HELP my body has been taken over by an Very Angry Feminist

[Chandon]

Not sure where to post this.

I have no idea what is going on or where it is coming from, but I feel so ANGRY.

I want to shout and throw things, I feel I have been emotionally sucked dry by the men in my life (H and 2 sons) who are so NEEDY in their own non relenting way. DH job is crap and he has been unhappy for a while, making little remarks about my cosy SAHM life... My oldest DC has all kinds of trouble at school, my youngest is just needy and has waves of extreme separation anxiety.

I seem to have reached a stage where I feel F·CKING ANGRY and tired and FED UP.

I am tired of making everything ok for everyone, for keeping the home harmonious.

I suddenly have realised that I am a Big Fat Fool with my effing cupcakes, being so helpful in the PTA,stupid committees etc. and looking after my family and NOBODY ever asks how I am.

Or if I actually LIKE being at home, instead of working. I was "happy" to take on this role, as it is best for the family. Shame it is not the best for ME, after all. I could cry thinking I have a brilliant degree and here I am, a f·ckwit queen of cupcakes.

Sorry about all the shouting, I have been feeling so angry all week, and am on verge of stupid tears...

Has anyone else ever reached the stage of suddenly having had enough? And what did you do????

This feeling is exactly what Betty Friedan was writing about nearly 6o years ago in the Feminine Mystique, it helped ignite a whole new wave of feminism in the Western world among women who were the first to go into higher education (in the US) in any sort or large number but were expected to stay at home the minute they married.

Its fine to want a bit more for yourself.

Have just read the whole thread thinking "this woman needs to read The Feminine Mystique" and there it is getting a mention right at the end :)

Does this sound familiar?

"Each suburban wife struggled with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at nightshe was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question"Is this all?""

If you had a job before, how about suggesting that you go back to work, and your husband goes part time?

chandon - if it helps, i've just (yesterday) reached the end of my tether as well. and i'm pretty much always an angry feminist

i have just sent an e-mail to college asking (nay practically begging) if there is any way my temporary withdrawal can be extended (whilst i sort my life out - the unspoken bit.)

i have also started to prune. tonight i am sending an e-mail asking for a volunteer to take over running the book club (i know, i know), and tomorrow i'm speaking to the chair and vice chair of the schoo, council to ask them to find another secretaire extraordinaire. i can't give up the cubs/ guides thing (but i am training up replacements ) and i can't get out of chauffeuring the dcs. (one of which has cp, one is adhd/asd borderline/odd/incontinent and one is the easiest child in the whole world and mops up after the other two)

but i am reclaiming me. wanna try?

oh, and as from nov 12th i back to p/t at work instead of the ridiculous mind-numbing tear-inducing boredom of f/t in the dead-end brainless thankless job i'm currently doing because it is the only one for miles around (literally - if you knew where i lived you'd understand)

even if college says no, i've failed, so be it. i'll re-apply to the next place for next year. life will not beat me!

baking.

Trefusis, and just13moreyears, I also go into the school to help, whenever there is an arts project (as I used to paint a lot in s previous life), or to help with sports days etc. I have seen my name "in print" on school and PTA lists, ie not in pen, but I am in the system. help! Makes it harder to say no.

ChazsBrilliantwhatsemathingie, I step in too much. I found that this week, apart from PTAing, sportsdaying etc. I also am babysitting friends baby for a half day, another friends son after school. You see, they work and know I am here. To be truthful, one friend has told me I really must let her babysit my DC in return. I will.

I read quite a lot, and will throw Friedman into my Amazon basket too.

I feel a rush of energy, I want to go and do things. Am looking at courses and jobs but things are complicated by me living out in the sticks.

Franup and evilants, isnt it sad though that I (we) ended up in a sort of time warp?! ..60 years ago! That is my grannys generation !!!

Lots of good advice on here.

Anyone else find that they are Lucky enough to have a Dh who earns so much they can't get tax credits if they go to work, so it's not worth doing financially because of the cost of childcare? Thus work has become "something I do for ME," a sort of hobby or indulgence rather than something you do to contribute financially to the household.

DH's job has evening meetings which crop up out of nowhere and I frequently find I can't do the one volunteer job I do because he's not home in time, due to overrunning meetings or sudden new ones cropping up. Working evenings in a supermarket or care home - which I have considered - are out of the question as the risk of him suddenly saying "oh I've got a meeting tonight night, sorry" and leaving me to pick up the pieces are so high.

But I can't really complain, can I? Because he earns enough so that I don't have to go to work. Except that I want to.

I feel like the archetypal "kept woman."

Sorry for the me-me-me hijack.

Now I must go and try to mend DD's goggles as I have FAILED in my promise to buy her some new ones this week and it is swimming tonight. BAD slave mother!

Balloon slayer, that`s the same for me.

I KNOW I am lucky to be able to live on just one salary, and that is why if I`m honest I feel a bit ashamed of not being that happy with the set-up.

I have lived in really poor countries for almost 10 years, prior to coming to the UK, and I keep on thinking that any of the people there would be delighted to take my life.

My life isn`t bad, I know I am lucky, but I think that being a SAHM is not for everyone, and have you noticed how boredom can lead, bizarly, to stress?!

I do feel deeply embarassed about being able to afford not to work, and then not to feel sufficiently grateful but moaning instead !

What it boils down to:

• I miss my financial independence, we have a joined account, and DH never asks how I spend what I spend, but it still feels more like "his" money than mine.
• I miss doing a job that is appreciated by someone else, feeling that you`ve made a difference

-the sense of achievement after doing a difficult project or task

• Also, I feel that I am not exactly doing a brilliant job as a SAHM, my children can be difficult and DC1`s teacher says I need to work on his manners, ie, I failed there.

This thread should be Mumsnet's flagship thread

Reading with fascination - this is the reason why I never wanted to be a wife'n'mother, but I had been persuaded things aren't like this any more. It's almost tragic that they are: what's happened in the past 40 years??

For any other readers - the posters on this thread all seem very strong but, if you have difficulty saying No - here's my favourite assertiveness primer. Good luck!

Batteryhuman - volunteering at the CAB, excellent I might do that myself! (sorry for butting in Chandon)

Interestingly enough, it was through training and working at the CAB that my mum got back into work.

Chandon, have you made a start with changing things? Have you looked for local courses yet, or volunteering opportunities, or maybe some kind of job? Have you sat down with DH and talked about some of this? Not meaning to push, just wondering how you are and hoping things get better for you soon.

Nothing to add to all the advice, but just to say I feel the same AND I am working in a demanding professional job for which I trained long and hard 30hours/week which is probably a bit more than I would like to work outside the house - what with 4 boys and all. I am the famous swan: what's visible is serene and frantic pedalling going on under the surface at all times. And all the time thinking 'Is that all?'. There is no time (or when there it time, no mental/nervous energy) for me; I don't think I actually remember who I am .

Pruning sounds like a lovely idea

Good luck, chandon, I hope you find the holy grail of work/life balance. Oh, and I so feel your pain about the needy men in your life...

How old are your boys, OP? Might it be time for them to start doing more stuff to help out? IME children only reall start to appreciate what is being done for them when they have had a taste of doing it for themselves.

What about you going back to work - not possible?

Have been pondering this some more and have come to a surprising conclusion (for a fully-paid-up Angry Feminist): don't diss the cupcakes. They are folk art.

this whole cupcake thing is very interesting because it is emblematic of the contradictions in the ways women are viewed & treated (which does my head in and sounds like it is doing in yours too OP).
On the one hand we are meant to be wonderful domestic goddesses and on the other the wonderful domestic goddessery is viewed as self-indulgent and trivial.

The bottom line is, this stuff that women do, is valuable and lovely and helps make life nice for everyone. I bet you have brought a lot of people a lot of pleasure with your cupcakes. I bet they are skilled and creative and I couldn't do them as well as you. I bet you have baked a lot of love into some of them.
I am making a patchwork quilt. It will be one of the best things I ever do - it will leave my dd with an exquisite reminder of how much her mother loves her and will be full of memories. Every time I cook a nice meal I am building family, health, love.
But cupcakes are also NOT PAID and NOT VALUED and can be VERY BORING TO DO.
Do throw the cupcakes against the wall with a satisfying squelch and do stop making them and go and do something more interesting instead. BUT the fact that you have done them does not make you a fuckwit. Be proud of your butter-icing and your family-building and the lovely cupcakey world you have made. And one day when you are a grandmother and have had your second career, make a batch for your grandchildren, or better still, teach your grandaughters and grandsons how to do it.

Sorry to be pathetic but that's made me cry a little bit SSM. Lovely post (and I'd love to see that quilt!).

It's true - many of the fondest memories I have of my childhood involve being in the kitchen doing the baking with my auntie or mum, or just hanging out with my parents while they cooked. Cooking and baking makes home feel safe and warm and cosy, it is not unimportant.

But it should never be at the cost of someone sacrificing themself on some kind of cakestand-altar.

at cakestand altar!

That`s the thing, evilants and sethstaradder, I like baking and cooking because it makes my house feel like a HOME. But I always go through phases of absolutely resenting it, and feeling cross about it.

Also, I get satisfaction from seeing my children eat good food. I am not about calories or even healthy eating, but I like the idea of nourishing, satisfying meals.

I am part Nigella, part Betty-Germaine. Sometimes they do not get on.

As to what I have done so far.

• Had a chat with DH, he completely got it and says he`s been a bit self centred recently.
• Have booked a girls weekend away with old friends, from before I had babies, who know me as a "person" and am looking forward to some good chats and banter
• am looking at courses and work, have started on CV. Taking small steps though...still tentative.

That's brilliant - you will really be able to look forward to the weekend away!

Work stuff too, don't be scared, you sound clever and competent and organised!

One other note about cooking. It struck me a while ago what a marvellous job "the patriarchy" (for want of a better word) has done on us all. The tasks known as "women's work" and therefore belittled, could be rebranded "essential work":

We all need to eat cooked food.
We all need to wear clothes that need to be made or shopped for and washed.
We all need to keep our homes tolerably clean and tidy or we get ill.
We all need to be cared for as tiny babies, when we get ill and if we live to be very old.
We all need to be taught right from wrong, practical skills and how to interact with others.

These things are not trivial or ephemeral - they are the core of human life and civilisation.

Don't let anyone tell you or imply that they are silly. Men should want in on this stuff really, to prove their usefulness :)

Oh, Chandon, what brilliant positive steps and .

I, too, loved SSM's post; so true.

Good post EvilAnts, and I did want to come back to say the work you have done at home and for your family are vital and important and you will see the benefits of it in the years to come.

Just we don't get much thanks for it in this culture, and to be frank, some of it is just drudgery and that can be soul destroying.

it`s quite an eye opener really that for me being away a few days I need to enlist help of 4 people!

2 friends (picking kids up after school Friday until DH comes home), my DH (who has business travel Sunday) AND MIL. I`m not so easily replaced I guess.

Evilants, do you think women are as much to blame for belittling their contribution in this respect as men/society? hmmmmmm

Time I had a look at the Feminism threads.

Chandon - I absolutely recognise what you say about being called on for free babysitting because you're already at home. I did absolutely loads of that too in the bad old days. Again, it was a house and school move that allowed me to reinvent myself and stop being a dogsbody. I started to work freelance as a translator (I did languages at university). That opened my eyes to the fact that I still have talents beyond home and kids. I got a cleaner and some help with afterschool childcare i.e. a girl who came to my home and occupied the five year old and kept an eye on the older two whilst I did other things. After a couple of years I decided I wasn't enjoying that work and have shifted again. I'm now doing a counselling course and training as a volunteer for Childline, which totally feels like what I want to be doing. I still really struggle with managing the household and keeping on top of the mess. I'll always be the primary carer due to the nature of DHs job but I do feel that I've reclaimed myself a bit!

And well done for the positive steps you've started to make! Sometimes it feels like too much trouble to 'replace' ourselves if we don't already have good childcare in place. I think that's a trap SAHMs fall into. WOHMS tend to have to have their childcare sorted, so when they need or want to do anything else non child-related they already have people to call on.

"I send in some Morrison's value peach slices and some chestnuts I found on the way to school."

you were probably joking but...

are these edible sweet chestnuts? In the UK I've only ever seen conkers, which are poisonous unless expertly prepared.

A lady near me runs a very profitable rural catering company,fresh and frozen home cooked meals casseroles ,soups ,cakes etc great for picking up when you dont have time to cook later or for people having dinner parties and cant cook.Just a thought but after the intial pricing viability etc might be fun to run your own small business ,set yourself hours to work at home and only take on what suits you.She developed her business as her kids grew older ie outside catering ,weddings etc she also does home deliveries .