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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out DH has OW

25 replies

veryupsetpleasehelp · 15/10/2010 20:35

I split up from my husband a few months ago, but a reconciliation wasn't ruled out completely. We had still been in contact every day almost. I just got a voicemail, but when I listened he had called me accidentally and I could hear him talking to another woman. He had told me that he was going to his friend (male) for the weekend. I called him to ask him about it and he just said "pass" Angry.

I am so so upset and sitting here in tears - I am working away this weekend and I am in a hotel by myself and I cannot get out of work tomorrow. I am so upset he would move on so quickly Sad.

OP posts:
BarbaraSeville · 15/10/2010 20:38

I feel so sad for you. Do you think this woman was a factor in you splitting up?

Whattodo1 · 15/10/2010 20:39

Not sure what I can say to help, so sorry xx

londonartemis · 15/10/2010 20:40

Is it worth giving him another ring?

Altaira · 15/10/2010 20:40

So sorry Sad

It's the dishonesty and lack of respect thats so gutting.

It sounds like he wanted to keep his options open in case it didn't work out with OW.

At least you know now, sorry again.

Original poster
veryupsetpleasehelp · 15/10/2010 20:41

No it was me who instigated us splitting up as he had lied to me about a large sum of money. I am so confused - I don't want him, but I don't want him to have anyone else.
I don't know if I want to talk to him - I don't know what to do or think. It's so awful.

OP posts:
SeveredArmbow · 15/10/2010 20:43

pass? what a **&&@@@ !!! so angry for you

do you have children together?
whose idea was it to split?

Hassled · 15/10/2010 20:44

He just said "pass"? WTF sort of a response is that? I'm really sorry for what you're going through - you must be feeling like shit - but really, you're well shot. You deserve a hell of a lot better than this - everyone does.

londonartemis · 15/10/2010 20:44

Do you now think the sum of money was to do with the OW, or plans to break with you?

phipps · 15/10/2010 20:50

It isn't really fair to say he can't meet someone else just because you don't want him. He has been cruel saying pass but I think you both need to talk properly about whether your marriage is over or not. Don't torture yourself whether he met her before, it isn't helpful.

Original poster
veryupsetpleasehelp · 15/10/2010 20:51

No, no children thank goodness. We each have children from previous relationships but they have all left home now.
The money was because we were in debt in business (we also run a business together) - I don't know for certain but I doubt it was to do with the OW. I don't even know for certian if he was with her before we split. My head is really spinning. I just don't know how I'll function at work tomorrow. I'm also angry that I am working on the weekend and he is off swanning around with some tart!

OP posts:
unavailable · 15/10/2010 20:53

Are you sure it was "accidental"?
Could he be trying to make you jealous/regretful?

londonartemis · 15/10/2010 20:59

You sound furious, and you sound like you want him to suffer like you...the 'pass' remark is certainly not helpful. But if he's off work, he can meet up with whoever he wants. Are you sure it was just him with another woman? Could it have been his mate's DW etc, and he doesn't feel like justifying his time off to you within their earshot?

garageflower · 15/10/2010 21:03

I am sorry that you're feeling like this. Did a part of you want to get back together?

I ended a long term relationship due to emotional abuse and a load of other issues but when I found out that he had met someone else, it hurt like hell.

What do you want to happen? Is there an inner voice telling you you dont want him really?

Original poster
veryupsetpleasehelp · 15/10/2010 21:03

I've no idea if he would try to make me jealous. It's been hell for years and I guess I thought us splitting up would help, but it hasn't. His mate is single so not his wife.

I'm going to go now and call my sister.

OP posts:
SeveredArmbow · 15/10/2010 21:09

so sorry you feel so sad about the thought of him with someone else. but if you don't want him back you have to let him move on.

taintedpaint · 15/10/2010 21:11

Are you sure the 'pass' remark wasn't because he didn't understand what you meant? He might not know he left the voicemail (unless you directly asked about that of course, and you didn't just ask about him having someone else). I quite agree, his behaviour is shitty, but one of my friends uses that word if she doesn't get what's going on, rather than as a dismissive term (sorry, don't know if that makes sense). I know it's a long shot, but hoping he's not a bastard-like as it sounds.

So sorry you're feeling like this. :(

Suda · 15/10/2010 21:13

Well it seems he is dishonest in his dealings with people - even people he is close to - which you already knew - re: the money,

So rest assured he will be as dishonest with this OW at some point down the line - if he hasnt already - so rather than be upset about her - pity her - this will make you feel much more empowered.

You are right - or was it another poster - about his motives for stringing you along - he is safety-netting and guess who's the safety net ! Remove yourself from the equation - make it clear to him that there is no going back now and you are not leaving it open anymore. Dont be surprised if he takes it badly or wobbled on your decision by it - it wont be because he cares it will be because safety-netters dont like their safety net taken away.

You deserve better IMO,

templemaiden · 15/10/2010 22:48

"I don't want him, but I don't want him to have anyone else."

Sorry, but if this is the way you feel, you have to let him go and move on.

I met my dh four months after his wife had left him and moved 200 miles away. She was gutted that he had found someone else, but SHE had left HIM.

We got married this summer and she was devastated.

But she left him.

If you don't want him, let him go, for heaven's sake.

whenallelsefailsmaketea · 15/10/2010 22:57

Hi veryupset
Think positive - you want to make a new start because even though you care for him he is not trustworthy. If he is moving on to a new woman he will leave you alone and you have the chance to meet the honest loyal man you deserve!
Still hurts though, sorry for your pain

yesyouknowme · 16/10/2010 02:51

it's harsh but he is free to see whomever he chooses and not discuss it with you. He may well not want to tell you about any new relationships precisely because he knows you and knows you would react like this.

let him go.
Get someone you love to give you a hug

Mumcentreplus · 16/10/2010 03:01

imo a husband does not have carte blanche to see anyone while you are split up you are married ..he's a wanker and a bastard...run like the wind..I dont know you but sorry he is hurting you like this..

Mumcentreplus · 16/10/2010 03:05

How the fuck is his wife supposed to react??

spidookly · 16/10/2010 07:49

If he lies about money it's no surprise he lies about other things.

This pain is just part of getting over the end of your relationship.

Bucharest · 16/10/2010 07:52

You've now caught him out with 2 lies.

That's 2 too many, no?

yesyouknowme · 17/10/2010 00:10

They have been split up for months

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