Things are so crap with DH I don't really know what to do...

[TiredWife]

It all seems to have been going downhill for years.

I'm harbouring some long term grudges such as how crap he was at supporting me when the kids (now 11 & 8) were born. And how he gave me no emotional support when my mum died.

He is just not there for me at all.
Sex just petered out ages ago.

He left his job (sort of voluntary redundancy) about five years ago, and has set up on his own. He has made a success of it, to his credit, but uses it as an excuse to disappear off into his office every evening. I know he is a bit worried about the money side, as last year was 'lean' but he is constantly angry and short-tempered about everything these days.

I also lost my job three years ago, and we decided that I would do a bit of freelancing, but take on more of the childcare/ house stuff (which was previously shared).
I have hated it, and with all the home responsibilites have never had time to really make a go of it. DH has not been encouraging or supportive.

I've just been given the chance to do a more permanent job 3 days a week, with a really good salary/ benefits etc. But when I tried to discuss it with DH his response was basically "well only if it doesn't have an impact on me or the kids" and you will have to make childcare arrangements, as I'm not willing to help. Being 'not willing to help' means him not collecting the kids from school at 4.30 twice a week - which he could easily do (and was doing anyway a few years back when I used to work full time).

I just read the 'what nice things does your DH do for you' thread and couldn't think of a single thing . It just makes me want to cry. I feel so lonely and unloved. What did I do to deserve such lack of love and affection?

I don't know op . It seems as thought you both are missing out on things, him with working hard and trying to keep his business going and you feeling neglected.

Is there a chance you could, together have some time out? To talk properly I mean.

I feel your pain

I have just separated from my husband and was beginnning to think I had done the wrong thing until I read the "nice things your Dh does for you" thread.

He did none of those things for me and I wouldnt have been able to think of a single thing to contribute to that thread.

IMO life is too short. We all deserve to be loved and have someone who deserves our love back

You need to make it clear how you feel. You owe it to yourself to be a whole, rounded person and you need to do what will make you happy.

Good luck

You haven't done anything to deserve such a a lack of love and affection, except marry this man.

If I were you I would simply take the job, tell your DH that that's what you're doing, and if he's not prepared to support you, then you'll divorce him.

Seeing as how you are solely responsible for childcare anyway, being a single mother won't change anything and you'll be able to get a new boyfriend who will actually have sex with you occasionally.

HTH.

Really, I'm not being facetious, this guy sounds like a wash-out.

I suppose I ought to advise a less drastic way forward, like Relate. But really, take the job - you're going to need it, a 3 day a week job with good money and conditions, is gold dust.

I is stupid of him to say that you should only take the job if it doesn't impact on him or the kids. It is a family decision and will impact on the family as a whole: You will not be the parent on call all the time; the family finances will improve; you will be happier. If I were you I would look at the Relate route, but if he is adamant, then I would look at an escape route and that will probabaly involve the job. Good Luck.

Thanks for the reply Pirate. Talking just doesn't seem to work - he won't talk. He is stubborn as hell, and only ever sees his side of the discussion/argument. He only ever sees his own situation and point of view e.g. the inconvenience to him if I should end up working properly again.

I am worried about his health - mental and physical. His work is very solitary, and he doesn't exercise or socialise much. If I try to encourage him to do stuff I get accused of nagging, and when I occasionally go out with friends (e.g. one evening a month) he huffs and puffs about it. He has also started complaining more and more about the kids' claim on his time - e.g. he has now started telling our 8 year old that he is 'too old for stories' and should put himself to bed , which usually results in me having to console a crying child and read stories when it's 'daddy's turn' .

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm beginning to feel as if I'd be happier without him. I hate this feeling of walking on eggshells and feeling controlled. But I can't imagine breaking up the family . And I love my home (except when he's stopping around it...)

Oh, I just don't know what to do. I know it's not working anymore, but I don't know how to fix it.

Take the job.

Don't even consider passing up this opportunity.

How dare he tell you what to do with your life like that?

Tell him to fuck off.

Stomping around it... I meant.

Thanks for the other replies (which were posted while I was writing the last one)

TiredWife, did your Dh consider "not impacting you or the kids" when he decided to leave his job and start his own business? How would he have reacted if you had told him "you can only do that if it doesn't impact on me and the DC"?

Maybe you should have a very serious talk to him about this. And mention the fact of you not finding a single lovely thing he does for you. If that is not a shocker for him, then nothing will be.

And what is that of "you're too old for stories" to an 8-year-old??? Has he forgotten he is his father? He has responsibility for him too, his children and wife should always be first! Ask him if, the day he dies, he will be regretting he didn't spend more time at work, or instead he didn't spend enough time with his children...

Good luck, you and your children deserve much better. He has his priorities completely wrong.

To try to give him the benefit of the doubt I DO wonder if he is depressed and has got himself into an unhealthy work cycle where he just can't relax and de-stress.
Aurynne - no - we didn't have the same discussion when he set up his business (but in fact we had a discussion where I guess I wasn't very supportive, as I didn't think that it was a good idea (which in hindsight, I was right about!).

He is going to work himself to death . Part of the reason I want to take this job is to alleviate some of the financial burden, but he just seems to think that I'm 'making life difficult for him'.

I wish I could get him to see a counsellor, but I don't think he would go.
I'm scared to threaten divorce unless I mean to follow it through.

Hi there, I have been through a very similar situation for years, mainly because we've gone from one stressful job situation to another. My OH is a bit of a workaholic and is often tired after working. I spent many hours on my own with the kids in the early days, who are not far off your kids ages (7 and 10), I now spend loads of time taking them to different places. I recently had a full time job but gave it up because I couldn't handle the stress of having to ask my OH to collect the boys from school and getting the inevitable grumble. Long story short, I have started to make this situation work for me. I've got myself a part-time job with not too much stress and I work the kids and house around it. I don't ask him to contribute and don't expect it.....the only thing I do expect as a result is that he goes out and earns the money. So really, I've set my own guidelines....I'll do my but if he does his. It sounds cold and callous, but I spent years trying to get him to be someone he wasn't, now with my own honesty we seem to have turned a corner and he's now started doing things without being asked! I don't think men like being told what to do!

When did the sex stop?

This sounds like a miserable way to live for both of you. There must have been some good things along the line somewhere?

Have you really held a grudge against him for 11 years?

Could you come to some sort of compromise on the stories? I have to say that my parents didn't read me bedtime stories at 8 any more. It's not that you're wrong to to so (sounds lovely) but i don't think he is necessarily that wrong not to, if he hates doing it? could he find other things to do with ds?

Actions speak louder than words. Ask him - does he love you and the kids? Look him straight into his eyes, and this will tell you all you need to know. If he says yes he loes you all then tell him tom start proving it! Its that simple.

"well only if it doesn't have an impact on me or the kids"

what. the. fuck??? What made him the only priority?

he doesn't get to say shit like this.

Take the job and make him do his share of looking after HIS KIDS!!

For fuck's sake woman. Stop being a doormat.

I agree with maktaitai, both my kids read their own books in bed now, I don't see the point in creating drudge if you don't have to. As long as the kids know they're loved, don't beat yourself up about being the perfect bedtime book reading parent. our kids sometimes fall asleep on the settee and we carry them upstairs!! Shock Horror, they are, however perfectly balanced children and get glowing reports from school.....you might need to chill a little...

it's alright having extreme views, but this often creates conflict, and If I'm anything to go by, most mothers don't want to create conflict in front of their kids and so will often take the path of least resistance..

Thing is TW, the job will impact on all of you, for the greater good surely!

TBh, you know in your heart of hearts that if you take this job, it won't stop him hiding away in his office, at best nothing will change, at worst he'll immerse himself more.

I wept too when I read the Nice Things DH Does Thread. My 'H' doesn't do anything, OK apart from what AF/SF said, but even that, I feel is more for his benefit and not mine, I don't feel a part of anything physical.

Call his bluff, take the job, but for YOU! Can one of the other school mums pick your DC up and deliver them home?

This is all about control, he has lost his edge, so he'll chip away at yours. Don't let him.

Oh and if he begrudges you a life, then tbh you not only should threaten him with a divorce, you should flaming well follow through with it.

Your DH has checked out and is resenting being asked to do anything, I have the same problem. Nothing, it would seem, is his job, he is a shit father, does everything I despise. Seems to hate it when we have fun, DS and I, but won't shake himself to take us out, we have to arrange it and then it can't be too complicated/complex, cos apparently we are not worth more than 2 activities in a single day... once in a lifetime... a farmers market, 30 mins max, a meal and a film....

I ended up telling him to stick it and went out with a friend of mine.

And he wonders why I hate him.... All this AFTER a dreadful existence where he routinely abused me emotionally, isolated me from all form of life, in his country, stopped all kinds of fun, hit me a couple of times, witheld stuff I needed, humiliated me in front of literally everyone I knew... for 3 years.... Now he wonders why I don't let him get away with anything with me anymore...

Don't let this man dictate the terms of your life, he is not acting in your best interests and he is not qualified to do so.

If he chooses to leave/split because you want to get a job and help the family out, then so be it, he is not worth fighting for.

The sooner the better and then you can find a decent man to do stuff for you that was on the Good DH thread, and one that thinks that you are never too old for a good story before bed...

Does your H ever listen to his sad pathetic little self?