7 year 'crush' starting to feel very unhealthy

[MarmiteMakesMeHappy]

Bit of background. Have been with DH for 18 years, married for 7 - we met when we were quite young (although luckily for me I went through a bit of a promiscuous stage in my late teens so don't feel I've missed out too much :))

Like most couples - we believe fidelity is one of the holy grails of marriage and neither of us has ever cheated although there was a slight hiccup very very early in our relationship which resulted in a brief break up. I don't think anything could ever persuade me to betray DH and feel quite strongly that he is the same.

However, about 3 months before our wedding (so 7 years ago) I went to stay with a friend for a few days. Her DH had a friend to stay as well. My friend was unwell and in bed for a lot of the time so me and the other guest were thrown together to spend time alone for a most of the days we were staying there. I was HUGELY attracted to him, there was a bit of flirting and we were teased by host couple about the obvious 'spark' between us. However, although there were a few dangerous moments, nothing actually happened. I went home, put it down to pre-wedding crush/nerves an tried to forget about it. I couldn't and started to think about him almost daily and this has never stopped or gone away.

After that he 'asked after me' and I 'asked after him' and we met each other socially a couple of times. For me, both those times were heart-stopping. For him, I think he had all but forgotten the 'spark' although we still got on very well and had a laugh.

Then 3 years ago, I ended up working with him. I thought it would be a good thing to exorcise my 'obsession' but it just made it worse. I got to the point where I could hardly speak around him and thought about 'what it would be like' constantly. I left the job.

Now he is madly in love with his new wife and we will probably be someone I come across once or twice a year socially. However, the problem is that no matter how much I try to push him from my brain, he is referred to by mutual friends often and even worse, he is quite 'famous' in his field, so I end up seeing pictures of him or reading about him in the press/internet. It is so much harder to switch off when you can google someone and see reams and reams of results / pics / videos etc

I realise I can't 'love him' although at times it has felt like that. The problem is that as well as the physical attraction for me, we are actually much better suited than my DH and me in terms of humour and interests (both in a similar field although I am nowhere near his league). I just want to stop thinking about him every day as it's not fair on my DH, my family or me. I feel that every day is another day that I have 'faked' and that I am never truly happy because I am always obsessing about what it would be like with 'him'.

Written down it seems to childish, but I now can't even have sex without imagining him so I am asking if anyone has ever had a similarly all absorbing crush and what you did to get past it.

Any suggestions truly gratefully received and sorry this is so long.

Do you have obsessive tendancies generally? Just wondering whether this has become an obsession in itself and is not really about this man anymore.

Crikey, from what you write, he sounds amazing. I think there may be two things going on here.

Firstly, are you sure you're not focusing on what's external about this guy. I remember being infatuated with someone at university who had all these externally great attributes (medical student, captain of the men's hockey team, in an orchestra, etc). We had a fling, but they weren't right for me.

Secondly, as a separate issue, it would seem you've spent your entire marriage either in love, or infatuated with someone else. If you're not happy in your marriage, ultimately, it would be sad to stay in it, and die unsatisfied. Crushes happen all the time, but seven years is a long time

No not obsessive generally - quite flighty and fickle in all other aspects :)

I do love DH but don't feel in love with him. But even if I was so inclined, being with the other man is not an option. He is in a happy relationship, so I really do need to get a grip!

Rital he is amazing. This is half the problem. On the surface he has it all - amazing career, fame, fortune, good looks, humour and underneath it all, he's even better - funny, sexy, witty, intelligent in unxpected ways... Oh god I sound like a mad person

I'm being flippant, but I'd love to know who is he (is he famous?)

I do feel sorry for Lisa Snowden, her ex was George Clooney, how do 99.99% of men even begin to match with him.

I'm not offering much practical advice here, I'm afraid.

Hmmm, tricky one then. I think you need to look at your feelings for the two men separately.

Your DH - you say you don't feel 'in love' with him. What does that mean to you? Does it mean that you don't feel the excitement that accompanies your feeling for the OM? If so, that's totally normal. I think we often confuse the concepts of being 'in love' with the honeymoon stage of a relationship. After 18 years with your DH you aren't likely to feel all fluffy about him anymore, instead he is your companion now, with whom you have shared domesticity for a long time. It is this type of love that requires some work to keep going. But it is also this type of love that should provide you with comfort and security.

The OM - you may have known him for 7 years but you have never been with him, and as such he still retains that exciting 'unknown' element. The fact that he now has a new wife probably only serves to make him more appealing to you. However, even if you got together with him, chances are that after a few years, the novelty factor would wear off, and you would be back to where you are now - content but not 'excited'.

I read somewhere once that when we fall for people, it's because there is something in them that we think is lacking in ourselves. Perhaps you admire him - the way you describe him as having an amazing career, and you as being 'nowhere near his league'. It sounds as though you have put him on a pedestal, and this is probably perpetuating your ongoing obession with him. If you brought him back down to your level, and saw him for what he is - just another guy who you once had a bit of a connection with, perhaps this would help you to move on from this.

Maybe you are no longer in the right relationship for you anyway - only you can decide that. But I think you need to try to consider that issue separately from the obsession with the OM, who for now is unobtainable, and who may not be the man you think he is anyway.

perhaps you should carpe diem and suck the marrow of life.

Do you think that in twenty years time you'll look back on your life and think
'well, thank goodness I never did anything about that'

or will you think
'gosh, life was short - I should have called him up'

life IS short, you could call him... get together, make wonderful love, have the time of your life, and after a while discover that he farts in bed and picks his nose - just like other men do..... and you'll get over him.

or perhaps he'll say 'no thanks' .... and you'll get over him.

but you'll have lived a little.

It sounds as if you've put this man on a pedestal.

However, he is like any other man.

If you were to be with him every day, in a relationship, you would soon notice his flaws and irritating habits. It wouldn't be long before you saw him in a grumpy mood about something or being a complete arse.

You need to put the thought, energy and emotion that you are currently putting into thinking about this man into your husband and marriage instead.

Never mind carpe diem - she is in an 18 year relationship, she is not an 18 year old!

Marmite, I know exactly how you feel. I, too, cannot get another man out of my head.I won t go into details but I just became infatuated with him and am now unable to get him out of my head. We did not have a relationship as I would never cheat on my dh (who I do love). I haven t seen this man for nearly 2 years now but still each day I have to battle with my mind to stop thinking of him. I have so many good things in my life - a great dh and ds, a job I love and lots of good friends so this hit me like a thunderbolt. I haven t really got an answer but just wanted to post to say you re not alone.

thank you all so much for listening and advising. Tuffie - I feel slightly less mad now :) and anothermum, there may be something to your theory.

I know the logic of it, and would say the same that you are all saying to a friend in my position. I realise that any relationship would start to lose it's spark after a while and the 'unknown and unattainable' are always going to feel exciting and attractive. I get it, but I just can't reconcile the logical part of my brain with the bit that seems to think about him all the time and can sometimes leave me feeling empty and full of despair.

It's silly really. Not even a 'real' problem in the grand scheme of things. But thank you all anyway

I've been with P for 5 years now but for 6 years I've been thinking of another man [absolutely lovely amazing charming stellar career exceptionally nice to me flirtatious blabla but never ever responded to his advances] so, anyway, I totally get what you mean.
The way I stop myself blurting out something absurd in front of him and making it obvious I have feelings for him (I see him every few months in a lunch break from work or similar) is by thinking, well, after a month or so if it were ever to become a relationship I would probably stop loving him and we would argue and he would be irritating and it just wouldn't work in reality.
Also if this guy has a wife then that would extinguish any real life potential, though it probably wouldn't extinguish your crush, I do understand that. Don't feel silly, it happens

do you google him often?

He might not be as nice as you think, you know. Not everyone is that great!! especially if he is in the job of switching his personality on and off. You might have just been with him when he's been "on" hes probably a nightmare to live with!!

Marmite and vinvinoveritas - it is quite comforting to know that we are not alone in having these irrational feelings. As you say, no matter how hard I try, I cannot get the logical part of my brain to undo these feelings. And of course there is the guilt to deal with too, as my dh is totally unaware of it all - I would never hurt him by telling him, but hate having a "secret" in our otherwise very honest marriage. Who knows why we fall for someone we barely know - I can only assume that its some sort of chemistry that zaps our subconscious and overrides all reason. If anyone out there has been through this and managed to move on I would love to hear from them.

Its normal to build someone up into something they arent when you cant be with them and hardly see them. Its just fantasy thats all.

And, try not to google. Whatever he is, Im guessing actor.

Hi marmite tuffie et al

I fell catastrophically for someone nearly three years ago and had a brief affair with him despite us both being married. We came to our senses eventually and ended it and have no contact now at all.
I started counselling to look at why I was susceptible. 2 years on I have left my DH after 28 years to live on my own.
Still think about that man every day, try to get him out of my head but something chemical altered and I am resigned to having these pointless feelings now. I just hope eventually they wear off.
I never could get it back with my DH it had gone. I think when my marriage was in trouble I used thoughts of my crush to escape from the painful feelings.

Sorry - that wasn't a positive note to end on! Just dont act on your feelings if you are not free, it causes too much hurt and pain.

I dont think the guy ever did, did he?

Marmite, I've been crazy about another man for 7 years too. He is also married, we both married young. I even told him about my feelings for this other man, dh said he already knew

I know the OM has feelings for me but I also know nothing will ever happen because he is a childhood friend of dh's and he would never betray him. Luckily we don't see him that often (maybe once or twice a year) but when we do my heart leaps out of my chest.

I have had a rollercoaster of emotions over the past 7 years. The first couple of years were so exciting, I dreamt and thought of him constantly and counted the days until I saw him again. Dispair eventually set in when I had to accept we would never be together. My heart broke.

I still love him, but not as much to drive me insane anymore iykwim. I still think about him every day and I look forward to bedtime when I can go to sleep dreaming about him.

I know it must sound odd but I've never stopped loving my DH - the mad, passionate love has faded but I still love him. The capacity to love two people at the same is true for me. I've been with dh for 25 years now (since I was 17), he was my first and only boyfriend. I only wish I could have met the OM before DH and got him out of my system! I have no regrets marrying DH, he is a wonderful husband and my best friend.

The only words of wisdom I have for you is to give it time. The strong feelings you have will lesson. I hope you get to the stage when you can think of him without it being painful, because I know how all-consuming an attraction like this can be.

Interesting to read this issue compared with another similar (but from a different angle) issue from a few weeks ago.

Both about long term love fixations.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1047833-Male-friend-told-me-he-s-in-love-with/AllOnOnePage

I know it is possible to love a partner/husband and have real feeling for another man. This doesn't mean your love for DH isn't real and that you should let the feeling for someone else jeopardise it.

However, it also doesn't mean that just because you're married to DH you're stuck to him forever. Take the other person out of the equation; can you be with DH forever and be faithful?