HELP my body has been taken over by an Very Angry Feminist

[Chandon]

Not sure where to post this.

I have no idea what is going on or where it is coming from, but I feel so ANGRY.

I want to shout and throw things, I feel I have been emotionally sucked dry by the men in my life (H and 2 sons) who are so NEEDY in their own non relenting way. DH job is crap and he has been unhappy for a while, making little remarks about my cosy SAHM life... My oldest DC has all kinds of trouble at school, my youngest is just needy and has waves of extreme separation anxiety.

I seem to have reached a stage where I feel F·CKING ANGRY and tired and FED UP.

I am tired of making everything ok for everyone, for keeping the home harmonious.

I suddenly have realised that I am a Big Fat Fool with my effing cupcakes, being so helpful in the PTA,stupid committees etc. and looking after my family and NOBODY ever asks how I am.

Or if I actually LIKE being at home, instead of working. I was "happy" to take on this role, as it is best for the family. Shame it is not the best for ME, after all. I could cry thinking I have a brilliant degree and here I am, a f·ckwit queen of cupcakes.

Sorry about all the shouting, I have been feeling so angry all week, and am on verge of stupid tears...

Has anyone else ever reached the stage of suddenly having had enough? And what did you do????

Look, whilst there is obviously a lot of good advice on here, don't forget you are angry for a reason and there is a reason it is an angry feminist who has taken over your body.

Keep at least a bit of your anger and use it politically to help bring about change. I won't go off on a big rant here because I am sticking feminist rants all over the board and it is probably boring people, but look at what the reasons are why you are stuck in this role of cupcake baker despite your brilliant degree and why you feel shit about it, and think about what we can do to change things so things will make a bit more sense for the next generation.

I know the feminism board on here isn't everyone's cup of tea, but there are feminist outlets all over the web and stacks of campaigns going on. Helping out with other people's campaigns or organisations is good, but once you actually take ownership of something it is an amazing feeling.

I know how you feel Chandon, i get made to feel that because i don't have paid employment then i must be the person to do all the monotonous, tiresome jobs that everyone asks me to do, you have to practise saying no and making some you time.
I found it really hard when someone asked me to do something in the day to say

'actually im going to the Gym or im going shopping or simply im tired i was going to have a rest today'

I felt guilty and always made rubbish excuses, it took a while for me to decide that there is no shame in having time off for yourself.

ME TOO!!!

Sometimes I think it's one of those things where we have so much of our lives mapped out: career, tick; relationship of equals, tick; nice home but not a slave to housework, tick.

And then you have children and there is no map, so you both end up reverting to an earlier (read less feminist) model, which is to be perfectly frank, pretty shitty for the mother. And of course you end up exhausted and it takes a while to say, hang on a minute, this isn't how I want to live my life.

And once you get to that point, yes, it can make you angry. But the important thing is that then you can make changes. And hopefully, you aren't married to a caveman and if you talk about it sensibly together you can apply some of the principle of your life pre-DC to your life now, e.g. equal division of household jobs, independent out-of-the home interests, while still enjoying your family.

Personally I love reading things on the feminism board, I have re-evaluated much around me, it has rekindled a thinking side to me that has lain dormant the last few years. In a way, it has been one of the bits of me-time I have developed, talking to DH about the ideas here has given me back some of my adult-status (not to suggest he has ever treated me as anything less: it's more about how I see myself, as an individual and not just a role).

I'd like to be able to pass on a new model to my DC which is fairer somehow. I know my mum tried to with me - she did a MA while being a SAHM, she was respected in her field when she became a WOHM - but maybe this is where your post comes in sethstark, maybe it's about us as women really thinking it through and changing things for us and for the future, for our DDs and DSs.

When I reached this stage a few years ago my DH suggested that I volunteer at the CAB. It fitted in with school hours and i did one day a week there for years. The training was really good, the people I worked with were lovely and so were the clients (most of the time) and for one day a week i was not someone's mother or wife and could in fact be whoever I wanted to be. It doesn't come with any money but I could work the hours I was willing to give and take the school holidays off. And when a few years later I needed to return to work it gave me something really good to put on my CV and enough confidence to go and get a job. I cannnot recommend it highly enough.

Actually, your thread title Chandon makes me think of The Edible Woman by Margaret Atwood, have you read it? It was written just before the feminist movement and describes a woman bound tighter and tighter by convention and men's society's expectations until, in your words, her body is taken over by a very angry feminist!

I read it in my late teens/early twenties and was very moved by it - I think I recognised the truth of the struggle, even then.

< Admires Feminists but feels inadequate now the Feminist angle has started to be addressed >

I've wept at times over the years, not at the lack of appreciation (I think I am appreciated by my family, and tbh I've never really given of myself to organisations like the PTA, apart from the odd cake sale or helping at Christmas fetes on a rota), but more at the isolation, frustration at not feeling like a 'contributor,' and despair that I've probably rendered myself unemployable.

What I've done now is sign up for loads of classes (four this term,) plus started training for the CAB - don't know if any of it will lead to anything concrete, but it's a good feeling to be leaving the house swinging the car keys and not to be going to school or the supermarket.

I'm lucky to have the time to be able to do this, I know, but I also have a strong feeling that I could look back in one/three/five years' time and things would be no different if I don't act now. Am also toying with the idea of an MA or trying to get freelance work when I've built my skills and confidence.

Use the energy from your anger or the old cliche that it turns into depression may apply.

Batteryhuman - great minds!

schroeder, that`s an idea

WhatsWrong - I hope you get as much out of the CAB as I did. It is the best

Thanks - I just wish my preferred study method (process of osmosis) would start working!

Just your time to change ur path OP ,the rage is ur signal,reflect on your situation,then JUST DO IT !when mum is happy DH and dcs are happy so get a plan together and move forwards in your new direction,put yourself first [thats not being selfish ]allow yourself some indulgence ,only you can change ur direction so have some fun and enjoy ur journey !!

Wow, Chandon you sound right up my street, I feel exactly the same!! I'm not a lesbian (well not yet anyway), but really feel on your wavelength. Could it be something to do with the fact that I also have a degree, I also have two sons and a husband who is mostly unhappy. I am the cook, the shopper, the cleaner, the taxi driver, the part-time worker, the nurse, the comedienne, the admin do-er, the dog feeder and walker, the gee everyone else upper - the person who knows and is required to know where everything is and what everyone else is doing at any given moment, to name but a few....and do you know when I'm happiest? When everyone f**cks off out and leaves me alone with a cup of tea and "loose women" on the tele. I have moments like you when I am happy to please, and then weeks when I just want to tell everyone to F Off or when I feel like getting into the car and just driving......luckily, this week I am being mostly happy.

When I reached this stage a few years ago my DH suggested that I volunteer at the CAB. It fitted in with school hours and i did one day a week there for years. The training was really good, the people I worked with were lovely and so were the clients (most of the time) and for one day a week i was not someone's mother or wife and could in fact be whoever I wanted to be. It doesn't come with any money but I could work the hours I was willing to give and take the school holidays off. And when a few years later I needed to return to work it gave me something really good to put on my CV and enough confidence to go and get a job. I cannnot recommend it highly enough.

What a great idea! Well done!!

I am quite touched by some of the reactions, it`s nice to know people understand.

The feminst bit. Well, I have always thought of myself as a feminist. I always thought I could be a SAHM AND a feminist, as long as being a SAHM was my own choice. I have always believed women can do anything men can do. And also that men can be just as caring as women.

I begin to realise that it may have been my choice, but no longer is,a nd I want to change it. I almost feel trapped in a small small world, hence the anger?

I have looked around on the feminism board and am really interested in Wifework by Maushart, but also a bit scared to read it, if that makes sense.

My DH and boys are lovely, they do not make me live like this, if I need to change something, I have to do it myself.

I guess sometimes I quite fancy being "mothered" a bit myself, by someone saying "there there, you are only doing your best". I would quite like to get a bit of what I give, and what is accepted so carelessly it seems.

My DH thinks I am strong, just don`t feel it right now.

PS, the "Angry feminist" in the title is the one that made me shout at myself today "How the f·ck did I end up in a 1950s houswife life?! How did this happen???!!!"

Oh, just throw the cupcakes across the room and see how hard you have to throw them in order to make them stick on the wall.

More seriously, make this batch of cupcakes, and rejoice in the knowledge that that was the last cupcakes you're going to make.

Then tell your DH that you understand that he doesn't like his career, and that you don't like staying at home. He feels jealous of you staying at home, and you feel jealous of him going out to work.

Then go and take up a new project, and whatever it is, you must do it seriously, and make it clear to the rest of your family that this is serious and important to you, and that you do not accept trivial interruptions or delays when working on it. (My friend's DH - you know who you are.)

Footlong, I already have a job! the stuff I'm talking about is what I do in the evenings and weekends - you see, if I'm not at home doing it during the week, it all gets done when we're all in the house at the same time i.e. evenings and weekends!

This really has nothing to do with the cup cakes, I baked a cake today and enjoyed eating it - it didn't take long and I haven't thought about it since, what I do think about, however is, since I cooked that cake, did tea, took the kids out, fed the dog....I then found myself disappointed at the point that 1) I got no "thanks" 2) Hubby was once again sat in front of the telly with the remote at the ready for endless fucking flicking around 3) kids are still awake, cos I've spent too much time on here and no-one else has bothered to do bedtime! It's more about the fact that when I stop, so does everything else round here - however, if I moan; then it immediately ensues in an argument and I feel like a nagging wife.....an endless cycle which I block out by spending too much time on the Internet and drinking too much red wine

I spent years being the school dogsbody, the easygoing person everyone called on for fetes, fundraising, trips etc etc. Then my children changed school and I decided I was no longer going to volunteer for anything. I was simply not going to be on anyone's radar as the person to ask for favours. It made me realise that organisations such as schools/PTAs are not particularly choosy about who they ask - if someone seems willing and approachable they'll have them. They'll suck them dry until the person's children leave the school or until they manage to extricate themselves from their 'can't say no' straitjacket.

Do the minimum amount of caring and drudgework that you can get away with without drawing the attention of social services and make EVERYTHING else in your life a quest to rediscover yourself, what makes you tick, what motivates you, inspires you, makes you happy. It will help you find the balance you need.

Chandon go to Marks buy some cupcakes, deliver said cupcakes to PTA say sorry "I didn't have time to do some baking". Then go to a cafe and have a sit down with a large latte

Then try this challenge
Every time someone asks you to do something or you find yourself anticipating peoples needs, doing things for other people etc before you automatically say yes or start doing something ask yourself

1. Why am I considering agreeing to this / doing this?

1. Do I want to do it?

1. Do I have to do it?

1. Is it really something that someone else could / should be doing instead?

It can be quite illuminating to recognise how often you step into the breach for the good of others whilst completely ignoring your own needs.

Stay angry and use it for your benefit.

good advice from Just13moreyearstogo, thank you