Defensiveness ..what he hears, what I say

[flibertygibet]

My dh constantly accuses me of being defensive. He says he can't say anything to me without me taking it personally.

I admit this may have been true in the past, but I thought I'd changed that. I'm aware of it and I've really worked hard at not doing this. But maybe I haven't? Just wondering how do you all deal with this sort of thing without being defensive? We've been married 12 years and I feel like I know nothing about communication.

Here's an example...

This morning I walk into the kitchen.Every light is on - spotlights over head, cooker, etc...I turn them off.

Ten minutes later, the hall lights are on as we are going in and out of there, the bathroom etc. and it's dark. DH flips out and says 'no wonder the electricity bill is so high if all these bloody lights are on all the time.'

So I calmly (I think) point out that I had to turn all the kitchen lights off. He accuses me of being defensive and tells me it wasn't a criticism of me, but his behaviour i.e. the way he says it, exasperated, shouting, indicates to me that he's blaming someone else. I honestly didn't feel like I was being defensive, I just wanted to point out that he's responsible for the lights too.

Okay so maybe this was defensive behaviour. But I really honestly don't know how to react in a situation like this.

To give him the benefit of the doubt, he was very tired this morning and in a foul mood. And I have a tendency to put him on a pedestal and 'look after' him a bit too much which he doesn't realise, possibly doesn't want, and frankly never acknowledges.

I'm a bit like this. When I don't feel under atack I think I know how to respond to situations like this but when they happen I just get upset and feel I'm being attacked when that's not really what's happening.

When you're DH said 'no wonder the electricity bill is so high if all these bloody lights are on all the time.' What you could have said is "you're right - I've just turned off the kitchen lights. What can we do about this?" It takes the wind out of their sails a bit when you acknowledge what they've said like that and deflects the blame from you to the general household.

How would he have reacted if you had gone to him and said "I've just had to turn off all the bloody kitchen lights."?

Would he have taken it personally? Would you have meant it personally?

My dh does this sometimes too. I still haven't figured out a suitable way of responding to it, and I feel attacked also.

flibert, I didn't have time to post yesterday but I wanted to say two things:

1. From your first post...you say "DH constantly accuses me of being defensive...."

Presumably this means he is constantly grumbling, criticising, moaning? Why should he do that? He is not your Boss.

2.Remember: Get your head around this: Say this to yourself a thousand times...say it to him.

Even if you think I am defensive and oversensitive, I do not like being shouted at. Please stop.

This is about what you feel not about what he says you are.

xx

I think a lot of people do this to some extent - I know I do and DH does occasionally, but I am learning to stop. One trick I learned from MIL (which works very well with my DH but might not with others) is to smile sweetly, shrug and say something like "oh well, that's the price you have to pay for living with me".

As for more serious things like the electricity bill, maybe try ignoring the tone and just focus on the words, Is the electricity bill a problem? If so, something like "yeah, the bill is high, we should do something about that" is a better response than one-upmanship about whose fault it is.

But it is a joint thing and only works if you can try to be less defensive but also he tries less to accuse you of being defensive, as that just leads to a vicious circle where you both feel wronged.

Thanks everyone for your input..

mumonthenet...that is great advice. You're right i need to start thinking (and acting) that I am my OWN boss. He moans a LOT but then I guess I have sort of created a situation where I've put his needs/likes/dislikes first. My mother did the same thing with my dad so I'm aware of why I behave like that. 'King of the Castle' syndrome.

Maybe it's just my tone of voice or something that implies I'm being defensive. Squirrel...love that idea of ignoring the tone..hard to do sometimes though.

I know I also need to learn how to argue. That sounds crazy, but it's true - dh and I don't argue and if we do, it ends up usually with him shouting and walking out of the room, and me in tears. Not good but I'm dealing with it.