Husband needs help

[Girlsdad]

Hi, my first post so i apologise if i dont use all those LOL things etc.

Really I want a womans unbiased advice about how i can make things better

My wife and i have a beautiful 5 month old little girl and she is slowly killing my wife with her constant demands.
She used to wake between 10-20 times a night and just need a cuddle.
We think it all goes back to when my wife took her into bed when the baby was ill and baby loved it !
Wife isnt getting any sleep, I work sometimes 15-20 hour days leaving the house at 8am and coming home, well when works done.

Our Routine is as follows (depending if i am home on time which i am 2-3 times a week)
I get up at 0630hrs wash etc and am there when our girl wakes, i take her downstairs, wash and dress and feed and play until i go to work then i wake my wife (or she comes down)
I come home from work, cook dinner (i Love it) , clean up and then do the first feed or until midnight and then sleep.
My wife does the rest and is awake when i do the first feed anyway but i know it helps.
I have taken a week off work this week and have made my wife sleep at her mums to get some proper rest while i do Controlled crying in an effort to sort our daughters sleep out and she is looking better for it (wife and daughter !)
What else can i do as she still looks knackered and depressed, I have managed to convince her to put our daughter in a nursery for two days a week but i'm worried the rest of our life will be like this ?

Girlsdad, I can't give you any advice for your baby, as I am not a mum. But I wanted to say that you sound lovely, and your wife is very lucky to have you. Your love for your baby and your wife transpires in every one of your posts. I wish you all the best. I am sick at home today, and your thread has made my day :)

Aurynee,

Im no saint, we have argued like mad over stupid stuff due to tiredness, I feel bad about it.
I did look at DADSNET and its rubbish, three or four answers to a post so i thought here was better,

you wouldn't be human if you didn't argue when knackered

This is a lovely book for those tough early days (and you're definitely still in them at 5mo ).

Helped me to feel more comfortable with my new role.

It will get better. This too shall pass, the mantra on mumsnet x

Of course you don't need to justify your working hours, I just had in mind that if your DW is alone with a tiny baby for 20 hours a day, of course she's goign to be knackered. Obviously the more adult help she gets, the better and it's good that you can be flexible.

I think the best way you can support your DW, is to listen to what she wants. Sometimes, we all want to wave a magic wand when the people we care about have a problem, but what we think is the solution is not necessarily what they think is right. You might feel that her feelings are "cloudy", but they're still her feelings and she needs to know you're not dismissing them. When you're feeling like shit, just being listened to and validated feels like the most brilliant support and help and if she gets that from you it will bring you closer together and turn the memories of this stage of your baby's life into a hazy happy memory of both of you being in it together, rather than "that nightmare time".

This period is so short in a child's life - honestly, it feels like a nightmare at the moment, but in a few weeks, chances are it will be a distant memory. It's easy for others who have been through it to say, but try not to let it cloud your and your DW's enjoyment of this stage of your baby's life. There's nothing wrong with treating a baby with kid gloves, that's what you're supposed to do! It's the one thing people forget to tell you - you are supposed to enjoy this and if you spend it worrying and trying to efficiently fix it, you'll look back with regret that you didn't relax a bit more. One of the best bits of advice I read on here was "you've got to roll with it". That may sound a load of bollocks to you atm because it feels so urgent when you're going through it. But as I said, in a month's time, you'll probably wonder what it was that you were getting so frantic about, because it will have passed and something else will be on the radar.

If your DW is feeling guilty, unhappy etc. - tell her to come on here and post. She'll get masses of support and good advice.

HerBeatitude

I feel exactly the same about DW being at home for such a long time alone.
I spend my days being guilty !
Dont get me wrong she knows what she wants - and so do I !
I do listen and i respond, You are right though, of course i want to fix things, i am a man and thats what we do !
I just want my wife to know shes loved, valued and is the best mum in the world AND to feel rested !

Yes it's a difficult balance, I think we are all to some extent programmed to "fix" things, to approach almost everything we do as a project, to set limits and goals and tick things off, and with parenting, we just can't do that - sometimes, as with teething, waiting for them to sleep through the night, weaning etc., you just have to to wait it out and roll with it.

If it's any consolation, 5 months is that hellish time when the novelty of the baby being new has worn off, but s/he hasn't started sleeping through the night yet and the cumulative effect of all that tiredness is hitting the fan. But just as you think you can't stand it any more, the baby moves on to a new life-stage. So keep rolling with it, you'll be through it soon.

Oh and totally agree with frightnight - get your DW to consider sleep as "me-time", that's what it is. After the baby, it's the major priority, everything else can wait.

Hello, I am in a similar situation to your wife, our DD is also 5 months and my DH has been working away for the past 2 months so I thought I would share a few things that have helped me get through.

Do you have a bouncer? I put DD in this is the bathroom whilst I shower, in the kitchen whilst I make/have lunch etc so that nap times are exclusively me time. I find it difficult to sleep in the day, but make sure that when the baby is sleeping I am relaxing/resting and everything else gets done whilst she is awake.

I feed her at 10 every regardless of whether she wakes up for it or not because I find it easier to fall asleep afterwards knowing she is full and not worrying about when she will wake up hungry if you see what I mean.

I have downloaded a white noise mp3 which I play on low most nights, it not only relaxes DD but it drowns out a lot of her snuffling and grunting which stops me getting jumpy and helps me sleep.

Finally co sleeping can be a godsend. I find it much easier if DD is propped on my chest or I have my arm over her, then I can relax and dont worry that I might squash her, would this help your wife?

I really hope some of this can help you, constant, relentless tiredness is just horrible.

just been reading your post! a wee question?is your wife breast feeding or bottle feeding? and is your wee one unsettled through the day as well as night?

We bottle feed, DD is fine during the day (generally) and sleeps well during her naps

Girlsdad, you sound like a good father and husband.

I agree that sleep time IS me time at this stage. Please advice your wife to have her lunch while baby is awake, it is OK to let baby watch some tv, or sit in a bouncer and watch mum eat. They learn from watching others, and seeing mum eat "normal" food is not a bad thing.
We had a "bumbo" seat which I kept baby in while I had a shower.

As for housework, and help, do you have a cleaner? Can you afford one just until baby is older and sleeps better? It might take the pressure of your wife a little. Also, our cleaner would also do some babysitting. When we got to know her and felt comfortable around her, she would look after baby for a little while I had a rest. I am not suggesting you pay a cleaner to be your nanny, but it worked for us, as we were all in the house, and it was only for an hour a week.

Do you help with the night feeds, or is it only your wife getting up? I know you need to feel alert for work, but she also needs to feel alert for her day, so is there any way you could share this a little? Like, you go to your dd the first time she wakes up?

Also, please advice your wife to go to bed early. Even before baby is in bed. Could you put baby to sleep before her last feed, before you go to bed?

You can also ask the health visitor to refer you to a sleep clinic, they are really helpful.

I breastfed mine, and he would wake up 3-4 times per night for feeds until he was 12 months old, I was exhausted! We got some brilliant advice from our gp which we followed, and our baby settled to sleep through the night within a week. 5 months is too you for this though.

QueeheeeheeeheenOfShadows , yes we have managed to scrape together enough for a cleaner and even if we didnt i do my share.
I do all my ironing etc along with the food shop and most of the cooking.
I have even done a load of meals for the freezer for one for when i am stuck at work.
If i am home i do the first feed, or first two but it still wakes my wife alas

However good news, for the second night in a row DD has only woken twice for feeds, I feel my stab at CC has made a difference and she sleeps better so much so i have had to wake her at 7 the last two days, she asks to be put to bed for her naps !
Maybe things are beginning to get better ?

IME and IME only (as it's all I have to go by) Sleeping at this age is a huge rollercoaster and it gets better, then worse again, then better... and so on until about 12 months. I just had to roll with it. Ds was a horrible sleeper (2 now and been fine since about 12 months... still wakes once per night, usually, but no big there, IMO).

I would echo everyone that has said to encourage your DW to sleep when your DD sleeps.

Not sure about the attempt at controlled crying and suggestion to start nursery - would be guided by your DW. I found it hard enough to leave DS when I had to go back to work when he was 8 months it would have been far worse if I had felt my DH thought I couldn't cope and he wanted me to leave him while I was at home.

Giving DW a few nights sleep must be appreciated, my DH never got up at all and DS was a poor sleeper and I was breastfeeding so I feel your DW's pain. However, maybe she would just like you to look after DD one night pw rather than the CC thing; basically I would be guided by your DW, she may not want things 'fixed' in the more typical male way of addressing problems, just someone to listen to her & offer a bit of support.

Also, think your working hours are really long. My DH works long hours (typically out 7.15-8.30) but not 20 pd! Are you seriously saying you leave the house at 8am and return at between 11pm and 4am the next day. If it's more than the very odd occasion you should consider your job as you will never see your DW/ DD. Might be different if DW did not work and had lots of support, but once she returns to work I don't think that will be feasible at all. Obviously, not saying resign in the current economic climate but maybe look at options.

Hi, My hours are erratic, I would say the 20 hour days are in the region of once a month maybe twice.
12/14 hours days probably twice a week on average, home on time maybe once a week.
I am home every weekend though which in my proffession is pretty much unheard of so its swings and roundabouts really.

Yes I do all nights on one of the weekend days and things do seem to be looking up, CC has stopped and DD seems to be sleeping tons better.

Thanks for all the help

Glad to hear things are getting better, I for one think you did the right thing with CC - it worked for my 2 and me.

You will probably get set backs, but just keep doing what your doing and congratulate yourself and your DW for a job well done so far!