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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I right a wrong??

18 replies

Champersonice · 14/10/2010 20:55

Terribly sad after reading such lovely comments on threads about OHs.

This is the guy I used to live with:

  • made me laugh
  • we laughed together often
  • we belly laughed tears running down your face laughed often
  • always told me how much he loved me
  • always told me how beautiful/sexy etc I was
  • always told me that we were soul mates
  • had fantastic sex
  • he always pleasured me first
  • no problem with going down
  • both spoke and sometimes acted out fantasies
  • he cooked me dinner
  • he washed up
  • he cleaned the house
  • always praised my cooking
  • loved my family and friends
  • encouraged me daily with anything and everything
  • had so much conversation
  • I could go on...

This is my DH:

  • we don't laugh together
  • have NEVER belly laughed tears falling down my face laughed
  • occasionally tells me he loves me
  • never tells me how beautiful/sexy etc I am
  • never tells me that we are soul mates
  • however, we do have fantastic sex
  • although he is not so good at foreplay
  • doesn't always pleasure me first
  • problem with going down
  • never speak about or act out fantasies
  • never cooks dinner
  • he washes up as a consolation
  • he sometimes cleans the house (badly)
  • always thanks me for cooking
  • doesn't encourage me
  • has no conversation
  • I could go on...

I want to cry SO much. What was I thinking when I ended it with XP? The only thing that makes me feel ok about this situation is that I would not have had my wonderful DD if I had not met DH.

My heart is aching.

OP posts:
FiaGrace · 14/10/2010 21:11

May I ask why you and your ex broke up ie if he was so wonderful, why are you not still together?

Equally, what fist attracted you to your dh? Every relationship changes over time but maybe you need to go back to the begining and try and recall what made you fall for him.

Maybe consider Relate or something simiar?

Original poster
Champersonice · 14/10/2010 21:17

I was young and scared of settling down and was still a little wild and thought I needed to move on and do more with my life like travel. I broke his heart (but mine too) and was just stupid and selfish.

I didn't really know my DH long when we got married and had our DD. I now realise that I didn't know him at all really.

I know how it looks and I have no one to blame but myself.

Perhaps counselling will help.

OP posts:
mylittlemonkey · 14/10/2010 21:28

How long have you felt like this about your DH? How long have you been married? Did you feel like this on your wedding day?

Original poster
Champersonice · 14/10/2010 21:32

Been married 4 years and TBH I did have doubts on my wedding day Sad

I don't think (even if I could) that getting back with my XP would work or that it's something I want.

I just realise that once I did have real, true, unconditional love and now I don't Confused

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 14/10/2010 21:33

Definitely suggest counselling.

Honestly, it sounds like you have romanticised your first love and are comparing it with the reality of a long-term settled relationship. I would say that the lesson from your breaking up with the ex-OH and regretting it, is to not write off DH without giving it your best shot. And that means working hard at it.

IsItMeOr · 14/10/2010 21:37

X-posted.

I'm pretty confused that you consider your list to be the measure of "real, true, unconditional love". Most of those things are just stuff you could talk to DH about if you're unhappy with what he's doing. Or am I missing something?

Original poster
Champersonice · 14/10/2010 21:37

Thanks for replies.

IsItMeOr XP wasn't my first love but definitely my best love. You are right though, I probably am romanticising the time we had but it certainly was better and more comfortable than what I currently have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Champersonice · 14/10/2010 21:42

My list doesn't equal 'real, true, unconditional love' but what I experienced with him over the years we lived together. I am talking about something much deeper that cannot be put together in a list. If you read what I wrote, I actually said "I now realise".

As for talking to DH about the things I am unhappy with - it would mean a complete change of his ways. Perhaps some he could work at but mostly I don't think so.

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 14/10/2010 21:44

Ah, I can see I made an assumption there.

Are you open to getting some counselling?

I wonder if you can start by forgiving yourself for ending the relationship with XP?

Original poster
Champersonice · 14/10/2010 21:47

Yes, for sure some things could be worked at but he doesn't have a sense of humour, he doesn't have common sense (but is intelligent), he doesn't know how to make a woman feel like a woman, he doesn't want to socialise, he doesn't want to do much to help. What am I meant to do - get him on a 'how to be a good husband' programme??

OP posts:
Original poster
Champersonice · 14/10/2010 21:48

Yes - you got it in one - I need to forgive myself and let go of the past. But how? Oh i feel like a failure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Champersonice · 14/10/2010 21:50

I am sort of up for getting prof help but sometimes I think, just get out whilst you can and other times I think 'no, we have got to work at this'. Pathetic really!

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 14/10/2010 21:59

Don't be so hard on yourself. Relationships are hard work. I know it can seem as if other people have effortlessly perfect relationships (and indeed, as if you did in the past). But we can never know what really goes on between two people in private.

You know, there's a third option here - have a go at working at this for x length of time and if you're still unhappy you can get out then.

And, oh, I wish I knew the answer to forgiving yourself and letting go of the past Wink. I'm working on the theory that at least you have to try.

Original poster
Champersonice · 14/10/2010 22:03

Thank you. I know I have to work at my own demons but equally I have to work at my marriage. Not sure if it is too late though. We are both under no illusion that there are major difficulties right now.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 14/10/2010 22:37

I have no good advice for you OP, just wanted to say it was sad to read your lists like that.

I agree with some comments that you are romanticsicing(sp) the past. There will be some of that. And that girl you were, the one who belly laughed, she is gone. Replaced by a mother who frets and loves and worries.

Perhaps if you had your child with exp you would have ended up here too?

I have a past love who still has a grip on a corner of my soul. I let myself look back occasionally, lose myself in the reverie, and then get the sickening lurch in my stomach when i remember why we split. That seems to snap me back, and my reality is all i want.

I agree, give it some time, and then decide.

I guess you do need to tell your dh that you feel this way, without mentioning the ex.

Original poster
Champersonice · 15/10/2010 07:15

Thanks perfumedlife, I think we need to speak but DH doesn't like to so much. Definitely wont mention XP though!

OP posts:
lupo · 15/10/2010 07:35

'I have a past love who still has a grip on a corner of my soul..'

Beautifully put and I know exactly what you mean...mine contacted me recently and now has disappeared again..he said he found it hard hearing my voice etc-- and he has a family now. He will always be the one that got away and my real soulmate tbh

Original poster
Champersonice · 15/10/2010 22:38

Oh lupo I feel your pain. Ain't no sunshine when he's gone, it ain't warm when he's gone away ... I think you knwo what I mean.

OP posts:
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