what should i do?

[sosad]

I have been in a relationship for 10 years and have 2 ds. We have had alot of rows and it's been pretty rocky. I'm not 100% sure but i think the underlying problem is sex, at least that what he says. I just don't have any interest in it at all. I do love him but i'm not sure i fancy him. Over time he has made a big deal about it, called me all the names under the sun, frigid etc etc and i now always feel that the pressure is on.
The way we were getting on improved this last few months. We didn't argue and there hasn't been the usual tense atmosphere, for me things were good. This last week or two things have gone downhill, he's gone moody again and says that he changed and i still haven't given him what he wants (sex)
We have started to argue about stuff again. Last night he told me someone had said he should leave me and then wouldn't tell me anymore. Today he says that i make his life shit and don't give him what he wants and unless i sort myself out he's selling the house and we split. I do everything a partner does and i do have sex even tho i don't want to and every time the shit hits the fan like this i want to even less. I feel like i will have to pretend and be all nicey nicey and have sex so that my kids don't end up in a broken home. I have read on here that some of you don't want sex alot and you don't seem to have the trouble i have. I feel sooooo depressed and don't know what to do.
Thanx for reading if you got this far.

[doormat]

Oh sosad.What a terrible position.LOL and hugs coming your way.
IMO I am going to sound harsh here but it is not meant but

1. he sounds like a control freak.
   
2. it seems to me he "blackmails" you into having sex that way you can keep your family together and your home.
   
   I dont mean to offend you but by the tone of your post I get these impressions.

[Tinker]

Sosad - I'm not suprised that you don't fancy him anymore within that atmosphere. I know it's a cliche but think counselling may help you, someone who is removed from the situation. Would he go with you?

[aloha]

Agree with Tinker. It sounds as if you two have bigger issues to sort out. Would he go. BTW also agree he sounds controlling and bullying. Is the house in both your names?

[Baba]

Sosad, I can really sympathise with you and I hate to say it, but I can see that my dp and I may get to the stage that you seem to be at at the moment.

Ever since I had my ds I have not been interested in sex, and yes, my dp and I loved sex before and it was the best part of our relationship. In the last three months we have had sex once and the time that we did, it was instigated by dp who said things like "you used to enjoy it" or "I need love and sex too you know".

Obviously I felt guilty by these words and I do know that he must need sex and I feel very selfish at times but although I do love him dearly I just have nil sex drive now and would be quite happy if we never had sex again and just cuddled in bed and went to sleep!!

I don't honestly believe that men mean to manipulate us in this situation - I think it is just their natural instincts coming out - after all, I do believe that men need sex a lot more than women (well most of them).

However, I also don't think that we should give them sex just to keep a happy and harmonious home. It is so difficult because I, like you, feel that I should give dp sex so that we stay a happy family but I have got to the stage now where I can feel it underlying and feel like there is a pressure there to "have sex" and I can't relax with it.

I think I feel even more guilty because I do see some attractive men sometimes and think that I would like to have sex with them.... but when push comes to shove (if you pardon the pun!), I doubt I could be bothered!!!

Good luck - I would try talking to him and tell him exactly how you are feeling and why you are feeling this way and this may take the pressure off, depending on whether he is an understanding kind of guy.

[Jenie]

I can only tell you that from past experience that the sex part of a relationship takes work, especially after having children.

Personally I didn't want it for well over a year after my last baby, but I did have a very understanding partner who just let me get to grips with everything first, then continually told me how attractive he found me.... that's what helped the most.

Even now I know that my body is not the same as the one he originally dated (many years ago) and that it never will be (we just can't afford it), but we go out together and buy candels and oils and he sometimes comes home with undies and seduces me with dinner and nice kind words.

All it took for me was a bit of encouragement, I don't know what I would have done if he'd put pressure on me..... I may well have packed his bags for him!

So what I'm saying is why don't you tell him that you need to feel appreciated and that you need to be treated and seduced then he may just get you willingly to the bed room, or somewhere close. Because blackmailing you isn't going to do anything but cause resentment in the long term.

What ever you decide good luck.

[sosad]

Baba, i feel alot better to know it's not just me although i wouldn't wish feeling like this on my worst enemy. We have got to this point many times before and when it's come to the crunch neither want to split, i think because of the children. The last time it happened like this i tried to explain how i need the pressure off and need more time together (he was going out all the time) and he did change alot of the stuff he was doing to upset me. Things from my point of view were then fine but STILL i could not initiate or want sex with him, 2 or 3 months later and the shit has hit the fan again. Not sure if it's just the sex he's complaining about, could be more but imo i really can't see anything else i do wrong. I'm a sahm and my life seems to just revolve around the family, he doesn't agree tho, reckons i do plenty for myself!! er...hello, what planet are these men on?? Sorry i'm probably boring evderybody(it's what i do best) but i find it hard talking to a 7 and 4 yr old all day iyswim.

[Jenie]

I know what you mean about never having time to do things for you. Perhaps you should try to find a way of getting some support for yourself and your children. Find a parent who will take them to the park one day if you return the favour the next?

Then you can do something constructive with the time you have alone. I don't mean hoover or clean anything other than your pores, if that's what you want to do.

Just try to take some time out to appreciate being alone. It seems to be the age when most couples split, when the youngest is 4, at my dd pre-school there are more seperated parents this year than there was when they started, infact about 40% seperated over the year!

I think that if you can try to make it work then you should but that you shouldn't do anything that you don't feel like / want to do.

[milch]

Some strategies that have helped me in similar situation:

Frank discussion to take the pressure off, with an understanding that neither partner knows how long it will take for things to improve, or will set a cut-off point.

Regular, committed me-time, out of the house. I enroled for Adult Education classes with a creche to look after baby.

Seduction. Woo me, drive me potty. Get me tipsy even. Take your time.

Accept that not every overture leads to full-on sex.

HTH. Things aren't perfect for us, but we have hope for improvement.

[Chinchilla]

You're not boring by the way...maybe you are beginning to believe the names he calls you?

An evening class is an excellent idea, you will meet other people to talk to. I also agree that he needs to try to seduce you, not in the caveman style that men use, but in the 'flowers and a meal out way'.

[tinyfeet]

Sosad, I've got nothing to add - you've got good advice here. All I can say is that I can completely relate to what you are saying. The only slight difference is that I do want to have sex with DH, but never when he wants to (usually in the middle of the night when I'm not even awak). But that's for a different thread. I hope you work things out for your and your DSs especially.

[Baba]

I agree - try and do something for YOU.

Sosad - After learning more about your situation, I definetly think that getting time for you is the answer. My dp works full-time during the day and is a football referee six nights a week. I have two part-time jobs and by the time ds is in bed, I am usually asleep by 9pm so I only see dp in the morning for about an hour and on a Saturday night - which is when dp either goes out or (very occasionally) I go ou or we go out in a group - we never get time on our own.

I also have no family here as Mum lives in the North-East and dp family favour his sister and the twins and only occasionally babysit.

So I think they key for you (and me!) is to have time to yourself - an evening class is a great idea and even getting your other half to babysit one night a week is going to give you your self-worth back and make you feel like a whole person again as opposed to just a wife and mother.

Give it a go - i know I am - and then you might start to see yourself as a sexual being again....

Good luck.

[milch]

I did daytime clases (hence importance of the creche). I don't think evening clases would have been as good, because one of the things I needed was a break from gagagoogoo talk, and a genuinely entertaining reason to get out of the house.

On the other hand, a regular evening away from each other would probably be quite nice, as it would give him the chance of a quiet, private time as well.