Newly separated; best sleeping arrangements for toddler?

[MuchaFriki]

ex-DP and I had verbally agreed, before I moved out, to split time responsibility/time for DS (2.5) about halfway per week.

Now I have moved out, ex says "I am primary carer, DS should know where home is, he should always sleep with me" and I'm not sure whether to fight this or not; I don't know what kind of impact it would have on DS to be mostly in one flat, or moving between two.

ex-DP has been primary carer in the past, was a SAHD while I worked to support him, but that's been changing in the last few months too as ex does more contract work (and so I could afford to leave!)

To get to the point - I would like advice on best sleeping arrangements for toddler. Don't want to upset or disorient DS. Right now I feel rejected by DS - the two of them had a two-week holiday after the separation and DS came back very clingy and whingy for "Daddy", and "Daddy" would be grabbing DS from my arms when he got upset.

But; I'm an adult and it's clear my emotional needs are unimportant relative to DS's. But I don't want to accept that Daddy is primary carer and Mummy is just someone who hangs around a bit, babysits from time to time, and fits her time in around the edge of ex-DP's plans.

I am arranging to get counselling so we can talk about our concerns about each other and make definite childcare arrangements with a witness there. But I would really like to hear more opinions, based on experience or reading, about sleeping arrangements for toddlers post-separation...

Why did you move out? You have played right into his hands - he is clearly trying to sideline you out of your son's life.

Anyway, the child has a right to an equal relationship with both parents - you'd better get your skates on, you are being taken for a right mug here.

i thought you were going to talk about sleeping in same room/bed - but you mean should he move between each house?

yes of course he should, why not?

if he always been with dad as primary carer then you might build up gradually - as would be case if dad had moved out. or has he already spent nights at your place? in which case stick to a 50/50 type split of nights (maybe do over a fortnight basis so you each get alternate weekends)

to discuss arrangements - you need mediation, not counselling.

counselling for you for feelings - yes, separately. but dont mix up feelings (counselling) with pratical arrangemetns (mediation) .

Sage words from cestlavielife. It is by far in ds's best interests that you and ex-p come to a business-like agreement about the practicalities of new set up and it is ultra important son has strong relationship with both of you.

That is the starting point of mediation (most counties have a service) and any mediator worth his/her salt will gently steer you in that direction. Better to get into mediation at outset rather than let things fester and end up in court. Of course your ex-p will be concerned about chopping and changing sleeping arrangements, and nice for you to ackowledge those concerns too. But ex-p should be more concerned about ds having fragile relationship with his mother. That will cause many more problems in future.

Also v important to listen to child in this situation (or read the signs if they very young). If it is too much for him to stay the night with you at first you suggest it is at the moment see him in the day as much as you can and build up to special "sleepover" or whatever.

Are there any big emotions (anger, jealousy, resentment etc) that might get in the way of you coming to an agreement?

Good to see responses...

msboogieHallowqueen - harsh words, but probably accurate ones. One reason I moved out, was that I was sick of being taken for a mug. Can't bring myself to read through the "emotional abuse" threads as they'll just bring me down by reminding me of the world of shit I've just extracted myself from.

cestlavielife - of course he should [sleep at my place], why not? - I'm interested to know if there are any solid psychological reasons why not. DS hasn't spent a night at my new place yet (he only got back from holiday 2 days ago) but we're going to try it tomorrow. DS is still sleeping in bed with one or the other of us, but that's another question...

ducati - reassuring. I don't know if it's too much for DS to spend the night here (until we try) - if I seem to be saying that it's a problem, it's a combination of what ex is telling me, and my own fears. Counselling is offered by my workplace, so it seems like a place to start. But it sounds like mediation is what we really need at this point.

ex has changed his tune about our arrangements, that's why I want a witness, whatever kind of counsellor or mediator it is. So I should look into mediation services and they'd probably have more specialist advice about impact of multiple homes on toddler, right?

big emotions (anger, jealousy, resentment etc) - yes, probably all of the above - I'm starting to explore new possibilities with someone amazing - but trying to be careful not to confuse DS with that.

whatever you do do not introduce the child to a new man at this stage!! He shouldn't know anything bout him until you know whether you have a future with the guy.