment and I'm not sure whether circumstances have made me feel like this, or whether my insecurity means that I get things completely out of proportion. There are many things that he says that are still incredibly loving, but the other day, when we were discussing our relationship and I said that I felt insecure and sometimes frightened that we'll split due to the arguing, he basically said 'what will be will be', which sounds like a pretty similiar response to your dh! Don't get me wrong - he wasn't being nasty, but like your husband, it used to be apparent that we would never split up, and he could never love anybody else.

I'n not quite sure how this helps you, but just wanted to let you know that your'e not the only one.

we had just got to a point where neither of us were happy, we were always arguing and we both knew we didnt want to carry on being together if thats how life was going to be, basicly i wanted a baby and he wasnt ready (im now 39wks pg btw ) so i suggested counselling as id been before when id been in an abusive relationship, i think i still had some issues that we needed to deal with as a couple too, he needed to understand why i reacted the way i did sometimes etc anyway i said we either go to counselling or we end it now, for my dd's sake if nothing else neither of us wanted to end it or make dd unhappy so we both agreed to go and now we're stronger than ever and very very happy.

the bottom line is if hes not prepared to go to counselling then you have your answer right there because if he loves you and his family then he would do anything to save it, going to a room once a week to sort out your problems is not hardwork and i dont think its too much to ask. if hes not willing to put in the hard work then hes not worth anymore of your effort. hth

good luck

Could you try romancing him for a change? He may respond to being wooed.

Hey Countrylass, it is nice to share it, although, obviously, it would be nicer if you and dh were still as it used to be.

But I'm feeling a bit more positive about it today - I think discussing it somewhere else, rather than going round in circles with him, gave me a bit of perspective.