Child may be taken into care. What can I do, if anything to help, or say to make her feel better?

[OrmRenewed]

I have friend who's son is best mates with my youngest child. She is currently going through the most awful trauma with her eldest son. Suffice to say after various horrible events she has been told that he is at risk of being taken into care. Because of his behaviour, there is no longer any suspicion hanging over her and her DH.

I have tried to say the right things - but I know nothing about ss so can't offer much advice. I am working all the time so I can't sit and talk for very long. I have given her my home and work numbers so if she needs to talk, or if she needs me to take the other boys for an while, or any other help.

But I am totally useless in this situation. It's has all spiralled so fast out of control. I don't know what I can do.

I know someone in the county council children and young persons dept who I know is often involved in this sort of area - should I call her, ask for her advice? Or is it simply not my business?

No advice Orm but sounds like an awful situation. Hopefully someone more helpful will be along soon.

No advice on specifics, sorry, bumping for you.

Sometimes the best was of being a friend is just to be that.

Could you write her a card telling her why she is special, something she could maybe reflect on in darker moments?

I think that calling your contact wouldn't be a bad idea. Whether or not you decide to pass on any information if she doesn't specifically ask your opinion is a judgement call you'd need to make. Making the call may enable you to understand procedure and be able to be a support if the time comes, without making your friend feel you've talked about her behind her back.

Oh mary, so sorry

Thanks for your advice.

I don't think anyone could judge her - she is lovely mother, the gentlest woman I have ever met and her strength has amazed me. And I have told her that. I don't feel I can say anything else. Saying 'I'm sorry' all the time seems so pathetic.

And yes I have offered to take DS's friend whenever I can if she wants me to. The littlest one has been protected from it all but the middle one is 8 and very much aware. Poor little kid.

But I don't want to be too proactive - with SS and the police and the school charging around telling her what to do, the last thing she wants is someone else doing it too. I just hope she knows I am ready to listen and help when she asks.

if it is the child's behaviour causing the issues then you can reiterate to her that she is doing the right thing in sending him to foster care/residential placement or whatever it is SS are suggesting.

if he is not at risk from mother or father then one presumes it is the child's behaviour which is causing issues and therefore he is a risk to others at home?

obviously you cannot say, but am assuming.

therefore, presumably they offering some kind of specialist foster care/respite service?

if they offering such a service she should grab it with both hands as being teh right thing for all the family - tell her the right placement could make long term difference - first of all for her child going there and also allow the rest of the family some breathing space....

if it is that kind of arrangement, then she and father would be very much a part of the process.

maybe you cna be more proactive in saying

"I can take xx on ss day at xx time with my DS" and offer a range of dates.

"i am making a batch of stew, i have too much, what time shall i bring you some?"

etc.

"if they offering such a service she should grab it with both hands as being teh right thing for all the family - tell her the right placement could make long term difference - first of all for her child going there and also allow the rest of the family some breathing space.... "

I can't help thinking that too, but I don't think she is seeing it like right now. He assaults her, threatens and hurts the middle child, climbs out of the window to run away, hides from everyone looking for him, attacked the police officer who came to help find him - punched, kicked and scratched him. They are living on a knife edge.

mary - do you know why he is the way he is? With this lad I wonder if he is bi-polar - his moods swings are so extreme. He had about 5m when he was fine this year after a bad bout last year.

I am so so sorry about your family. It must be heart-breaking.

are SS offering a help and support placement? involving mental health services?

then keep reiterating to her "your DS needs profressional help. they can give him that help. it is not a failure to not be able to give that yourself"

I don't know what they are offering cestlavie - she has just focussed on the taking him away bit atm. SS have been involved before but things have escalated.

My DS2-13 (stepson whom I have raised) is currently being looked after under section 20, which is probably what your friend is being offered. He was in a children's home for a while, but is now in a wonderful EBD residential school and we are cautiously optimistic. He has diagnoses of RAD (birth mother neglected him in infancy), ODD and ADHD (although I am not convinced he has ADHD). DS2's behaviour here in our home, and to a slightly lesser extent in school (although he did manage to get permanently excluded from mainstream) was so volatile and dangerous that we just had to look at the impact it was having on the rest of the family (we also have younger children) and go with it. Truthfully, we had no choice - he was presenting a danger to all of us. We are all somewhat traumatised by what was normal in our house for so long, but are now getting some help for it.

As a friend, MaryZ is right in that support and a non-judgemental ear are what your friend requires. It really does knock the stuffing out of you, as she posted. :(

Thanks bythesea - I am amazed by how many people seem to have experienced this. I am shaken TBH. I never realised. DH teaches children with behavioural problems but I was guilty of assuming the children came from problematic homes in some way or other . Clearly not.

mary - he's 10. I don't imagine drugs are an issue but I don't know. He's taken to running off and disappearing for hours on end - I suppose it's not impossible he's gettign hold of something. But he was also an 'odd' child - DD and DS1 knew him when they were in primary school. Very intense, very high-energy. When DS1 was a playground mentor in Yr 6 he was always having to intervene when this boy had a row with someone.

you can read the childrens act here if it helps so you can be aware of the parents and the child's rights.
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1989/41/contents

www.childrenslegalcentre.com/Legal+Advice/Child+law/LocalAuthoritySupportforChildrenandFamilies/lookedafterchildren.htm

section 20 is with the parental (and child where applciable) consent - so they would be involved every step of the way. they may feel they being pressured (- but others in similar situation are desperate to be offered such help and not getting it... if there is a good placement being offered it could help all in the family...)

you could maybe offer to sit in on any meetings with SS as a family friend to take notes. so that any questions/concerns can be put in writing afterwards. and to assist your friend if she forgets what she wanted to ask....

"Section 20 is based on co-operative working between the local authority, the young person and his or her parents because the court is not forcing the child or young person to be looked after.2

the main thing is that the parent feels there is a good cooperative working relationship going on and that they happy to answer all her questions.

does she a profressional she trusts, who is advising?

Thanks cestlavie.

She has a sw who has been dealing with her son. But son no longer trusts her for various reasons which makes it difficult. And everything seems to be soooo slow! They have an appointment with someone at the LA children dept on 1st Nov - and that is quick apparently.

I have offered to do whatever she wants. But each time I get a smile and thanks and a' no no we'll be fine'. Which makes me feel I should butt out TBH. But she has my work number and home number if she does decide she wants me.

As the mother of a teenager with a recently developed habit of running away, drug taking, truancy and general nastiness, this thread is very interesting.

I have to say that reading this:

The relationship between children with behavioural problems and problematic homes is interesting. I am beginning to wonder how many dysfunctional families are caused by having children with problems, rather than the other way around, iykwim! For example troubled children come from broken homes, or do they sometimes cause parents to break up through sheer exhaustion and inability to cope?

has been an epiphany! Up until recently I'd say that from the outside we look like a perfectly ordinary loving family, and then things took a turn for the worst and I suppose one of my biggest fears (aside the safety of my teen) was that people would assume that something awful had been going on in the home in order to cause her to behave in the way that she was(is).

I wish more people would understand that it's often the behaviour of the young person that creates the dysfunction and not the other way round. But I suppose that then creates an atmosphere of blame on the young person, which I don't think would help at all. Gah.

So, anyway, what I was going to say, Orm , is that what I need from friends at the moment is an open ear without judgement (both during chats and afterwards) possibly the benefit of some experience and lots of wine .

The very worst thing that happened to me recently in terms of 'support' was an old friend getting wind of what was happening, emailing (for gossip, essentially) and then replying with how bloody perfect her own teen was being. It was like being stabbed in the eye with a fork.

Sorry to hear that duck

I agree that mary's suggestion makes sense to me too. On an a lesser note our youngest child has been extremely challenging since he was a 3yr old - he's just way more child than either of us were bargaining for . And from being endlessly patient, always involved, enthusiastic parents to our 2 eldest, we have become a great deal less patient, irritable and exhausted with all of them at times. I see entirely, at several removes obviously, how one problematic child could disrupt a previously perfectly functioning family.

How awful her and for you, maryz. I used to help out with a teenager like this: his lovely mother's life was an ongoing nightmare (her youngest was autistic). We have such a strong 'nurture over nature' culture that parents can blame themselves - and, in fact, be blamed - for innate issues in their children. By way of an example, before the Asperger diagnosis was revived in the '80s, Asperger children were diagnosed as emotionally damaged by uncaring mothers. Things move along, but slowly.

I certainly can't better maryz's advice so here are my additional suggestions. In my amateur experience, such children grow up with aggressive personality disorders - PDs can't be diagnosed until adulthood; they may well be diagnosed with ADHD/ASDs/etc during childhood. Some end up with a diagnosis of schizophrenia ('my' boy did); lines are blurred and much depends on the diagnostic procedures used. Those teenagers are utterly tormented by what we used to call inner demons; they are excruciatingly unhappy and confused. The sooner they get into a safe & regulated environment, preferably with full-on mental health care, the better their chances of at least coming to terms with themselves and the world around them.

I'm 100% sure your friend knows this so, apart from supporting the fact that his condition IS NOT HER FAULT, you might wish to help her research possible conditions - and to push for proper mental health services for her boy. She and her family will probably need counselling, too. I'm glad she's got friends on her side; I hope you and your family will be able to weather this with her.

Thanks for all your advice.

She just rang me and asked if I could take middle child for the night. Her mum is looking after the LO so she and DH can spend their time with the oldest and see if that helps.

I have a friend of DD staying over already but what the hell! DS#2 will be so excited.