Gold star pass - is this the end for this marriage

[goneforever]

Friend is asking me to advise her on a letter she is preparing to her husband saying he has a pass to sleep with whomever he wants provided he (1) doesnt rub her face in it (2) if he wants to live with the person in question he either respects her around the family home till arrangements are sorted and/or gives her enough time to make arrangements for her to move out once custody is agreed; and she is thinking of putting something in about using a condom but thinks he would do that anyway so thinks it is un necessary maybe.
I asked her whether she thinks her marriage is over, she says she doesnt know except she has 2 babies one 2 and one 5 months and they havent really had sex since baby 1 was conceived (apart from to conceive baby 2 of course) and she thinks he must either be getting it elsewhere or wanting to. she doesnt know where their marriage is going and is not sure whether it is over. He is a very closed person but she thinks this will leave the door open if there is any chance of saving things. She is due to return to work and is treating money separately (ie supporting the babies on her maternity pay herself) but has told him she wont fight him on custody if it ever gets to that stage. I asked her this morning what his reaction was to the custody statement and she said he said nothing but got out the cd they played at their wedding and played the song they had their first dance to and they both sat and listened to it. Then he went out. I think she might have post natal depression but i am not an expert so i dont know and think it would be unhelpful to say this to her. What is the best thing to say to her (if anything) and how should i support her?

"I think she might have post natal depression "

Me too.

+1 it really doesnt sound like she is thinking straight.

There's definitely something wrong here. Do you know her H well enough to talk to him? (Not in an accusatory way, more in a 'Friend seems very unhappy, do you think it might be PND way) Because his actions - playing their favourite song and then going out - could be those of a bloke who isn't shagging around, but is worried about his wife and doesn't know what to do.

what should i do if she does have post natal depression? how can you tell someone that nicely? My immediate thoughts on the note thing were that if he is going to have sex with someone else he will be doing it already and long ago without her "permission" so the note is pointless and just suggests her depression more than anything else anyway

They need to communicate with each other and figure out what is going on and what they want to do about it

It does sound like PND to me, maybe you could sit her down and ask if she's ever considered the fact that she maybe depressed

Him playing their wedding song would indicate to me has does love her and wants things to work but if he doesnt speak up soon it may end up being too late

She is obviously not in a good way is she, it sounds like she dislikes herself so much that she expects her husband to go and get it elsewhere.

Let's be optimistic and assume he isn't - if she gives him that letter, he's going to think that she doesn't care. Which could make him look elsewhere.

Agree with Solid, he may be at a loss as to know what to do. Some people are very quiet and think if they can just weather the storm, she'll get through it and they'll be fine.

It sounds as if they might BOTH have PND! The wedding song thing really doesn't sound like a man who is gagging for a shag over the franking machine, does it? How about asking her to write another letter, this time all about how she feels, rather than what she thinks he wants to do? Telepathy's never a reliable instrument, especially not in stressed-out relationships.

Also, I think she should talk to her HV and GP.